Thursday, January 20, 2011

LOL....

I saw this on Veronica's blog and had to share it here.

"As we approach the beginning of another year I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.....hmmmm


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.


I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.


THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a penny dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.


I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician...

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!"


Lol. :D It made me chuckle so I figured I needed to share it with y'all, maybe make a few more people chuckle too. Some of those I've never heard before. Probably because I rarely open junk mail and when I do, I don't finish it once I realize that's what it is, lol.

Happy Tuesday!

6 comments:

sarahbear said...

That's really funny. I have to say that I do not, ever, put my purse on the floor of a public bathroom. I always hang it on the little hooks on the back of the door/side of the stall. If there isn't one it stays on my lap. I am not really sure why I started doing that.

nitebyrd said...

If we read and believed all that stuff, we'd never leave the house!

I am still waiting for the money from Bill Gates, though! ;)

Another Suburban Mom said...

My brother and I try to send my mom and any other well meaning relatives the snopes links disproving what they sent, but they still don't listen.

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Spiky Zora Jones said...

hey honey: sometimes knowing too much is a bad thing.

good thing I have a short attention span and terrible memory.

see...I'm fine.

xx

Organic Meatbag said...

hehehehe, well, I can somewhat relate... I notice I am becoming increasingly OCD as I get older...but yeah, I get emails about this stuff from my Mom and Dad too...I spend a lot of time debunking...