Thursday, February 10, 2011

On dating your best friend's ex....

I'm at work right now. Hiding in the office for a little bit taking a break. (I'm scheduled from 10 am - 2 pm and then 5 pm to close so technically, this is my break time anyway even if I didn't go home, lol. I digress....) These two girls were at my job, sitting at a table close to the front and talking really loudly. Like we tend to do, we listened to some of what they were saying. Mostly, it was tuned out because I don't find most people's conversations that interesting really. No, it's not eavesdropping either. You're just overhearing a conversation being had in public by people talking loudly. No sneakiness going on, all you have to do is not ignore them. Yep yep. Anyway. It went like this....

Girl: "Lindsay and I were best friends up until a few weeks ago. She broke up with V because she said she didn't have feelings for him any more after like 2 years of dating. She started dating another guy like two week later. So I went to V and was like hey you know I like you and want to date you and pretty much asked him out. V said sure so we went out and kind of started dating and fucking. So when Lindsay found out I was with V, she got pissed and we're pretty much not friends now. She said she's not but I know she's just totally jealous that V is with me now and not her. Like she just hates that he's with me and not her. Total envy on her part you know?"

Friend: "I don't know about jealous. Maybe she's upset with you?"

Girl: "Yeah, right. She's definitely just jealous because she couldn't make him happy and clearly I'm doing what she couldn't. Like I said, total and complete envy."

And all I could think was, "sure, keep telling yourself that." If this former best friend of hers wanted this guy so badly, she wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place. And she's not likely jealous of you for going after her ex-boyfriend but more than likely pissed because that's a shitty thing to do, especially behind some one's back, especially when they're supposedly the person you consider your best friend. The way people rationalize things sometimes just baffles me. I'd be more inclined to believe she just tells the story that way to make herself seem better or make it seem like they're friendship ended because of her friends jealously and not because of her own shady actions. I really hope she's just not delusional and conceited enough to believe that it's all an issue of jealously.

That got me thinking, though. How would I feel if one of my best friends went after The Boyfriend if we broke up? Well, most of my best friends are guys and most of them aren't gay or bisexual or in to their own gender at all. So, it's a fairly moot point that I really don't have to worry about. Hypothetically, I thought about it anyway. And I'd be weirded out by it a little bit. I wouldn't want to be around my ex hanging out in a group with him while he's dating/banging one of my friends. It would be inevitable that we'd end up hanging out at times due to my group of friends doing things in groups and bringing their significant others all the time. That would just be awkward. I'd also never be able to talk about my friend's relationship with them because I wouldn't really want to hear about him anymore once he was out of my life. Plus, I just think it's something you don't do. You don't date your friend's exes. Unless of course your friend is totally fine with it and truly doesn't care. Then that's up to you and those involved to discuss and figure out.

I also think length and seriousness of the relationship come in to play. In my case, The Boyfriend and I will be celebrating 5 years together in May. If something that serious and long term were to end, I would think my friends would be respectful enough not to go after him because that would be hurtful and plain out suck.

I think it's more difficult if you're emotionally vested in the person. I know I don't personally get too tied up with someone very quickly. I'm more cautious in the matter of the heart stuff just because I see no reason to rush. I don't fall easily. With The Boyfriend however, I love the dude to death and would be crushed if it ended up not working out for some reason or another after all this time. It would hurt to see one of my friends with him and would hurt to have to be around him or hear about it.

However, another example is I dated a guy for like a month when I was 17 or 18 and one of my then female friends ended up going out with him after I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him further after our dozenth or so date. I wasn't emotionally invested in him, there was no relationship and I wasn't emotionally tied up in him in any way. So when this girl wanted to go out with him, I really didn't care and told her to go for it and was happy that she had a good relationship with him for a lengthy time. I lost touch with her and they were still together then so hey, maybe they still are. I don't know and it's not really relevant honestly.

What do y'all think? Would you ever date a best friend's ex?

Happy Thursday!


Aurore said...

My perspective on this is a little different.

My HS BF was best friends with my Gay BF back when we were all in high school. After a break up that was long overdue the Gay BF and I started to realize we were more than friends. Nothing happened between us for almost a year because he was afraid to jeopardize his relationship with my ex and his best friend. We were in university by then and the boys were drifting apart. Well once that happened, the Gay BF and I finally got together.

Did we both get a lot of flack from our friends for basically stabbing my ex in the back - yup. We actually lost friends over it. But we weren't a fling. We dated for 6.5 years after that and we're still friends.

We waited and tried to prepare him for what was coming but I can understand if people are attracted to a best friend's ex - I was one.

That said, in the case you're talking about that girl's an idiot. You don't just pounce on a guy your best friend just broke up with. That's bad manners and in poor taste.

emjaye said...

That girl is going to hell. I wouldn't want a guy so fresh out of a relationship anyway. She's likely being used and will be disposed of.

I have some girlfriends with great boyfriends, but even if they broke up, I wouldn't go for it. I can find my own amazing guy, thanks!

Janie said...

It's definitely all to do with length of time dating/intensity of the relationship. Someone a friend dated for a couple of months and was't really that into - fine. Someone who they thought they were going to be together with forever? Not so fine.

But I guess talking to the friend would be the best thing, seeing how they feel. Some people might not feel so strongly and would be happy for you to date their ex. As long as you're considerate of their feelings they can't exactly get annoyed.