E1: "'I have a question about something home related. I was just wondering, how long does it take for milk to go bad? I accidentally put the milk back into the cabinet and the cereal back into the refrigerator."
Me: "Ha, most people have done that a time or two before. How long did you leave the milk in the cabinet for before you remembered?"
"E1: Not long. Just 3 days. Maybe 4? I'm not sure. Less than 5, definitely."
Me: "I'd buy fresh milk and get rid of what you have at home."
E1: "Ok. It's still in the cabinet anyway. I forgot about it this morning again."
E2: "You know how in Dumb & Dumber they get in trouble for peeing in the beer bottles."
E2: "I want to do that. Pee in beer bottles, get pulled over and argue about it being pee until the cop drinks the pee. I will have a friend in the back recording that shit so it can go on youtube."
Me: "You know, the cop would likely just smell it if he or she touched it at all. He or she wouldn't actually take a drink out of it."
E2: "How do you know? Are you psychic now?"
Me: "If by psychic, you're asking if I've got plenty of common sense, then yes, I'm psychic as hell."
E3: "You know what's a bad idea?"
E3: "Chopping onions, handling onions and then rubbing your eyes. They burn now."
Me: "Go flush them."
E3: "Like, you mean in the toilet or...?"
Me: "What? No, keep your face away from the toilet unless you're vomiting. Rinse them out with water. Wash you hands, too."
E4: "If the moon were really made out of cheese, wouldn't that make bread the most popular grocery item in the space grocery store? And wouldn't it melt when it came in view of the sun? Or got too near one of the really hot planets? It doesn't look like cheese. Well, gross molded cheese maybe. That makes the moon moldy." <--He wasn't being silly, these were serious questions. I thought he was being goofy at first so I just let him go on but then he got upset when I wasn't taking him seriously. Oops.
E4: "What country is China in?"
Me: "You mean what continent?"
E4: "No, continent is like ketchup or something, right?"
Me: "No, that's condiment, not continent. China is a country. Asia is a continent. China is in Asia."
E4: "Wait, then what country is Asia in?"
Me: "..........I don't even know how to answer that. Asia isn't a country or in a country. Go to the library and do research this weekend on Asia and China and the difference between a continent and country. Please."
E4: "Does Dallas even have one of those?"
Me: "A public library?"
E4: "Yeah, I've never been to one or seen one anywhere."
Me: "Several." I then proceeded to attempt to explain country, continent, etc but didn't have much luck.
E4: "Do you think squirrels have sex dreams about acorns? Is that like a food fetish for them if they do?"
E5: "If I drop this whole carton of eggs, do many do you think will actually break?"
Me: "I don't know but put the eggs back in the cooler."
E5: "What if I accidentally trip and the carton goes flying out of my hands and lands on the floor? Then it'll just be an accident and I'll see how many eggs actually break."
Me: "I know it won't be an accident if you end up doing that."
E5: "If I trip, it's an accident."
Me: "Not when you're planning to trip. And you just told me the whole plan. So if you make yourself trip, I'm going to know you did it on purpose to see how many eggs will make it out alive."
E5: "What if I pay you like $15 to waste this one carton of eggs?"
Me: "Fine. Give me the $15 and then waste away."
*5 minutes later*
E5: "Haha! Only 5 broke. And omg I can't believe you let me waste a carton of eggs. Big Boss will be so mad at you tomorrow when he sees a carton missing. You're so in trouble."
Me: "I can't believe you gave me $15 to let you do it. I'll go buy a half dozen down the street for $1.50 to replace what you broke and that still leaves me with $13.50 profit. Thanks."
E5: "Wait... Damn."
And yes, sometimes, I do wish I were making this shit up. I'd end up facepalming less at work and likely end up with less headaches, too. Granted, this stuff doesn't happen every day and not everyone that works there is a complete goofball. Overall, I like my job and like most of the people I work with. Just some moments.... I just have no words for. I just shake my head and feel like smacking someone upside their own some days, lol.