Friday, February 18, 2011

He's in the hospital again :(

My grandfather had a stroke last night. My mom was a little lost in the North Dallas area because she had ended up on the wrong road somewhere and called me around 10:30 PM to ask me for directions. My mom lives a couple hours East of Dallas. So that she was up in the area at that hour let me know something was wrong. She told me her and my aunt that also lives in East Texas were on the way to the hospital because Grandpa had another stroke. It was a bad one. Not that there are ever good ones honestly.

I haven't wrote about it or mentioned anything about it but the last couple months have been really hard. My grandfather has cancer and has for a long time. He's got some other issues and has Dementia. It's gotten to the point where he was hallucinating all kinds of things as well as becoming violent as well as some other things. So my mom has been driving up to Dallas a LOT lately between looking after him and taking them both to countless doctor visits. My grandmother has breast cancer and has been dealing with that but my grandfather's been going to doctor's a lot recently for things that keep happening with him. My mom has driven roughly 800 miles back and forth just this week, not including tonight. He's been on a new medication for the mental stuff for a couple weeks now and he's been doing better with that. Having less episodes, hallucinations, violent outbursts, etc.

So, it's 3 AM as I'm typing this out and my mom and aunts are at the hospital still. I'm so worried. A lot of people don't understand because a lot of people just aren't close with their grandparents. I grew up with mine about an hour away. They visited often, we spent weekends with them, we spent spring breaks and weeks at a time during the summer with them. Even as I got older, I still spent time with them and spent time chatting on the phone to keep up when I couldn't go visit.

It's only around 6 weeks into the new year and this isn't his first trip to a hospital for an emergency visit. I know he's old. I know he's got a lot of illnesses. I know he won't be around forever; no one will. It still hurts. I was at work when I found out so I just kept focusing on work for a while. Then I started thinking about him. Happy memories then sadness because I know he won't be around much longer. I don't think he can handle much more and he's in his late 80's now. I was still somewhere between laughing at a memory of something funny I remembered him saying recently and then crying because he wouldn't be around much longer to make smart ass comments about things anymore. Then in that constant back and forth of laughing over something and then fighting off the urge to cry. On one hand, I hate seeing him deteriorate to the point he's at now; it's fucking awful and I hate knowing he's hurting at all. But, the thought and realization that we're going to lose him soon hurts so much. I know it's inevitable but it still sucks. I'm grateful he's lived such a long life and I've got to have such a good relationship with him and my grandmother, too.

I absolutely hate when people tell me, "Just focus on the good times, the happy memories." Or, "Appreciate the time you had with him," "Be thankful that you had a good relationships with him for so long, " "Make sure to tell him how much you love him and what he means to you." I HATE THAT. I KNOW to think about the good times and happy memories. I have tons of them to choose from, to think about, to smile over, to laugh about. I am grateful that I've had a good relationship and got to know them and be close with them. I do tell them both I love them every time I see them or call them. I do tell them I appreciate what they've done for me and having them in my life. You know what? It's natural to be sad and hurt when someone you love is dying. I'm not wallowing in it and not 100% focusing on the bad stuff. So having people tell me all the positive stuff when I have a moment of being upset really irks me. Or having it constantly mentioned annoys me too to be quite honest. I know but hey, guess what?
I'M ALLOWED TO BE SAD. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but too damn bad. It's part of life and when you're upset and someone feels a need to remind you that it could be worse or that you should be happy because you're lucky you got the time you did, it feels like it's being belittled. Or sometimes it just feels like a slap in the face.

I'm not a religious person but my grandparents and most of my family are Christians. I'm not adverse to offers of prayer for my family if you feel like giving them. Good thoughts, positive vibes and such are always welcome, too.

Have a good weekend, y'all.


Joker_SATX said...

Well then Hugs to you Chica! We can give you that virtually at least right?

phairhead said...

I know exactly where yr coming from....yr in my "prayers"

MinorityReport said...

Thinking of you.

Another Suburban Mom said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

viemoira said...

It is so hard to watch someone you love age and slowly deteriorate. It is emotional on so many levels. My thoughts are with you and your family!