Monday, August 10, 2015


I've blogged about therapy twice in recent weeks. One a long post with lots of details and the other a shorter piece with lots of talk about feelings and things of a deeply personal nature.

Yet I didn't post either of them. They're both saved as drafts but I'm not sure I'll ever post either of them. If I don't hit publish, then I essentially just wrote something as if it were in a pen and paper journal. No one will see it but it's still there and as long as it's sits in draft mode, I can go back and read it whenever I want. I think sometimes, I just need to write things out for myself. And there's something comforting knowing I can go back and read over my thoughts again knowing that they're out of my head but still my own privately.

The thing I've always loved most about writing is that I never police myself here. In this space, it's easy for me to say the things that I might struggle to get passed my lips. I know if I hit publish, some people are going to read it. Even some people I know in my real life are going to read it. It doesn't bother me, though. I'm not sitting in front of them as they're reading it. I'm not engaged in a dialog via text message telling someone these things, waiting for a reply. I'm relaying my thoughts and feelings to people but it's not a direct form of communication so I don't get that same vulnerable feeling that I hate. It's not judgment I fear from others because that I can deal with. Making myself feel vulnerable in front of another person, I struggle with that and like to try to avoid it as much as humanly possible. Which is something I'm working on being better about but I'm not there yet.

Writing things out here doesn't erase all the vulnerability, though. At times, when I'm writing about things that are deeply personal, I still feel a little vulnerable because I think it's near impossible to not feel some slight sense of vulnerability when you're writing about something deeply personal. When it's something that's hard for you, something that's hurt you or caused you grief, it's hard to write about those experiences without feeling raw about it. 

When I write specifically about my mental health or my friend's suicide or my grandfather's death (as a few examples), sometimes I want to erase things I've put down because they feel too personal. I rarely actually do that, though. As much as I hate feeling vulnerable, sometimes it feels really liberating to let go of whatever is making me feel that way. Even if I just letting go through words on a screen. 

1 comment:

Autumn said...

you know? I had a very similar experience the past couple of years honestly. There was so much life stuff happening and a lot of it was an extreme challenge. I sat down to post quite a few times and just couldn't find the words and didn't want to share so much out there. I do agree though, that it can be easier here than face to face with our every day friends. It's so difficult to feel so vulnerable, isn't it?

I would start to type and realize I just didn't have anything positive to share and I didn't know what to do with that. I thank you for sharing this post. I hope that you're getting the feelings out, even if it IS just to yourself. Sometimes just writing things down can make a difference.

I've always thought so much of you as a person. So self aware at a younger impressive. I do hope that you're feeling good, positive and as happy as you can feel with life stuff filtering through. You're not alone. You have people who love and support you both here and in "real life". Take good care, my friend.

loves autumn