Monday, May 30, 2011
Employee: "Did you know that comedian Daniel Tosh might be gay?"
Employee: "That would suck. I'd feel differently about him if he is gay."
Me: "Really? So being gay is suddenly going to suck all the funny out of him and someone you found formerly hilarious just won't be funny anymore because he might be into men?"
Employee: "I don't think he'll be less funny but I'll just feel awkward watching him knowing he's into men. Plus he tells gay jokes and if he's actually gay, they won't be funny anymore because it's like he's making fun of himself to make it less of a big deal that he's gay and not just making fun of gay people for the hell of it."
Me: "That's ridiculous. If he is gay and does make gay jokes to try and make it less of a big deal, good for him. People shouldn't focus on that anyway. It has no relevance what so ever to whether he's funny or not. If he likes to date men and watch gay porn or go hit up guy bars; whatever. It has no bearing on whether he's funny or not."
Employee: "You don't get it because you support that kind of thing. You can't see it from my point of view."
And he's right. I can't see it from his point of view because I'm just not ignorant enough to think someone possibly being gay is a good reason to stop enjoying them as a comedian. I've personally never even seen any of his videos or anything so I have no idea whether I'd find Tosh funny or not. I do know his sexual preference wouldn't influence me one way or another.
We debate this for another 10 minutes before I give up. We've had this conversation so many times over the last few months. The starter and the scenario are always different but the principle of the debate is the same. We don't ever agree.
I don't even want to entirely change his mind. I understand that not everyone will be comfortable with homosexuality. Which is sad but I realistically know that there won't be a day where every person on the world is comfortable and accepting of it. I just want him to stop letting someone's sexual preference color his view of them as a person. It doesn't define who a person is. It's just another part of the tons of parts that makes someone who they are. Maybe one day I'll get into his head enough that he'll learn to think of someone as an individual with a personality, full of characteristics that make them who they are and stop lumping people together by their sexual preferences and judging them based on that alone. No one should be judged or discriminated against because of their sexuality.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
This and this. Both anniversary presents from the boyfriend this week. :)
What's the last thing you ate that was red?
Have you ever questioned the sexuality orientation of a close friend?
Yes. Then I asked and he came out to me. It was pretty cool. :) <3
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Not intentionally. I've cried then ended up falling asleep in the process since crying is such a draining activity.
Have you ever laughed during sex?
Yeah. Sometimes something amusing happens.
Have you ever regretted being in a relationship with someone?
Nope. I learned something from every one of them, no matter how brief they lasted.
When was the last time you cooked something for someone not in your family?
I cooked dinner for my boyfriend and his family last weekend.
When was the last time you danced like a crazy person?
Every day. Just about.
What would you rather do: shower or bathe with that celebrity that you are crushing on?
Shower. I hate baths.
What was the last gift you bought someone?
Would you think it's OK to cheat on someone if they've already cheated on you?
Have you ever had sex in a tree house, in a barn, in a bus, on top of the roof, on a picnic table or on a boat?
No, no, no, no, yes, yes.
What's a song that gets to you emotionally?
Lately? "How To Save A Life" by The Fray. I'm not sure why because it never has before but lately when I hear it, it kills me.
What's in your pocket right now?
These shorts don't have pockets.
How many weddings have you gone to?
Oh man, I don't even know. Quite a few, lol.
How good is cottage cheese?
Ick, I think it's disgusting actually.
Do you have a lighter on you right now?
Do you listen to music every day?
What do you watch more of on NetFlix; tv shows, movies or documentaries?
Documentaries and a few TV shows.
What's the last type of cereal you ate?
Cinnamon Burst Cheerios.
What scent is your body wash/soap?
Currently, Bath & Body Works shower gel in Sweet Pea.
How many items of clothing do you own that are pink?
Zero. I don't like the color.
Would you rather ride a bicycle or swim laps for exercise?
Ride a bike and then swim laps. Lol, I like both so I couldn't pick one.
Does your significant other have any piercings or tattoos?
Tats but no piercings anymore.
Are you wearing anything blue currently?
How do you like your coffee?
In a cup, usually.
Do you own a fedora?
I do! :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
1: "I think the Bulls are definitely going down to the Heat."
2: "You're wrong."
1: "Why do you think that?"
2: "Because you're wrong."
1: "Okay. What makes you think I'm wrong?"
2: "You are. What makes you think you're right?"
1: "The Bulls are too young and not enough experience yet. I think the Heat just want it more as well. Why don't you agree with that?"
2: "Because you're wrong. Bulls will take it all."
And person 2 wasn't just being exasperating. They're whole point was that person 1 was wrong but couldn't explain why. Their argument went on a couple more minutes before person 1 just gave up. Which to person 2, was them just admitting defeat thus admitting they were right all along.
This always aggravates the hell out of me. I don't mind when someone disagrees with me or has a different opinion than I do. What I do mind is when someone wants to tell me I'm wrong but can't give me any reason why. "Because you are" and "because I think so" aren't good arguments for why a person is wrong. To me, it just shows a lack of knowledge in the topic at hand if you can't even come up with one singular example of why you disagree so vehemently with what I'm saying. What are you disagreeing with? What do you feel opposite about? What point are you trying to make?
I know some people like to disagree with everything just to be difficult. I don't understand that but I get that there are people out there like that. Which is annoying more often than not.
I also understand not being able to articulate what you want to say to properly convey your point in the exact light that you're trying to present it in. If that's the problem, just say so and maybe try to explain a little bit anyway.
To disagree with someone by stating you're right and they're wrong but having no reasoning behind it? Stupid. Also, to get pissy with someone because they want to hear your side of something after you've told them you think what they think is wrong? Ridiculous. You can't ridicule someone's OPINION and then get mad at THEM when they want to know what you're being so high and mighty for. Unless you're an immature brat incapable of having a grown up conversation, that is.
And lastly, if it's opinion being debated and not actual facts; there's probably no right or wrong anyway. It's fine to disagree and not see eye to eye but just because someone doesn't agree with what you're saying doesn't make them wrong.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
5 years ago today, the boyfriend and I went from crazy crushing on each other to being in a relationship. Which was scary for me because I went from not wanting that to badly wanting that in a short span of time.
We have gone through so much together. A lot of good and a lot of bad, too. I've done some fucked up things that I won't go in to detail about but we have worked through them and come out better and closer for it. I've gone through some really rough, shitty things with him. The hard part was opening up to him enough to let him be there for me and to lean on him when I needed to.
I have never been closer with anyone else in my life. I realized that a couple years ago and it terrified me to think about just how close I'd let him get to me when I'm normally not the type to open up and let people close to me. I don't think you can have a successful, healthy relationship being like that, however.
He understands me better than anyone else and I'll be the first to admit that I can be a confusing little mess at times. I'm also a quirky, weird gal but he doesn't mind all my weird quirks, ever changing moods or sometimes crazy neurotic behavior. The man just gets me.
He can make me laugh like no one else can because he gets my sense of humor and knows how to make me laugh, even at times when it feels like I can't even bring myself to smile.
He keeps me level headed when I want to rage and explode all over the place. He's that voice of reason when I'm being illogical and irrational, usually out of anger because of that bad temper I have.
He can comfort me and calm me down when I'm being anxious, panicky or just plain old upset.
He knows me better than anyone else. Which sometimes freaks me out because at times, he knows what I'm about to do or say before I do or say it. Also, that can get annoying. ;)
We're a lot alike but in a lot of other ways, we're different in a kind of complimentary way. We have a lot of common interests and several individual interests as well. He's willing to do things I like that he doesn't care so much for because they make me happy and I do the same for him. And bless him, he loves hockey too which is a good thing because I don't he could deal with my obsession if he weren't almost as bad as I am, hehe.
He does thoughtful things for me and he's the only guy I've ever been with that's put in that kind of effort for so long. Whether it's buying me some chocolate covered pretzels or a candy I like just because, getting me some new smell good stuff from Bath & Body Works because he knows I'm out, a shoulder massage without asking because I had a long day at work, ice cream because it cheers me up or staying up a little late to finish the laundry so I can go to sleep early. He's the sweetest, most caring person I've met in my life. Of course, he's also obnoxious at times. Not to mention the word "punctual" seems to be foreign to him and I cannot get him to stop leaving his damn socks on the bedroom floor. Still, he's fucking awesome and I love him.
In some ways, I can't believe we've only been together 5 years because it seems like it hasn't been that long at all. Though, some days, it definitely feels much longer, hehe. I'm happy with him and I'm so glad I've got his huge 6'8" self to come home to every night. I don't know where I'd be right now without him but I'm lucky I don't have to worry about that.
And Happy Wednesday to all of you!!!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sex can get rough without getting in to anything S&M. Delving into S&M can be mildly rough. It can also get violent. Extremely painful. It depends on what you and your partner like and participate in.
Say your partner likes you to slap and choke her/him during sex. Does it make it okay to slap and choke her/him outside of sex? No, it doesn't.
Say your partner likes you to tie them down, drip hot candle wax all over them and then whip them until they're nice and welted. Does that mean you can get pissed at them, throw hot candle wax on them and beat them with that same whip? Nope.
Say your play goes outside of the bedroom and happens on a more regular basis. Does it make it okay to take advantage of that and be abusive during a disagreement or just because you're taking out stress or another emotion on them? NOPE.
Does it mean once they've told you to stop or used their safe word that you can keep going with the abuse because they like it most of the time? Nope, sure doesn't.
The difference between abuse and being rough in your sex life is the consent to do so. During sex and S&M play, your partner is consenting for you to do things with them. They're consenting to the level of pain you're inflicting and how you're delivering that pain. When it's outside of the bedroom and you hit them out of anger or some other emotion when they weren't consenting it; that's abuse. That's why people use safe words during play. So that one can let the other know that it's too much and to reign it in or stop all together. That's why there are rules people set in place with their partners when consenting to rough and sometimes violent play so you know what boundaries can be crossed and what boundaries can't be crossed. That's why communication in these roles is so important so you can discuss what's not enough, what's too far, what was okay but should never happen again, etc.
So people that say Rihanna likely deserved the abuse she got because she had it coming for getting kinky in the bedroom are ignorant.
Just because someone likes rough play in their sex life does not give anyone the right to abuse them any time they feel like it. Just because someone enjoys being rough or violent during sexual play doesn't mean "they have it coming" or "secretly want it" and it doesn't mean "it's okay because I've done worse in the bedroom before" because that's all bullshit. If they're not consenting to what you're doing to them, it's not right.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
1.) I look pretty good in a fedora. I wish I could wear a fedora at work, that would be awesome. Though, doesn't really go with my uniform but whatever. Matching smatching. Yeaaahhh.
2.) Break lights and a turn signal let you know I'm slowing down to make a turn soon. Riding my ass won't make me speed up and recklessly make a turn, bitch ass. In fact, now I'm going to go even slower just to piss you off more while you try to eat the tail end of my car.
3.) If I got an all black Mini Cooper, I'd totally put a Batman logo on the roof instead of a flag or checkered pattern.
4.) I don't care what he's singing about, I'll just listen because his voice is so pleasant. (Billy Currington popped up while I was letting channels scan.)
5.) Ha, that car looks like Pepto Bismol jizzed all over it. (White Civic with pastel pink splotches all over it.)
6.) I should wear a fedora in to work one day just to see how my boss reacts. (He over reacts to EVERYTHING.)
7.) I think I'm wearing mis-matched socks. Again.
8.) Shit, my foot is itching now. Ahhhhh.
9.) A bright yellow sign that indicates "this lane exit only" is so hard to understand apparently. Idiots. People really need to pay more attention.
10.) OMG I LOVE THIS WEEZER SONG. IT NEEDS TO BE PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL. (After shouting in my head, I sang along to Troublemaker very loudly.)
11.) No playing that song at my funeral but still, it's awesome.
12.) The car is sooo green. It looks like mint ice cream.
13.) MINT CHIP ICE CREAM GET IN ME.
14.) Ice cream dispenser in a car? Hmmm. Maybeee.
15.) Batman shouldn't be the only one with cool ass gadgets in his car. Ice cream / coffee combo dispenser.
16.) That's an ugly couch. Wait... Why the fuck is there a couch on the side of 35? Why are there pillows on it?
17.) Oh look, I'm a cop, I can make illegal u-turns and run red lights to get to Starbucks. Pffft.
18.) This is why it's not legal or wise for me to carry throwing stars in the car with me.
I do a lot of thinking while I drive, obviously. Especially when there's traffic and I'm just sitting there. I'm sure there were some other thoughts but they've escaped my memory already.
Also, I typed all this up from my cell once I got to work since I got there a half hour early due to me looking at the wrong schedule. Woohoo.
Hope everyone has had a happy Thursday!!! :)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
-How did you not know about that? I posted it on Facebook.
-Didn't you see my wall post on Facebook?
-Well I posted it on Facebook, it's not my fault you didn't know.
-You would have known about the party sooner if you had replied to my event invite on Facebook.
Basically any variation of me being in the dark about something because I didn't see it on Facebook.
Guess what? I don't check my Facebook every 5 minutes. I don't check it every day. When I do check it, I get bored within several minutes. I don't seek out anyone's profile to see if I missed something interesting they posted. If you want me to see something on Facebook, your best bet is to send me a message. Don't assume just because you posted something, everyone you know saw it. I don't spend much time looking through wall posts and even less time is spent on profiles and pages. Sometimes I wonder why I even have a Facebook still beyond occasional amusement.
Same goes for Twitter. I'm on there quite a bit more but just because you tweeted it, don't assume everyone saw it. I work a lot and I don't always have time to scroll through and read everything. I don't.
This goes for blogging and any other form of social media people use to post about life happenings, random happenings, etc.
If something happens, good or bad, and you want me to know; make an effort to specifically tell ME. Don't get mad because you used a social media venue to alert everyone to something and I missed it. A text message, a direct message on Twitter or an email all work just fine if you want to make sure a specific person or several certain people know about something. It takes a little more effort than a generic PSA to everyone but it also guarantees the person/people you want to know about something will know.
Not everyone lives and breathes social media. Not everyone spends every 5, 10, 30 minutes obsessively checking. Not everyone spends an hour or more going over everything they missed while they weren't obsessively checking. The way people's direct communication skills are deteriorating due to using social media and addressing groups as a whole assuming everyone is as plugged in as most people are is really annoying to me.
End rant. Thank you and good day. :)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Monday, May 16, 2011
We went to the Ren Fest and I'll admit, I don't go to a lot of festival type things but I look forward to this one every Spring. I love it. The Renaissance time period was something that always fascinated me when I was younger and in school still. Ever since I was a little kid and discovered what it was, it's been a point of interest for me and that interest never wavered. We spent 7 hours at the festival yesterday. Saw several shows, visited plenty of shops (I got a few things but I'll post pictures later when I have more time but if you cruise my Twitter timeline from yesterday you'll find a few pics), played games, listened to music, handled some weaponry, ate and just generally enjoyed the atmosphere of it all.
It was YB's first Ren Fest and he had a great time. We watched a joust which he dug and he did several things he's wanted to do for a while now but hasn't had the chance. Like rock climbing, throwing ninja stars and archery. LS went to a smaller Ren Fest they had in CA last year but she said Scarborough was about 4 times bigger and better than that one. So woohoo.
I looked at tons of dresses yesterday, too. Another cool thing about these is all the actors and vendors are dressed in period correct clothing and a lot of people that come also dress up. I love looking at all the clothing everyone dressed up is wearing. Who doesn't love a corset? I know I do. ;) My plan is to acquire a dress to wear before the festival next year so I can walk around with all the other nerds in period correct clothing.
Being in the sun all day, even though the weather was great, wasn't so bad. My arms get red then just look tan the day after. My face is actually the only part of me that gets sunburned and actually goes through the trouble of being in pain, skin peeling and then looking tan. Everything else just gets red and then skips the process and goes right to tan. I have no idea why my face choose to be so difficult but it's annoying.
Which brings me to this morning. I woke up ad groggily dragged my ass into the bathroom. I went to wash my face, still half asleep and wasn't thinking about the combination of warm water and sunburned skin. As soon as I splashed the too warm water on my skin, I was awake and kicking my own ass. That shit did not feel good. I did rinse the facial cleaner off with much cooler water and that felt nice and soothing. Stupid sunburned face.
I was a bit worried yesterday that I would have less fun because I've had so much stuff going on lately and so many serious things preoccupying time in my mind that I've just not been having the best week or so. I didn't want any of that to ruin my fun yesterday and it didn't. I was so into absorbing everything around me and enjoying myself and watching my family and boyfriend enjoy everything that I didn't think of anything but the moments. It was a nice vacation from my thoughts and reality.
Then my boyfriend and I went out later in the evening to watch the first game in the Western Conference Finals. It's between San Jose and Vancouver. I'd rather see Vancouver win and they did win Game 1 last night, 3-2. After spending most of the game trailing behind San Jose. They came out fired up in the 3rd. It was a good game and cannot wait for more in the series. Though, the results of the WCF and Eastern Conference Finals will determine which two teams will play for the Stanley Cup. So, hockey is almost over. At least I can occupy my sports love with baseball. It's not the same as hockey since that is my favorite sport but I do love baseball, too.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
What's the last thing you ate that was red?: Strawberries.
Have you ever questioned your sexuality?: When I was much younger and confused about why I liked both boys and girls, yes but I didn't really know what I was questioning back then, lol.
Have you ever lost a best friend after a fight?: Not one I was really close with. I've had other friendships end over silly things before.
Have you ever washed an iPod or mp3 player in the washing machine? Nope. Which is amazing given the amount of things I have washed on accident.
Have you ever screamed / yelled angrily at a teacher? Once. It wasn't the smartest thing to do but it felt nice.
Have you ever acted like you understood something when you didn't? Not that I can remember. I'm pretty good about asking questions if I don't understand something.
Have you ever pretended to be older than what you are? When I had a fake ID and was sneaking into bars/clubs with my friends that were old enough to get in. Not in a long time, though.
Have you ever cried because you were turned down? No. I handle rejection like a champ most of the time. I always just assume that person will be missing out and
Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Twice. Ironically, it wasn't the one time my mom essentially made me take a pregnancy test because she was convinced I was knocked up. That was the easiest pregnancy test I've ever in my life taken because I knew there was no way I was pregnant. And yes, it did feel good showing her the big fat negative. The actual scare I had happened a year before that and then another time several years before that one with a different guy. Both times were just because I'd forgotten a pill and then went an exceptionally long time between periods.
Have you ever pretended to like someone when you didn't? No. Which is where my boss and I butt heads a lot over work related issues but we won't go there. I will say I'm not mean to the employees I don't like. I'm polite and professional but don't act all chummy like he does.
Have you ever stolen money from one of your parents? I think I'd snag dollar bills out of my mom's purse when I was a little kid. And I probably lifted a fair share of quarters from her change jar from time to time.
When did you last see a movie in theaters? I have no idea.
When was the last time you baked / cooked something? I cook something every day I'm at work, which is almost every day. So. If we're talking non-work related cooking? I don't even remember the last time I actually cooked something was. I'm rarely home.
When was the last time you danced like a crazy person? When I was getting ready for work yesterday.,
When was the last time you just wanted to be invisible? I can't remember, it's been a long time since I felt that one.
When was the last time you got a gift you absolutely hated? I don't really get gifts I hate. The people who give me gifts all know me well enough that they give me awesome stuff I love. The people who don't know me well enough to get me an awesome gift just give me giftcards. Win win.
When was the last time you had to sleep with a nightlight? No idea. When I was very young. I like the room to be as dark as possible when I sleep.
When was the last time you were under some serious stress? Last night at work. I worked from 11 AM to close which put me out of there close to 1 AM. I had a short break in the afternoon but mostly spent the whole day at work. It was super busy, the schedule was shitty as far as the crew, too much bickering, too much drama, too many mistakes being made, too much of a lot of shit.
When was the last time you watched your favorite movie? I don't have just one favorite. Though I haven't watched a movie in weeks. Stupid work takes up so much of my time.
When was the last time you downloaded a song? Uh... I don't even know. Over a year, I know that much, lol.
What would you say is your favorite hobby? Currently? Having a few hours to do nothing would be my favorite hobby, lol.
What is your favorite thing to do when you hang out with friends? Talk. Eat. Laugh. Drink. Especially if there's a hockey game in the process of that. Bars or some kind of sport is fun, too.
What would you rather do: shower or bath? Shower. I HATE baths.
What do the majority of people think of you? I don't have a clue. Go ask them. :p (Though, if anyone wants to answer this one feel free since my answer is an awesome non-answer, haha.)
What is the color if your cell phone, if you have one? Black..
Would you ever donate money to charity? Already do! :)
Would you ever dump the person you're with for someone cuter? Nope. <3
Would you ever disown one of your relatives? Yes. If it wouldn't cause any drama among other family members, damn right.
Would you ever cheat on someone if they cheated on you? No. Him doing it doesn't make it okay for me to do it. It does make it okay for me to make him miserable, though. (kidding!)
Would you ever consider becoming a teacher? No fucking way. I do NOT have the patience for that. Good teachers? I admire them so much. Praise to all you good teachers out there!
Would you ever give a hitch-hiker a ride somewhere? Nope. I'm not that trusting of people.
Would you ever try to quit one of your addictions? I have quit addictions so if I had another that was a danger to me, I'd work on kicking it also/
Would you ever die your hair purple? Been there, done that & I'd do it again. I can rock purple hair pretty well. :D
Would you ever try being with a member of the same sex? Again... Been there, done that & I'd do it again. :)
Would you ever kill yourself to save someone else? I have no idea to be honest. I can think of a handful of people I'd put myself in harm's way to protect, though.
Would you ever spend $100 for the best tasting hamburger in the world? Nope.
Would you ever consider becoming a nun? Not a chance.
Would you rather chew gum off the ground or kill a squirrel? .......Could I maybe choose the gum I'll be chewing? I might feel better about it then. I'm not killing a defenseless animal that isn't posing a threat to me.
Would you rather have a turtle or a frog for a pet? Turtle. I love turtles.
Would you rather dye your hair green or blue? Blue! Also done that one and I liked it better than any green I ever tried.
Would you rather text or talk on the phone? Text.
Would you rather spend a day with Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus? Neither.
Would you rather learn to play piano or guitar? I can play the piano. It'd be cool to learn guitar.
Would you rather have a stomach-ache or headache? I would rather have neither. They both suck.
Would you rather be overly interesting or overly dull? .....What? I guess overly interesting.
Ever told someone that your fake jewelery was really real? Nope. I don't wear nice jewelry or fake jewelry meant to look like nice jewelry for one. Two, I wouldn't do that anyway.
Did you ever watch The Adventures of Alex Mack? I remember reading some of the books. I think I did watch the show. Or, I'm thinking of the wrong thing all together.
Who has the worst public restrooms? I HATE PUBLIC RESTROOMS. THEY'RE ALL TERRIBLE. I think the ones at gas stations or concert venues suck the most, maybe.
Would you eat cat food for $500? Depends on what kind of food it is. :p
Who is the last person you smelled? The Boyfriend when he was leaving for work, he had showered and I could smell the scent of his soap. If you mean last person I actually put my nose near and sniffed then no idea.
Name a song that got overplayed really fast. Anything Top-40. Actually, most anything on the radio gets overplayed.
Do you shop at Payless? Nope.
When's the last time you had a popsicle? A couple weeks ago. Mmm, raspberry.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
While doing some blog reading one a break during a split shift at work, I saw this on Another Suburban Mom and decided to steal it for my blog. I liked it that much.
ASM found a blog called The Everyday Minimalist and found a post where she quotes the Dalai Lama on his 18 rules for a better life and after reading them, I decided I liked them and wanted to share. This was the first time I've read that but a lot of the things in the list of 18 are things I already apply to my life regularly. While only a few points made in his list are things I haven't heard or thought of before, it's still a good list and a little reminder of things we might not take into account regularly is never a bad thing. So, enjoy. :)
3. Follow the three R's:
a. Respect for self
b. Respect for others
c. Responsibility for all your actions
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Basically, he's not doing well at all. He doesn't remember where he is most of the time. He hallucinates a lot, seeing and hearing a lot that isn't there. He's got a lot of issues going on that I just feel are too private to get into but his health has deteriorated a lot over the past few months. Last week, after a trip to the hospital after a series of seizures, the doctor told us his body was just starting to shut down. Renal failure, fluid slowly building up in his lungs and some other things. They say anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks is probably all he has left. I know a lot of people will say he'll go when he's ready but I think he's afraid of leaving my grandmother alone. When he remembers who she is, that is. Alzheimer's is a bitch. I don't know why he hasn't gone yet but I know he's not going to win this battle much longer.
It's hard to think of him in his current state. I've seen him sick and in a hospital so many times and so many times he's beat out what was trying to take over. He's not doing that now and I know it's because he's old. Hell, he's not too far from 90. And honestly, I feel lucky he's lived passed so many things and been here for as long as he has.
I know I'm lucky. And as I always say, I know I'm lucky that he's been around and been an active part of my life. I know to think about good times, blah blah blah. Like I also so, I'm allowed to be sad and remembering all the happy times doesn't always make it hurt any less. Sometimes, it does the opposite.
I have great memories of him, though. Any time my grandma was going to get on to us for something, as long as it wasn't something bad, he usually just told her to let us alone because we were just being kids. He would sit outside and watch us climb trees, help us out when we needed it. Push us in swings. Watch us play basketball and sometimes even do that with us. He was always there with a sharp comment that made me laugh or something insightful that maybe didn't always make sense at the time but always sunk in later. I'll always remember when he said The Boyfriend needed a haircut and to get and keep a good job otherwise he wasn't good enough for me. I remember it didn't take long after that for him to tell The Boyfriend that he didn't worry about me being with him because he knew that he would always watch out for me. My grandpa doesn't think I need protecting or someone to take care of me but he didn't want me to have a man that was going to try to take advantage of me in any way either. Plus, he's just old fashioned that way.
Grandpa didn't often say a lot, though when he got in the mood to talk he was always funny and sharp witted. He had a way of being brutally honest that I always admired and I think in part that's where I learned to be that way from. He didn't say things just to be mean, he said them because that's the way he saw something and why beat around the bush about it?
It's hard to think of him as I always have and see him as he is now. The contrast in the two realities is hard because one is how he was and one is how he is now. Sometimes, sickness and disease wear a person down until they're just a shadow of the person they used to be. That hurts. It feels like you've had that person taken away from you when they're still there physically. I've wondered lately, while he's in the final stages of his Alzheimer's, how that must feel. He's lived in the same house since my mom was a child. How must it feel to sometimes not recognize those things that were once so familiar? To lose parts of yourself piece by piece. To start acting in ways you never have before and then not remember it happening. There's so much to it and honestly, I hope I never know how any of that feels. I would hate to lose myself and my life piece by piece, remembering it in waves until eventually there's more nothing than anything else.
I feel bad for my grandmother, too. It has to hurt more for her to go through this with him every single day. And like I said, there's a lot of stuff I'm leaving out because it's personal and doesn't belong here. Or anywhere besides in words spoken between my family and thoughts that aren't spoken of again. I know it's been hard and at times scary for her. I also know it's going to be hard for her to part with someone she's spent the last 6 decades with. She's been in denial for so many months now, just thinking more tests and more treatments can fix it. My mom told me grandma told her the other night that she's accepting it or at least trying to but it's hard to wrap her mind around the fact that he's not going to be here much longer.
Last year, I was at that place where I felt selfish for wanting him to get better so we all could have him around longer and then felt a little cold for just hoping he'd pass soon so he could stop hurting. Right now? The way he's living isn't how anyone should have to live. Life isn't fair, though. So all I hope for is that he'll pass soon.
Every time my mom sends me a text or I see her name pop up on my caller ID, I just feel a knot tighten in my stomach and I always hold my breath for a few seconds. I don't even tend to realize I'm doing it until I exhale. Even though I want him to pass, I'm still not really ready for it. I think even when you know it's coming, you still can't ever get ready for it. You can accept that it's going to happen and accept that it will be sometime soon but there's not a way to get ready for it. It's not like going on a trip or planning for some event that you can control more.
I have promised myself one thing. That after he does die, I won't drive myself crazy thinking of all the times I could have visited or called when I didn't. I could think of a hundred instances where I could have done more or said more but I will not let guilt or anger for what I didn't do get to me. I have done that before and it just makes it hurt worse. So, I promise myself I'm not going to do that with him. I think at the end, no matter how much time you spent, you'll always feel like it was never enough and you can't let that eat away at you. You can't make up lost time but you can make sure they know what they mean and how you feel about them.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Employee got pissed off and tells me he's going to go into his "disciplinary bitch fest" and start with this, "I think you would agree that your free time is more important than this issue and if I quit right now, you'll have none." None meaning my bosses free time will go out the window if this Jr. Badass up and quits.
All I could do was laugh at that after I got done asking if he was sure that was the way to go about it. I did remind him we had 6 people turn in applications the last couple days and several people who had turned them in the week before calling to check on if we needed help or not that would happily appreciate a job opening. Then he reminded me that they wouldn't know what they're doing. My only thought was how it wouldn't be difficult for them to learn. I started where he did and I had everything down in a few days and was promoted a couple months later. Learning everything is pretty simple and if they have previous experience doing something similar, it's that much easier. Honestly, I would have fired this dude a few weeks ago because he's a fucking tool and not that great of an employee. He's lazy a lot of the time and he whines so much it makes me wish I could punch him in the face so he would have something relevant to whine about. My boss is more patient with people, thinking that with some direction and discipline, he can teach them a better work ethic but I digress.
Him quitting isn't going to effect my bosses free time or schedule, if he does end up quitting. The guy works part time and isn't a manager or any kind of shift leader. He's just a schmuck that works a few nights a week. A very spoiled schmuck that whines like a bratty toddler who's yet to realize he's not as important as he thinks he is. Him quitting will give another guy who wants more hours a chance to pick up a few and it'll give a new person a job. That's the big effect him quitting will have.
I've never understood the high sense of self-worth some people get at work. Thinking that they're just SO AMAZING that the world will crumble if they quit or get fired. Granted, sometimes there are instances where losing one person does make things go to hell. More often than not, that's just not the case. Especially not when you're working in a fucking restaurant and only working 2o hours a week, if that.
I'm just bummed I'll miss the show if he really does go through with the little speech he has prepared to give. Which I don't doubt he will considering he's said similar things before. They actually had a talk about a month ago on the topic of Employee thinking he could get away with a few things under the pretense of we were low on staff, so he couldn't be fired because then we would be screwed without him. And no, he's not one of those types that just spews that kind of crap to try and feel better about himself. He's worse because he actually genuinely believes it and thinks that way. Having met his dad a few times, I know where he gets it. I wish some traits weren't passed along, lol.
Friday, May 6, 2011
I was doing some shopping for some essentials and picked up some of that hair removal stuff. Kind of like Nair but a different brand and this was a gel, not a cream. I was reading the label when the girl I didn't know looked at what I was doing and felt a need to comment on it. Our exchange went like this.
Girl: "It's a shame women waste so much money on hair removal products. There's nothing shameful in having body hair. I haven't shaved, waxed, plucked or removed a hair from my body in years. I save so much money."
I stopped and looked around quickly, assuming she must be babbling to someone else. I was the only person on the aisle with her and she wasn't on the phone.
Me: "That's nice for you. I prefer not to have any body hair and don't mind spending the money on waxing, shaving, et cetera."
She made a "tsk tsk" sound then looked at me with this look that said, "Oh you poor misguided soul" that was a mix of what I read as pity and sympathy.
Girl: "Of course that's what you prefer because as women we're taught from an early age that we should shave the hair from our armpits and legs and thighs to be more desirable. You shouldn't be ashamed of your body hair."
I looked at her and contemplated ignoring her. I went with that tactic and picked up a different bottle to read. She wasn't deterred by that and proceeded to share her thoughts on the subject more.
Girl: "I'm not trying to be obnoxious. I'm just a feminist girl trying to reach out to another girl. I'm merely trying to help offer some insight."
Me: "Thanks but I'm not ashamed of my body hair. I just honestly prefer to not have any and always have."
Girl: "You don't get it. You think that way because that's what we, women, that's what we're taught to think and how we're taught to feel about it and men and hell society as a hole really -"
I cut her off there because I wasn't interested in having this debate.
Me: "Look, I get what you're saying. Before you start going on about the patriarchy or telling me that I'm brainwashed by what society says is acceptable based on an archaic notion, listen to what I'm saying. I shave and/or wax because I want to. I prefer the look of being shaved and prefer the feel of it, too. I hate having stubble and don't shave because I feel I have to. I do it because I want to, plain and simple. I appreciate your point of view and good for you but I don't appreciate you assuming all women are the same and shave because they feel like they have to just because that's the way you personally feel."
At that point, a store employee came up to us to see what was going on. Apparently, I raise my voice when I get aggravated. That ended the argument because the girl just glared at me, glared at the employee, dropped the things she was carrying and presumably left the store.
Now, I have no problem with women who don't want to shave. Guess what? You don't have top shave, wax, pluck, tweeze, or do anything to your body that you don't want to. If you don't do it because you feel like you're standing up for the right not to do it, more power to you. Maybe you just prefer it that way. I don't pretend to know why people do what they do because unless you ask, you don't likely know. I don't care if you never remove a single hair from your body. If that's what you want, do your thing and don't be ashamed of the choice you make.
If you want to remove the hair from your body, as I choose to do, do it because you want to do it. I've let my body hair go before and personally, I don't like the way it feels. I like the way my jeans feel against clean shaven skin versus hair and vice versa. It's just my preference. I don't do it because I feel like I have to to be more attractive or because it's what's acceptable by society's standards. If you're doing it for that reason, try skipping it for a while and see how you feel about it then. You might like it or you might hate it and find even if hair removal is a pain in the ass that it's a pain in the ass worth dealing with.
My problem is with people like that girl. I've heard other people in real and seen people online making this argument. I've seen blog posts, forum threads and other debates about it. If you stop shaving because you feel like you're standing up for the right not to, that's fine, but DON'T assume that everyone that does it is doing it because they feel like they have to for whatever reasons. Sure, there are people that do it because they feel like they have to but not everyone feels that way. To assume so and to lecture people without knowing what you're talking about is ridiculous and stupid.
And before anyone says it, I know not all feminists are like that girl. I'm not attacking feminists or people who don't remove their body hair. I'm just going off on presumptuous people who aren't as open-minded and non-judgmental as they think they are. In my opinion, assuming everyone does something for the same reason you decide not to do it is a narrow minded way to look at things.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Guess what I baked?
Nope, not my rainbow cake.
Rainbow cupcakes. ;)
I used a pastry bag to do the frosting. I'd never used one before and that was not only my first attempt at using the bag but also my first attempt at multi-colored frosting. So, I only did half a dozen of the cupcakes with multi-colored frosting in case I some how messed it up. They didn't come out exactly as I wanted them to but I do like how they look. Next time, they'll look better for sure.
I just did plain vanilla frosting and multi-colored sprinkles on the rest of the cupcakes.
All of the cupcakes are rainbow cupcakes, though.
This is what they look like.....
If you want to see a couple more pictures of these babies, go check out my Tumblr page.
These are seriously fun to make. A little time consuming but not too bad. Definitely fun to do and they come out looking so freaking cool it's hard to care about how long it takes to do. Now if I could just get people willing to pay me for baking stuff for them. ;)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Have you ever made out with someone in a bathroom?
Not recently but yes, yes I have.
What were you doing at 11 last night?
I was at work.
Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Not exactly. I'm wearing a t-shirt that was my boyfriend's until I took it over as a sleep shirt, lol.
What are you listening to?
Rain hitting the window and loud thunder.
Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?
Oooh, I LOVE the zoo but definitely an art museum.
How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?
One on my right, 3 on my left. Just cheap little plastic ones.
Has anyone ever called you at midnight on your birthday?
Yes, pretty much happens every year.
Have you ever slept in the same bed as your best friend?
How much cash do you have in your wallet?
Not sure, I think $90 something.
Have you ever used fake tan (out of the bottle) lotion, cream, spray, etc?
What do you think of girls sixteen and younger going on the pill?
If they're going to be fooling around, they need to be doing it responsibly and safely.
Would you rather be stuck in the pouring rain, or in a snowstorm?
Rain, for sure.
Would you rather your boss or a random neighbor see you naked?
Uh, I'd rather neither but I guess a random neighbor I guess.
If you were single, would you rather have sex with the 5th person in your cell contacts, or the 5th to last?
Oh geez, NEITHER.
Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
Would you rather be arrested for a DUI or getting caught having sex in public?
If you had to, would you rather take a bath in a lake or in the ocean?
Ocean. I have issues with getting in lakes.
Would you rather be just rich, or rich and famous?
Just rich, I'd hate being famous.
Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?
Are you wearing jeans right now?
Nope, it's 5something and I'm laying in bed.
Where is your significant other right now?
Did your birthday come yet this year?
Nope. June 15th!
Have you ever taken Ambien to fall asleep?
No, I've been contemplating getting on something since I have such issues sleeping and sleeping well.
Do you own a Snuggie?
Do you own a zebra print bag?
I don’t own anything that has animal print.
Have you ever dated someone who had more than 5 tattoos?
Do you know all the first and last names of every person you had sex with?
EDIT: I answered wrongly at first mainly because I didn't think about this question much. I've since realized that there are a few people I slept with having never even known what their last name was. So, there ya have it.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Teleporting everywhere I need and want to go. Then I'd be all, "FUCK YOU GAS PRICES" and wouldn't actually have to cringe next time I had to go get gas anyway.
Favorite hangover cure?
I never get hangovers. :D