Monday, May 23, 2011

S&M VS abuse...

I am not a fan of Rihanna's music. I cannot stand the sound of her voice and I dislike her songs. Though, we play crappy pop music at work so at times I have to hear songs by her. Something that bothers me is after she did the song with Eminem about domestic violence and now her own S&M song is that I've heard people making comments about how she must have been asking for the abuse her ex gave her. Now, I don't watch her videos and don't follow anything about her. I don't even follow celebrity news or gossip because frankly. I don't give a damn about what goes on in the lives of people I don't know. So, I don't know if this is something a lot of people are saying or not but it really doesn't matter. I'm going to assume that it's a popular opinion among a lot of ignorant people and not just some of the people I work with and a few other narrow minded people I know.

Sex can get rough without getting in to anything S&M. Delving into S&M can be mildly rough. It can also get violent. Extremely painful. It depends on what you and your partner like and participate in.

Say your partner likes you to slap and choke her/him during sex. Does it make it okay to slap and choke her/him outside of sex? No, it doesn't.

Say your partner likes you to tie them down, drip hot candle wax all over them and then whip them until they're nice and welted. Does that mean you can get pissed at them, throw hot candle wax on them and beat them with that same whip? Nope.

Say your play goes outside of the bedroom and happens on a more regular basis. Does it make it okay to take advantage of that and be abusive during a disagreement or just because you're taking out stress or another emotion on them? NOPE.

Does it mean once they've told you to stop or used their safe word that you can keep going with the abuse because they like it most of the time? Nope, sure doesn't.

The difference between abuse and being rough in your sex life is the consent to do so. During sex and S&M play, your partner is consenting for you to do things with them. They're consenting to the level of pain you're inflicting and how you're delivering that pain. When it's outside of the bedroom and you hit them out of anger or some other emotion when they weren't consenting it; that's abuse. That's why people use safe words during play. So that one can let the other know that it's too much and to reign it in or stop all together. That's why there are rules people set in place with their partners when consenting to rough and sometimes violent play so you know what boundaries can be crossed and what boundaries can't be crossed. That's why communication in these roles is so important so you can discuss what's not enough, what's too far, what was okay but should never happen again, etc.

So people that say Rihanna likely deserved the abuse she got because she had it coming for getting kinky in the bedroom are ignorant.

Just because someone likes rough play in their sex life does not give anyone the right to abuse them any time they feel like it. Just because someone enjoys being rough or violent during sexual play doesn't mean "they have it coming" or "secretly want it" and it doesn't mean "it's okay because I've done worse in the bedroom before" because that's all bullshit. If they're not consenting to what you're doing to them, it's not right.


Easton said...

I know you and your BF do get into S&M though I do not know how much so into it you have gotten but that is irrelevant to my point.

I agree with what you're saying and I assume that you and your BF are smart and talk about the effects that being violent during sex can have on one mentally AND emotionally.

CONSENT is key with so many things in sex and kink.

No man or woman is bringing violence upon them self just due to the fact that they like to get kinky and rough sexually.

They are only asking for it when they're asking for it and most people involved in these types of playing know when it's proper and when it's not because those things are to be discussed before doing them.

Kinky sex, rough sex, violent sex? NONE gives anyone the right NOR THE FREEDOM to be abusive physically or verbally to their partner outside the realm of consent they have in place.


Anonymous said...


how does anyone know rihannas bruises and violence didnt stem from things getting out of control in the bedroom or going further with a lack of communication?

if communication lacks things can get out of control.

also if you get used to being violent with one another in a setting where its okay it can sometimes come to a point where it filters into your subconscious as a behaviour that is okay.

BTExpress said...

I know bloggers that are into S&M/Master-Slave cosplay and seriously enjoy it. Howard Stern had dominatrix on years ago and I heard some weird stuff. It's not for me, but what ever floats your boat.

phairhead said...

As someone who works in the domestic violence community, I applaud you for this one ever ever deserves to be abused. I think what most people don't understand is that DV is that it is more than a man hitting a woman. DV is a pattern of power and control over a person, not an isolated incident.

Anonymous said...

Exactly, just because you may tend to like it rough in the bedroom, it does not make it okay to actually abuse them outside of the sex. Great post. (april)

T said...


That is all.

K & J said...

As someone who practices BDSM I enjoyed this post. Everything in the bedroom is about consent & trust. That's why we use safewords. If it's gets to point where it's to much you can let the other person know it's time to stop.

I can agree to an extent with Anonymous. In the past I made the mistake of engaging in BDSM with people I really didn't know and they took things past my desired limits. That's where it can turn in to abuse. However that's why the key is trust & proper communication.

In the end if I have marks from being whipped because I desired it, then its consent...Not abuse. If I didn't want it then it's another story.

Again, great post.

~Jess XX~