I love my friends but sometimes the texts I get from them... I don't even know. And the conversations that spawn from random text messages? Here's one from yesterday, copied right out of my phone's inbox.
Guy Friend: "I need your help. Serious question here. I'm at the clinic and need to pee in a cup. I drank a couple bottles of water before I came but it's not making me have to pee."
Me: "Where is the question in all of that?
Guy Friend: "How much pee is a sufficient amount? I've only got like 1/8 of the cup filled. Am I good? If not, don't reply, just bring beer. That shit makes me piss like a racehorse."
Me: "That's probably not enough. Go ask how much they need for it to be sufficient. I don't work there, I'm not going to know."
Guy Friend: "I do not want to go ask how much pee I have to have in the cup. I'll look like an idiot. Can't you Google it or something?"
Me: "If you want it Google'd you should just use your iPhone. Don't be such a baby. They've heard worse and dumber questions before, you tool."
Guy Friend: "JUST BRING ME A COUPLE BEERS. I'LL BE ABLE TO FILL 3 CUPS IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES IF YOU BRING BUD LIGHT."
Me: "I'M NOT BRINGING BEER TO THE CLINIC FOR YOU. STOP BEING A TWAT AND GO ASK HOW MUCH FUCKING PEE YOU NEED IN THE CUP."
Guy Friend: "I'll just wait it out and hope the water makes me have to pee soon."
Me: "You take too long in there and they might think you're in there jerking off. I bet that would be even more awkward for you since you're scared to go ask about pee."
Guy Friend: "They're not going to think that."
Me: "Who takes this long to pee? What else are you doing in there assuming you're in there with your junk hanging out?"
Guy Friend: "You're not funny and they're not going to jump to that conclusion."
Guy Friend: "Great, now I can't even go ask how much pee I need in the cup because I'm worried they're going to think I was in here spanking it. Thanks. A fucking lot."
Me: "It's what I do. I get in your head and fuck shit up."
Guy Friend: " Why are we friends?"
Me: "No idea. Now seriously, go ask before they really start wondering what's going on in there. The longer you take, the more they'll wonder. They might even come knock on the door."
Guy Friend: "I don't want to go ask. I'm pretty sure this isn't enough but I don't know how much I need to squeeze out. Why didn't they tell me how much they needed before they sent me back here?"
Me: "If you don't go ask, I know where you're at. I will call and tell them you're in the restroom afraid to ask how much urine they need for a sufficient sample and have someone go back there to talk to you."
Guy Friend: "DON'T DO THAT."
Me: "Looking up their phone number now...."
Guy Friend: "Fine, I'm going to ask. Put Google away, jackass."
Me: "You better really be going to ask. Text me back and tell me how much you need in like two minutes or I'm calling up there."
Guy Friend: "Half a cup at least. They gave me some ice water with a few lemons in it."
Me: "Turn on the sink and listen to the running water. Or get on youtube and find a video of a waterfall or something."
Guy Friend: "This is ridiculous, fuck. I drank enough water and that water with the lemons was disgusting. I should be able to fill the cup by now."
Me: "Probably performance anxiety? Maybe some stage fright? Your urine is against medical testing and silently protesting?"
Guy Friend: "You're hilarious but not at all helpful here."
After probably 5 minutes, he sent me a picture of the cup full of his urine. I'll spare y'all the imagery there because I really could have done without it personally. Though he said it was in retaliation for me being somewhat of an ass while he was freaking out over the whole ordeal. And it was only pee, so not a big deal. We decided that given the nature of the testing (which I won't get into because he said I could post the conversation as long as I didn't say what it was specifically for or go into the story itself, which I wouldn't have anyway because it's irrelevant) he was probably just nervous and maybe a bit scared and that's what made a normally simple task quite difficult for him. Also, he's some how never had to pee in a cup before in his 24 years of life. Which led me to questioning if he's ever seen a doctor before, lol.