Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Adult product reviews...

I haven't done any new toy reviews lately. I was unemployed and putting the majority of my efforts into finding a job, going on interviews and finding odd jobs to put cash in my account until something worked out. Then, I finally got a job and find myself at work 6 days a week, often working 10 to 12 hour days, sometimes more.

Another thing was, I was just tired of doing it. Tired of all the bitching people were doing about things. Tired of certain people picking at me. One thing that amused me was when people bitched about unnecessary things others had in their reviews. Unnecessary to whom? To someone who reviews 2 or 3 or more toys per month and has for months or years? To someone who has been reading sex blogs and reading toy reviews for long enough to know the boring details? To someone who is familiar with sex toys and the proper ways to store and care for them?

Lets break from my point to look at something. These are some searches used to find reviews of mine.

"LELO toy product review"
"pink curvy silicone dildo"
"LELO GIGI vibe product review"
"bumpy glass dildo information"
"tantus dildo pink"

There are more but I didn't think to do this post long enough ago to start saving up terms out of search engines that landed people on my review of whatever toy their search landed them on. Do you think the people searching that stuff knows a lot about the toy their searching for? Maybe they do. Then again, maybe they don't know anything at all other than they heard about this one brand of vibrators and wanted to research them to see what they're all about. Maybe they went into a toy shop and looked around, then went home and decided to do research on them to see what would be good and what wouldn't. That's not hard to believe. If you go into a store and see a LELO vibrator that's over $100, you're not likely going to buy that on a whim without knowing anything about the toy or brand.

The thing I think a lot of reviewers forget or just don't think about is that not everyone who reads the review is someone who has read several reviews before. It's not always someone has reviewed half a dozen, a dozen, three dozen or more toys before and knows the drill of the boring details. It's not always going to be someone who's even involved in sex blogging in any way at all be it reviewing, having their own blog or reading them. It's not always someone who has any knowledge about sex toys at all. I think with a lot of reviewers, they're so immersed into it and their online community is people who are immersed into it as well; that's what they're used to dealing with.

Things like proper ways to clean the toys, store them, what kind of lube you should use, etc might seem like boring and unnecessary details to you. They'll probably seem that way to a lot of the people who comment on your reviews, too. People who aren't unfamiliar with toys and people who also review or are part of the sex blogging community.

I've gotten plenty of e-mails in the passed with people asking me questions that they apologized for asking because they were "stupid" questions but they didn't know.

"Is any soap okay or does it need to be something specific?"

"When you say 10% bleach solution, what does that mean exactly?"

"What's the best way to boil a dildo? Do you need to clean it before or after or does boiling it cover it?"

"Can I use a latex condom with a silicone dildo?"

Sure, they seem like stupid questions to someone that knows the answer already. To someone who doesn't, they're legitimate questions that deserve real answers.

Now, I've mentioned this to several people before and their response is usually along the lines of, "Well, it's common sense how you clean a toy."

Yeah, to someone who already knows how to do it and already knows what will and won't damage a toy.

Not everyone who stumbles on your review is going to know all that you know. What does it hurt to add in a few boring details? Especially people who say they work so hard on their reviews so their readers can get as much information out of it as they can? Especially if you claim a big part of you doing reviews is to educate people on a product and try to help them make an informed decision? What's the harm in a few extra minutes typing out a few boring details that you already know but that a handful of people reading along might now know?

I know before I started doing reviews, I didn't know everything I do now. Another argument I have gotten with this is a couple reviewers saying, "Well, I learned by researching it so they can, too. Not like it's hard." True... but, i
f they read your review looking for a certain product they are researching it in a way, especially if they found the review through a search engine. If you're putting up a review of a product and claim to do such a thorough job of giving as much helpful information about the toy as you can, does that not include the "boring details" you're tired of typing out?

And yes, I know most reviewers have enabled comments and most have e-mail addresses listed so if someone had questions they could always just ask. I can also see how someone might be too intimidated to do such a thing for fear of seeming like an idiot.

I'm not saying everyone should change how they write reviews. Do your thing and include whatever the fuck you want. It's silly to pick at other people for what they choose to include in their reviews, especially when you're picking at things just because they seem unnecessary to you. I'm not picking on anyone. I just don't get why people make such a fuss about it. Certainly, if you're immersed into toy reviewing to any extent you're going to get sick of reading those boring details. You're going to get tired of typing those boring details. I just think it's silly to bitch about other people having those boring details in all of their reviews just because you, most of your commenting readers and other sex toy reviewers/sex bloggers you know/associate with already know all of those things. Outside of the community, not everyone else is so immersed and educated in these types of things. I'm not saying people who aren't reviewers/sex bloggers don't know shit because that's not true either by any stretch. There are going to be people who know what they need to know and people who know more than the person that wrote the review they're reading. There will also be people that don't know anything, though. People who know certain things but not other things. People that will appreciate that "unnecessary information" because they didn't know already or were uncertain and didn't want to ask. Just keep in mind that just because something seems "unnecessary" to you doesn't mean it's going to be so for every other person who reads the review you're slamming for having "extra information" in it. I'd rather know more than I need to know than walk away with things unanswered, in most cases.

And I'm done now. Thanks for reading. :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sports, judgmental people, etc...

On Saturday, I ended up having the morning off from work and went to the Open House they were having for the Stars at the American Airlines Center. I went with The Boyfriend and three of our hockey loving friends. We got free tickets to the game on Thursday night against Colorado. I was kind of bummed because I have to have a week's notice to request time off. Thursday, I usually work a split shift from 10 am - 3 pm then 4 pm to 10 pm or something like that. The hours vary but I work a split shift that gets me there in the morning and has me leaving at 10 PM or later. I get to work Saturday night and check my schedule for the week. I have Thursday night off. I have to work my split shift that I normally work on Thursday's on Friday and I close Saturday so I'll spend all weekend at work basically. BUT AT LEAST I HAVE THURSDAY NIGHT OFF SO I CAN GO TO THE GAME! I have to open Thursday and then leave at 4-ish. The game's at 7:30 so I get off in plenty of time. Woohoo! I'm excited. Still a preseason game but I don't even care. GO STARS!!! :D If you want to see a few pictures from the Open House practice, check my Tumblr out. I still have more (better ones) to post on there but there are a few up now.

I love having a Pandora app on my phone but sometimes, I wish certain bands/singers would stop popping up on there. If I thumbs down an artist X amount of times, they should just stop popping up. Not that I mind really, I'm just saying it would be cool if the app were able to do that. Or if I could totally block an artist/band from popping up that would be cool, too. You can bookmark stuff you like, why not be able to block stuff you hate? Just a thought. :)

Yesterday, it was 75 outside during the day. Partly cloudy, blue skies, pleasant breeze. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing weather compared to the summer we've had. Or, you know, compared the how it was the day before. ;) I love weather like that. I'm hoping it stays like that. I'm so ready for some cooler temperatures and more enjoyable weather. The Boyfriend and I had errands to run so we did that and had a late lunch at Chipotle. It felt so good we ate outside on the patio, which is something The Boyfriend rarely ever wants to do because he gets hot so easily. The Chipotle we ate at has a disco ball hanging from one of the trees out on their patio. That picture's on my Tumblr page, too, lol. Also? I love having a Tumblr app on my phone. :D

It's ironic how people who like to yell, "OMG DON'T JUDGE ME!" tend to be more judgmental than the people they're accusing of being judgmental. Yet, they don't seem to think their "constructive criticism" is being judgmental. They're just trying to help, you see. Or they're just making harmless jokes about people and things they don't really know or understand. So, it's different. Yeah... not really.

I get to see my mom and two youngest siblings at some point this week. It's been like a year since I've seen them which is the longest I've ever been away from them before. I miss them and can't wait to see them. My brother did some of that growing up stuff and is now apparently going to be taller than I am. Which might be strange for a minute, lol. And I'm not sure what color hair my sister is currently rocking. I get along so well with both of them. I'm also excited to have them go to the Stars game with me and the Boyfriend and out friends Thursday. My youngest two siblings and also my mom all love hockey too.

Speaking of hockey (again...lol) I did my first NHL Fantasy Draft yesterday. White Nebula invited me to join her fantasy hockey league so I went for it. It took two hours but it didn't seem like that long. Possibly because I was getting some work/writing done while I was drafting players. It was pretty fun actually! You know, minus the fact that people kept stealing the players I wanted, haha. Then again, I was taking players other people wanted so all is fair in drafting. ;) I might post my fantasy roster on here sometime soon. Maybe...

I think that's enough rambling for today. I have to be at work soon, lol. Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Happy Monday! Xo

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


On Facebook, there's an application that lets you answer random questions about your friends. It generates questions and friends at random and you answer them with a simple yes or no. It can be something like, "Do you think John Murphy is a good friend?" to "Is Wanda Waldo a good friend?" and so on and so forth. You don't pick the questions and you don't pick which friend you get the question about. On my Facebook account for my blog, I've had a hundred some odd questions answered about me and sometimes, even though I don't use the app, I like to look through them and see the answers. I can't see who answered what about me unless I use "coins" and I can't get coins unless I use the app and build them up. Or I can buy them and then use these coins to find out who answered what about me. I don't want to mess with it.

The questions are fairly basic and usually the answers are right on. Some of the answers are dead wrong, though. So, I was bored and figured I'd copy and paste some of the questions that were answered wrongly then add my own little note about it. I was bored, as I said. I was also (still am) dead tired and didn't want to do anything that required me to actually think too hard.

So, for your enjoyment.... The questions are in black, the yes or no answer from the mystery person that answered the question is bold and my response to said question and answer is in a pretty red font.

And who knows, maybe one of you reading is one of the people that answered a question about me and you'll find out if you're right or not. Or maybe you'll just learn something new about me. Or be bored out of your head. Whatever, it's all good. Enjoy!


One thing I have to throw out here.... TONIGHT IS THE FIRST PRE-SEASON GAME FOR THE DALLAS STARS!!!!! OMG!! HOCKEYYYYY!!! Of course, I'll be at work but I hope someone I follow on Twitter will tweet something about it so I can semi keep up with what's going on. :D Or I'll just check the ESPN app on my phone regularly. As long as I'm not busy, of course. :D

Also, if you don't follow me on Tumblr.... well, you should. ;) Well, ifyou're looking for porn, erotic photography, sex, sexy stuff, fetish photography, etc? Don't follow me, you'll only be disappointed by the lack of nudity on my Tumblr, lol. I'm always looking for new people to follow on there. :)

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Raining on Sunday...

I had a blogger/Twitter person send me Direct Messages on Twitter yesterday wanting to argue with me about something. She tweeted something and since I wasn't busy yesterday, I saw it and wanted to wish her luck in dealing with her crappy situation. She replied back with something snarky which ended up pissing me off. Basically it was a few comments about how it was nice of me to take time out of my busy life and acknowledge her.

I work 6 days a week. I don't work 9-5. I work double shifts most days. I work 11 am to 2 or 3 pm and then I have an hour or two off for a lunch break. I don't live close enough to go home so I grab lunch and then read a book while I waste the break time. Then I usually work 4 pm to close or 5 pm to close. So literally, I spend the whole day at work most days and I don't work a job where I'm at a desk on a computer. I'm on my feet and dealing with customers face to face the majority of the time. That doesn't leave me much free time for my real life and the people in it much less time to go check blogs and keep up with everyone on Twitter. The free time I do have, I'd rather spend with my boyfriend or friends or doing laundry or getting some errands done.

I didn't feel a need to defend myself against her snark so, I didn't. Which got me a few more messages from her getting more irritated because I wouldn't engage her in a silly argument online and wouldn't apologize for not being able to get online every to read her blog and tweets. So, she threatened to unfollow me and quit reading my blog. I told her to go for it.

Also, if you get annoyed by people talking about sports a lot, you probably shouldn't follow my blog or follow me on Twitter. I'm not going to get my feelings hurt over someone unfollowing my blog or my Twitter and I'm not going to make a big production out of it because I really don't care.

Anyway, lets hit some positives.

October 14th is the Stars home opener! We're more than halfway through September. I cannot wait for hockey season to get going. Training camp started over the weekend. I'm so ready for it. Baseball's great but in terms of sports, nothing beats hockey for me. :D I am excited about how well the Rangers have been doing this season, though. That's so nice to see. I'm hoping they keep on doing well and do great in the playoffs.

The Stars have some games before the 14th but that's the first home game. Which I was going to be very sad if I didn't get to go to, lol. One of my friends have a "we're doomed" attitude about the Stars this season. I'm kind of excited to see how it goes. We have some new players, Modano and Turco are gone, they're rebuilding as a team and I'm unsure how I feel about the direction it's all going. Even if seeing Modano (who has been my favorite player since I was 9) play for another team is going to suck, I'm still looking forward to the changes the team has made and hoping they will turn out to be good changes.

Lastly, a video of the musical variety. I know a lot of people dislike country so if you're one of them? Don't play this one, lol. I like country and I love Keith Urban. The actual video to this song is here but the embedding is disabled so instead of messing around with it, I just found one with the song on there. If you like the song, go watch the video. I love it. This song? Perfect way to spend a lazy Sunday (or any day...;D), raining or not. :)

Happy Monday!

Friday, September 17, 2010

A dozen....

I saw this on Veronica's blog and liked the questions. Since I'm mentally drained and sleepy as hell, I decided I'd rather post these fun questions over trying to write anything else. Mainly because I wanted to write something but I just can't articulate anything I want to write about. Anyway, on with the questions. :)

1. Do you do garage sales? If so, tell me about one great find. If not, tell me why not.
I don't. I don't have a lot of free time for one. Two, I've never thought about going to one before. Three, I rarely ever see people having them anymore.

2. Name the last thing you fixed.
Some chairs at work.

3. Name your A) Favorite item of makeup OR B) Favorite tool
A) Eyeliner and B) Cordless drill.

4. Which room in your home needs organizing more than any other?
Most of them but it's not my home to organize so, lol.

5. Which room could use re-decorating?
Same answer as 4, lol.

6. Share something unique about your town.
John F. Kennedy was assassinated here.

7. If you could send a one-sentence message to your great-grandchild, what would it be?
To be honest and always be themselves, even if it means some people dislike them for it.

8. Do you Facebook?
Yes. :D

9. Describe your favorite shoes.
My flip flops. They're black and, uh, yeah. That's about it. Super comfy.

10. Do you listen to more talk radio or more music radio? What kind of station is it?
Neither, the radio sucks. I listen to CD's more.

11. How far would you travel for a really good (favorite) meal?
An hour.

12. If you were totally honest with yourself (and us) what should you probably be doing right now instead of blogging?
Sleeping, I have to get up early for work and I didn't sleep much at all last night.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Orange Mango Grape...

I worked a 12 and 1/2 hour shift yesterday. I got home after midnight so The Boyfriend was asleep. He started his new job this week, which requires him to be up by 6 AM to get ready to start his day. I walked into the room quietly, set all my stuff down and then went to get a quick shower. Then, I dressed in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt and went to lay down in bed. I got in bed gently, which really wasn't necessary. The Boyfriend is a heavy sleeper. I could jump on the bed and he wouldn't budge. I got in gently just in case, though. I leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. He did a little smile and stirred a little bit, then wraps his arm around me and pulls me up against him. I asked, quietly, if I woke him up. He says nothing so I know I didn't. I laid there like that for a while, just relaxing and de-stressing from the super long day at work. I didn't have the best day and that helped, even if he wasn't actually awake.

I took this picture last night at work. It's just a picture of a shot on the TV....

I like that score. They were playing the Tigers and all but... they weren't leading Detroit for the whole game so I was worried at one point that maybe sweeping the Yankees over the weekend (nope, still not tired of saying that! :D) might have taken some juice out of my Rangers. No worries, though. Obviously, lol.

Also, I decided I'm going to try doing the Toys For Tots Fundraiser again this year! Lots of bloggers and blog readers and etc donated money last year and helped make it a huge success. Well, by my standards and given the time I decided I wanted to do it in, I'd say it was huge. Click the link to see the posts and see what I'm talking about. I'm going to start in mid-October I think and will post more details starting then. :)

I need to start jotting down random notes during the day. I always think of amusing and/or interesting things I want to blog about in the middle of the day while work tends to be slow and I'm spacing out. Then at night when I'm exhausted or early in the morning when I'm still half asleep, I can never remember any of the stuff I want to post on here. I don't always have time to write the ideas down when I get them but I'll figure something out. Not to be more entertaining or whatever. It's just annoying me that I think up good stuff I want to write about then can't remember while I'm writing.

I do have some dreams I've had recently I want to blog about. For now, I need to pass out. I'm exhausted and don't even know why I'm still up this late. Or why I got back up after I laid down in the first place. I seriously love that you can set blogs to post at any time, though. :D So while it's 3 AM now, this sucker won't see the light of the blog-o-sphere for another 3 hours. I hope to be in a state of complete passed the fuck out at that time. So happy I'm only working an 8 hour shift today so I won't be going in too horribly early. :D

Happy Wednesday, y'all!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Life isn't always pretty.

My mom and two youngest siblings will be here this coming weekend from California! Mom, LS and YB were planning to move back to Texas in January. They were going to visit in October for an extended amount of time so my mom could be around to help my grandparents out with the recent issues my grandfather has been having.

However, more stuff has happened. Grandpa is having issues getting blood flowing to his heart and brain now. If he falls down (which he's doing a lot) and doesn't get upright quickly, he could die in minutes. So, mom's SUV is in the shop as of today getting repaired and then her and YB and LS will be driving back to Texas for a while. So my mom can help look after Grandpa because it's just too much for my Granny. She's not in good health either (breast cancer and other issues) and plus, she's just too old to keep doing like she has been.

So, while I'm happy I get to see my mom and two of my siblings (I haven't seen them in a year) I'm also sad that it's not for a very good reason. I know death is an inevitable part of life but it still hurts. Watching someone that means so much to you deteriorate in health hurts. I know people say to focus on the good and I do. The bad is still there and I won't pretend it doesn't exist just because pain, suffering and sadness makes people uncomfortable. We're allowed to be sad and hurt over things. We don't have to pretend everything is okay all of the time. There's nothing wrong with being sad and hurting when someone you care for is hurting, suffering, dying. I won't focus on all of the negative and I agree, you shouldn't dwell on the bad or hurtful things in life that happen because it is a part of life, it does happen and you have to cope and accept it. I just think it's ridiculous how often and how quickly people want to change the subject to "remember the good times and be happy for the time you've had" because that's easier to deal with.

I already know to do that. I already know I'm lucky and I already have been recalling great memories of times together and appreciating what he's meant to me. I'm not going to ignore the bad, though. I'm not going to not cry or pretend that it doesn't hurt or pretend that remembering all the good makes it hurt any less. I'm sorry to the people it makes uncomfortable but that's just the way it is. It's just part of life. And life? It's not always full of sunshine, rainbows, happy days and pretty things.


Saturday, September 11, 2010


My friend uploaded this to her Facebook and then tagged a bunch of people to it. I like it enough that I wanted to post it on my blog. Obviously, eh? So, enjoy. :)

And yes, I know it's not always so cut and dry/black and white but I like the basic principle here. I get so tired of people bitching and moaning about things and yet never even attempting to try and do anything about them.

Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I want to say thank you to everyone who has suggested potassium for my weird toe cramping. However.....
I take two of those daily already. I've taken potassium for several years now because I would get terrible cramps in my legs that would be so bad that I couldn't move until the pain subsided through massaging it out. Which sometimes took several minutes to get done. If it happened while I was asleep, I'd always wake up and feel panicky before I realized what was wrong and try to get it to stop. So since I already have to take those little buggers, that's why the toe cramping throws me off a bit. I do appreciate that some of you are nice enough to toss out some suggestions to try and help a relative stranger, though. :)

Anyway.... :)

I don't have to go into work until 5 PM tonight. So, I slept in. Which was glorious. I woke up without the aid of an alarm clock then proceeded to lay in bed for half an hour listening to the rain pound away at the windows for half an hour. It was a nice way to wake up. Now the rain can stop for a while until after I've got to work. I don't mind driving in the rain per se but I hate that people drive so stupidly in it. I also never know how early to leave. I left half an hour earlier than I normally do (and I'm already normally 10 to 15 minutes early for work as it is) yesterday and still barely made it to work on time because I encountered FOUR different car accidents on the way there and that slowed me down considerably. I'm not looking for suggestions, just rambling and maybe bitching a little, lol. I just leave early and thankfully, I always have a book with me if I get there too early. Also, there's a coffee place right by my job that rocks so that's a good place to go if I have some time to kill, too.

Happy Wednesday, y'all!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Miscellany like whoa....

I closed last night at work and have to be back by 10 AM to work a double shift. 10-3 and then 4-10. Yeehaw. Last night was mostly slow but there were some parts that were busy. One right before close. Drunk customers can be amusing and wonderful. They can also be a pain in the ass and obnoxious. So, the last part of my night was stressful and I don't stress easily. The weather has been cooling off to he mid-80's here the last few nights. Which is so much nicer than it being 90-something and humid as hell. Something that always chills me out is rolling the windows down and rocking the fuck out while I drive home. Something about the fresh air hitting me, rolling through the car, speeding down the highway with some really great metal going just flat out relaxes me. It's one of the best ways for me to de-stress when I need to. So last night, I rolled the windows down and did just that. It was a great drive home and I felt cheerful by the time I pulled into the driveway. Also, tired. So very tired, lol.

One of my awesome friends came up to my job last night to eat. He brought me steamed rice and orange chicken from a Chinese place because I've been craving orange chicken like crazy lately. Then I got busy after two bites of it and didn't get to eat the rest for a couple hours. Lucky for me, I don't mind if my food isn't steaming hot. For the most part. Some things, I can't eat if they're not warm. The orange chicken was sooo good. I got a fortune cookie with a blank fortune, though. I was so disappointed. I rarely get fortune cookies so when I do, I want to be amused or roll my eyes at whatever sage advice or fantastic prediction I'm getting. FAIL.

BOY MEETS WORLD seasons are out on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW. Seasons 1-3 are the ones out right now. I need to acquire all three of them. Yes, need. I don't watch a lot of TV so I don't own a lot of TV shows on DVD. I have Will & Grace, House, Big Bang Theory and some Family Guy. Now, I need some Boy Meets World. :D

My toes have been cramping lately. I'm not sure what's going on there or why it's happening. It feels really awkward when it happens, though. I wish it would stop. That would be great.

HOCKEY SEASON STARTS SOON!! I know y'all have missed reading my posts about hockey related stuff. :p Of course, I could talk about the Rangers right now but the way they have played the last few games hasn't made me want to write anything on them, lol. I hope they get their groove back soon. Oh and people should stop injuring themselves. That, would be all kinds of fantastic.

I know these random posts where I just ramble about shit don't get a lot of comments but I don't care. I love doing these posts. I write my blog for me and just get happy that other people happen to, at times, enjoy my rambling. These posts are great for me because I can just ramble about boring stuff on my mind and get it out there so I can stop having it float around in my head space taking up valuable room that other things are waiting to take over. :p

I should definitely be sleeping since I have to be up for work in 6 hours. Why am I still awake? I was exhausted earlier and now I'm just feeling a bit wired. Ah well. I'm sure once I lay down and put on some Opeth I'll be lulled right into a nice sleep. Hopefully. Opeth is great "lulled to sleep" music for me, though. Depending on the album. :)

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, September 6, 2010

This, that, the other thing...

Musical Monday brings you "Maybe" by Sick Puppies. I love this band. They rock live. He seriously sounds better live and they put on a hell of a show. I don't relate to this song but I love it anyway.

I took The Boyfriend out for dinner last night. Nothing fancy or anything but it was nice to have the day off work and to go out to dinner with him. I hardly ever see him anymore because our work schedules clash. We live together and I see him one day out of the week since we both have Sundays off. I now really like Sunday. :p

The Boyfriend starts his new job in one week. I'm quite happy for him. I'm also happy that we'll be able to move out and live on our own again, just the two of us. I miss having my own place. I won't miss having to share a living space with other people. Or a cat. I'm not a cat person. Mostly because I'm seriously allergic to them and I'm not fond of anything that makes me feel disgusting and miserable.

I was out yesterday and heard a group of women in their mid-thirties complaining about how Paris Hilton is not news-worthy. And by heard, I mean they were standing behind me in line and discussing loudly that nothing she does should be news-worthy. This, amuses me. Why? Because all the other celebrities *are* much more news-worthy, eh? *rolls eyes*

There's a customer that comes into my job that looks like Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings. He's come in a few times now, his check is usually $15 or a little less but so far he always tips $10. He's nice, polite and kind of funny. And tips well. And doesn't make a huge mess. I like him, haha.

I have a Tumblr app on my cell now. I'm not on my laptop much since I'm so busy lately, lol.
If the app works well, I'll be able to use Tumblr more since I always have my phone on me. Well, I'll have the ability to use it more but no promise that I actually will. Though, I did post a LOT on there yesterday while I was enjoying doing very little on my day off. :p


And lastly, this quote? I LOVE IT.

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” - Robert McCloskey

Happy Monday!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

And then I cried.

I called my mom last night after I got off work to get some information from her on something I was confused about. She explained and gave me some suggestions. She was cooking dinner and said she would call back later. She called back a couple hours later and said she had some heavy stuff to tell me.

Since I haven't been blogging or doing much other than working, I haven't told anyone that my grandfather was just in the hospital again for 5 days. They sent him home on Tuesday. He's been sick and battling cancer, heart problems and other shit for years and years and years. In January he was in the hospital for a while. They said he was going to die then. Then oddly, he just seemed to bounce back and start doing better. He's had several hospital visits since then. And he's been doing more and more losing against the things he's battling.

Last night, my mom told me he was having worse issues. His body is starting to shut down on him basically. Slowly. I don't want to post the details about it all because I don't think I'll be able to write this if I do because it's crushing to me. I'm close with my grandparents. I grew up seeing them on a very regular basis. I always thought kids who only saw theirs every few months or a few times a year were odd because I saw mine so much. We spent weekends with them. Spring Breaks. You get the picture without me going on and on.

But when mom told me last night that Grandpa was dying, really dying this time? I think I was in shock. Maybe disbelief. So very many times, he's been literally to the point where doctors have said not to expect much over the years and he's fought back and stayed with us. I just didn't feel anything when she told me he wasn't going to be staying with us this time. He says it's too much. He can't move around on his own. He can't do a lot honestly. Thinking about all the changes hurts because I can't stand to see him hurting so much. I heard everything she said. Some of it was just heartbreaking and hearing my mom upset was a lot to handle. I just sat there and listened, taking it in. It didn't hit me though. I was hearing her, every word. I was hearing her pain and sadness in her words. I just didn't feel any of my own right then. It didn't feel real to me.

It's enough that my mom is going to be coming back to Texas here soon to help my grandmother take care of him and things around the house. One of my aunts is taking family medical leave from her job so she can help out, too. My grandmother has breast cancer and her own issues going on. Taking care of my grandfather is just too much for her on her own.

I follow my little sister on Tumblr. I saw her post something and read it. She's taking leave from her job in California to come back to Texas, too. She talked about it a little and talked about crying and being so emotional and upset. And that is when it hit me. Like a fucking sack of bricks. He's not going to make it through this time. I just sat there staring at her words on the screen. Then I clicked away and just sat there, thinking about all the times I had sat on a front porch talking with him or not saying anything and just sitting. All the times he would stand outside with us, helping us climb trees and standing there watching us, really so he could make sure we didn't get hurt. All the times he "got on to" grandma for griping at us over something silly. Then I got older and those trips got lesser so when I did have time to go see them, we just sat and talked. We'd play games with grandma and he'd sit in his recliner in the living room listening and making jokes or comments from time to time. I thought about when he met The Boyfriend and they sat and talked. I remember when he told The Boyfriend he could be part of the family and that he better always treat me right and take good care of me. All the times he's called me sugar and given me a hug, telling me he's happy I came to visit him. And all the times here lately where I've barely been able to understand half of what he tries to say but I always understand when he says I love you.

And then I cried. Hot tears rolling down my face until everything around me was blurry. I rested my head on my knees and sat there like that, crying and hoping if I cried enough that it would stop hurting. I ran out of tears before it stopped hurting. I knew realistically I wouldn't be able to cry it all out and be okay in one shot. I know it will take a while. I know to remember the good times I've had. I know to count myself lucky that I've had such a good relationship with him. I know once he passes he won't be hurting anymore. I know all of the positives that people are going to tell me to look at and be thankful for and honestly? None of that is going to make me feel better right now. I think sometimes, you just need to let something hurt and be sad about it for a while before you can be okay with it.