Friday, September 9, 2011

It's been three months since he died...

Today makes it three months since my grandfather passed away. Anyone who read that post or anyone who has followed me or known me long enough knows how important he was to me.

I know how lucky I was to have such a good relationship with him and I am thankful for that and thankful for all the good memories of him I have.

It's still hard to think of him as being gone, though. Since he passed three months ago we went through what would have been my grandparents 64th wedding anniversary (less than a month after he passed), my grandmother's birthday and what would have been my grandfather's birthday at the end of August.

I think the first year will be the hardest because it's all the firsts he won't be around for. It's just weird to not think of him being at family events or not talking to him when I talk to grandma. Him not being there when we go to visit and just lots of things to get used to.

I know with time it will get better though. At first, lots of things made me cry. Certain songs that made me think of him would get me tearing up. A few times watching Rangers baseball games made me cry. I'd see things, smell things, hear things and think of things that reminded me of him and I'd cry. It hurt a lot and I hated that it made me cry so easily because I'm rarely brought to tears by anything. One night, I was laying in bed with the boyfriend and something he said reminded me of grandpa and I just started sobbing. He laid there with me, rubbing my back, letting me cry, getting me tissues, getting me water, hugging me; generally being the supportive and amazing man he is. He understands how it feels. His grandfather was his father figure and him, his mom and his little sister lived with their grandparents until the boyfriend was 17. Then they got a house a quarter mile down the street so they would still be close.

Three months later, though? Things make me sad, things make me miss him, I get emotional sometimes but I don't cry over everything any more. Things don't even get my eyes watering very often any more. I don't feel bad about that because it's a good thing. It's good to take time to grieve and mourn but you have to be able to move forward, too. It doesn't mean you're forgetting or caring less but you can't stay stuck in grief and sadness because it will consume you and effect you and people around you negatively. Your life can't stop because you lose someone you love.

I'll always love him and always miss him. Some days are still hard but, I know it gets better with time. And I'll always have the memories of all the great moments and happy times I had with him.


Anonymous said...

Here I thought I was going to post something know what? I really don't have any words to offer. Everyone's experiences are different and I am not even going to pretend I know what you are feeling.

All I can say is that I think I understand as my mom won't be long for this world either...and I will probably be going through many similar emotions you are going through.

What I can say, I say about myself. I sometimes beat myself up at the naive thinking that we are all going to live forever.....

KendallJaye said...

I was a "Grandpa's Girl". Never a "Daddy's Girl". I lost him at age 14. In other words, way too soon. An even though it's been 22 years without him, I still can't look at a military uniform wihout thinking of him. I still can't hear Old Rugged Cross without tearing up.
Hugs to you!!!

Anonymous said...

suck it up and get over it people die all the time move on

Jormengrund said...

Personally AR, the pain never really goes away. Sure, you can learn to live with it, but there will be times when something that is said, or something that happens will remind you of him, and the pain will be there. It won't be as sharp or hurt as bad as it did when he first was gone, but it will still be there.

You are an amazing person, and I know you'll grow from this. Just give yourself the time to heal, live, laugh, and love.

Best wishes to you and your family (oh, and the boyfriend too!!)