Thursday, November 15, 2012

Mind fucks aren't fun at all..

Before I get to the actual part of this post where I say random stuff that you weirdos enjoy reading for some reason, let me be annoying and mention two things for the 123rd time so far this month.

First things first, if you haven't seen the Toys for Tots Fundraiser I'm doing (somehow, maybe you don't follow me on Twitter and haven't been here before ;]) then check that out here. It's a great cause and a donation of just a few dollars goes a long way. ;)

Second, there's a contest going on around here for a $25 gift card to Target. You don't have to make the $5 minimum donation for an entry into the contest because there are other ways to get entries that don't cost you more than some of your online time but a donation will get you can extra entry for the gift card. For the rules for the super easy contest, check it here.

Now on to my ramblings.

I organized a food drive late last week and had a couple of my friends help me out with it. I asked around and they volunteered so yay for having helpful friends. We managed to gather up 93 pounds of food from co-workers, neighbors, other friends, etc for the North Texas Food Bank which I delivered yesterday. I know if you have a lot of canned goods, that's not a lot. Out of curiosity, I asked, and only 29 lbs of that was made up from canned goods. See, I bother my real life friends with charity stuff too. ;) While I was delivering our haul, I ran into a friend I haven't seen in around 9 years. We used to work together when we were teenagers and I'm surprised she recognized me. I was heading back to my car when I heard someone from the sidewalk call my name out. We talked for about 5 minutes before she leaned in and asked me if I still got high then without waiting for an answer asked me if I wanted to go hang out back at her apartment because she had some "good stuff" as well as some good pot back there. I declined because I stopped doing the kind of drugs she was talking about almost 8 years ago. I did have a minor lapse with weed a few years ago but it's been 3 years and 2 months since I've done that. I work really hard to not fall back into old habits because I'm unable to use substances "once in a while." If I start, it's an every day or almost every day thing and I won't let myself be like I was ever again because I wasn't a functional, happy person then. I politely declined my former friends invite and for some reason, she got mad. She asked if I could give her a ride and I asked if she had any drugs on her. "Just a little heroin, no big deal" was her reply to that. I declined giving her a ride but offered to give her money for the bus that was pulling off. She took that and handed me a card with her cell phone information on it. Then informed me she also worked as a dealer so if I changed my mind... Sigh.

That whole interaction actually really fucked with my head. I started thinking too much about the person I used to be. The people I hung out with, the people I ignored but shouldn't have, the relationships I ruined, the multiple ways I just utterly fucked my life up... and instead of focusing on the fact that I'm not that person anymore, that I learned from those mistakes and that I made my life better; I let them swallow me and I felt suffocated by things and emotions that don't have a place in my life anymore. It's not like our passed is ever just gone but I don't live in the passed. Things happen, they shaped the things I did and got me to where I am and there's no sense dwelling on choices made that can't be changed or undone. I've never done that so the feelings I was having yesterday were almost foreign to me because I don't worry about things that are long since done. I didn't really know how to get out of the mood I was in. I wanted to talk to my friend Rob who has known me for over 10 years and knew me back when I was a much bigger mess than I am now but I knew he's been sick and didn't want to bother him. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend whom I met while I was in the process of trying to put my life and self in some kind of order but he works from 7 pm till 4 or 5 am and I can only reach him on breaks anyway. So instead, I didn't talk to anyone and decided I'd write about it. Which didn't help because I couldn't make the words in my head come out right on paper. I went to the gym and decided I'd work out because physical activity helps me when I'm stressed out or feeling bad. Sometimes it does anyway. I'm usually able to clear my head and focus more while working out and last night's session helped a lot. Now writing it out like this is helping because I finally got the words out that I wanted out and got back to realizing who I am and where I'm at in life which is far from where I used to be. And that's a good thing because that girl was an extremely unhappy, angry, self-destructive mess.

As an aside, there was a guy at the gym on the row of treadmills in front of me. While running he was playing something on his cell phone. He some how got so involved in whatever was on his phone that he lost his footing, tripped, smacked his face on the grip bar you ca hold on to, then fell down off the treadmill. He wasn't hurt. He actually laid there looking stunned and then started laughing. The girl next to me asked if I thought he legit was being a dumb ass or if I thought it was some kind of hidden camera show stunt going on. I said I honestly believed the guy was just being a moron and had an accident occur due to his stupidity. She disagreed and thought hidden camera show was more like it. She didn't want to be on "no damn reality hidden camera TV show" because she "don't look no damn good on TV" which she knew because she was on the news once after some kind of storm had happened and she looked "a fool" apparently. So she said she was going to go check for hidden cameras or a TV crew before she could finish her workout. I thought she was joking but she wasn't. She went around the gym checking for hidden cameras and asking the two employees there at that hour about if they knew anything about hidden camera shows. She even asked the treadmill guy if he was aware of anything. She eventually got satisfied that nothing fishy was going on but then left anyway just in case everyone was in on it. That weird incident also put me in a better mood because the entire thing amused the hell out of me.

That's enough out of me. Thanks for still reading and thanks for the emails many of you send always checking up on me when I'm not around much. I appreciate it. :)

Also thanks for those of you that have donated to the Toys for Tots fundraiser and thanks to those who have helped me promote the fundraiser. Even if it is just because you're trying to win that gift card, I still appreciate the effort and help behind it so much. :) <3 nbsp="nbsp">

Happy Thursday!


Dee said...

Now you know Ive read you for a long time. Back from your old url before you started using your real first name back when you were doing drugs and up to bad things and angry about the world to when you met your boyfriend to when you decided you were gonna do well and be happy and everything in between all the way to right now. And I can tell youre not the same person you were back in the bad times you are talking about here. Whats important is you learned from your mistakes and youre not repeating them and you know you actively have to do better for you and youre HONEST WITH YOURSELF about what you need to do to stay on track and that puts you so ahead of the game and is why youre gonna stay straight and keep on doing well for yourself in life Miss Ashly. Keep on with that attitude you got and youre gonna be just fine!

Sabrina (The Not So Teenage Witch) said...

I agree with Dee. I've read your blog since back when I used to even have a blog and I'm familiar with all of the stuff she mentioned too. She is also right that it's in your favor that you're honest with yourself about what you need. Denial or just lying to yourself? Those things are what so many people cannot overcome to improve aspects of their life. Sometimes being honest with yourself about yourself is one of the hardest things you can do. You also have to be careful not to be too hard, it's a slim line. You do fine girl, keep being true to yourself and honest and everything will be fine.

That guy at the gym, he reminds me of a similar story I witnessed. The man was on a treadmill as well at my gym and he was playing angry birds. He finally beat his highscore and celebrated my fist pumping and jumping up. Yes he literally jumped up while on the treadmill! I think he was so wrapped in his game he forgot what he was doing. The treadmill stopped when he jumped because it dislodged the safety key but however he came down hard on the treadmill and twisted his ankle. Seen him since and he don't game anymore while he works out. Sometime you have to learn the hard way I guess!!