First up, we have a tale of an inflatable couch....
T: "Hey! I need your help please!
Me: "Something wrong?"
T: "Yes. I need you to come over NOW and help me get the inflatable couch out of the swimming pool. I can't do it by myself and the couch is getting wet."
Me: "Do not get into the pool drunk. Leave the couch in there, just let it drown. Also, where the hell did you get an inflatable couch."
Me: "Why did she bring an inflatable couch over?"
T: "Oh uh, she said she wanted my dog to have a couch to sit on."
Me: "Interesting. And how did the couch get into the pool?"
T: "Reily didn't like having his own couch."
Me: "That doesn't explain how it got into the pool."
T: "I don't know. I just know it's in the pool and I don't want it to keep getting wet and I don't want it to drown."
Me: "It'll be fine. Unless there's a hurricane in the pool over night, then it'll be destroyed."
Which I shouldn't have said since I spent the next 5 minutes convincing him that there wouldn't be a hurricane in his pool and another 3 minutes convincing him it wouldn't drown in the pool and then another 2 minutes convincing him to leave the inflatable couch alone and go back inside. If only I could have found a way to get there unnoticed, deflate the couch and sink it to the bottom of the pool, haha.
A: "You know what's a bad decision? Putting crunched up chipotle ranch potato chips onto a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then dipping it into Italian salad dressing. Sadly not the worst decision I'm going to make tonight."
Me: "A good friend doesn't sleep with his friend's sister. Especially after eating that kind of garbage. Can you imagine if you have to throw that up later? And throw up while on top of her?"
A: "THAT'S FUCKING NASTY....and it's his cousin not sister and they're only cousins by marriage so that doesn't count as real family anyway."
Me: "It still counts, they've been cousins since they were toddlers. Rationalize it any way you want, you're still a douche in the morning."
A: "How can you cockblock me when you're not even here? Asshole haha."
Me: "You know you're still going to do it anyway."
"Or some other one word catch phrase that would fit better there."
H: "I just drank out of a beer bottle someone peed into. Should I go to the hospital? I already threw up."
Me: "Haha. Nah, you'll be okay."
H: "You sure? When I puked it was in
Before I could respond...
H: "No wait don't tell him I told you that I did that please! I'm not going to say anything to get back at him for that one time he made out with my girlfriend before I broke up with her. I'm gonna go piss on his guitar now too but don't tell him that either."
For the record, I don't even know the person he was referring to. Telling him would have been pretty impossible even if I wanted to, lol.
And that does it for this episode of drunk texts.
Have a great Saturday, y'all!