Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My heart? It hurts.

Last night, I spent an hour and a half on gtalk chatting with someone that used to be one of my closest friends. He's been one of my friends for so long. I wish he'd stop abusing drugs, though. I just can't deal with him when he's high and that's sadly the majority of the time. I can't handle who he becomes when he's high anymore. I used to handle it. I used to try to fix it. I used to try to make him see that he could get better. I didn't stop caring but I did stop wasting my time and energy trying to help someone who didn't want to be helped. He messaged me just to say hello.

We were talking about random stuff because we had not talked in around 2 months now and then just as I was about to make my exit from the conversation, he pops up with this...

Him: I miss you. And I love you. I just want you to know that.

Me: How do you mean that?

Him : I'm not in love with you. Just that I love you because you're one of my best friends, one of the people I actually let close to me. Best friend love yo.

Me: Okay, whew. Scared me there for a second, lol.

Him: I know you'll always be there when I need you to be. I know that even if you can't be around me while I'm using and I understand why you can't and I respect that decision but I know that you still care about me. You've been one of my longest friends and I can count on you to talk or to listen or to just make me fucking laugh you know?

Him: OR to be real with me and be harsh and honest and brutal and tell me the shit that I don't want to hear but that I need to hear. Even if you think I don't listen or don't care what you say I promise I hear it and it does mean something.

Him: I know you don't agree with what I do and I know you don't like it and some days I hate myself for not being strong enough to stop. To not need it anymore. And I know I'm a fucking mess and some days I hate myself for it. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder why I can't just stop and get my fucking shit together you know?

Him: And on those days, it helps that I can think about you and think about ***** and know that I have you and him in my life. I hate that neither of you will be around all the time and I know it's my fault and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the distance I've put between us. So thank you for always being there and for never giving up on me. I'm trying....

And then, I just started crying. He's so destructive when he's high. And it's not like he just smokes weed. He does that, he abuses cocaine and other hard drugs. He's careless, reckless. He's just.... not himself and not someone I want to be around while he's high. So, I pushed him away. I put distance between us and told him I wasn't going to deal with it anymore, that I couldn't be around him when he's like that. And since he's high so often, there aren't many times I can be around him. I just can't turn my back on him and completely give up on him, though. I don't even really know why. I care about him and we've gone through a lot together. I don't let people close to me easily but I did let him get close to me. We opened up to each other and became really good friends over the years. I miss what used to be there but I know it won't ever be like it used to be again. It's so hard caring about someone who's an addict. I've seen him go for months at a time where he does good and he doesn't use. Then something happens and he falls back into it and then he just keeps going and going and going.

And if you're going to comment and tell me that people can't be helped until they're ready to be helped, save it please. I already know that hence why I put so much distance between us. I don't reach out to try to talk to him or see him ever anymore. I want him to get help but I know he has to be the one to want it and to do it for it to ever happen.

And I also know that some people will never change and that it only hurts yourself to hang on to them and keep hoping they'll change. I hope he'll change, I really do. I don't honestly count on it, though. We're not as close as we used to be, due to the distance and the fact that I don't reach out to him anymore.

I don't try to help him anymore. I don't waste time lecturing him anymore. I can't not care about him, though. I've tried to just shut him out completely and work him out of my life. And I let him back in because he's important to me and probably always will be, even though it will probably always be hard to have him be a part of my life.
I just want him to be happy... and healthy and in a good place. And I hope he lives to see the day where he doesn't feel like he needs the drugs to be happy anymore.

Have a good Tuesday, y'all.


phairhead said...

Yr doing the right thing even if it's causing you pain.

Emmy said...

Hugs to you!
Doing the right thing hurts sometimes.
As my dad would say, love the person, hate the behavior. It's all you can do.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I am sorry for your pain. I can only hope and pray that your friend can overcome their addiction.

A big hug to you Ashly.

sarahbear said...

*hugs* My brother-in-law is an addict. His drug of choice is oxycontin. He's an amazing guy when he's sober, but he's so different when he's high. Untolerable. I know that pain. Of wanting to help and not being able to. There's nothing that can really comfort you because you feel so helpless. I'm sorry anyone has to go through it.

Anonymous said...

My best friend of 22 years is NOW a sober addict. She's got a little over 2 years clean.

In the last 10 years, she and I have been separated by her addiction no less than 10 times, each for no less than 5 months at a time. Once we didn't speak for 2 years. She missed my wedding & the birth of my first child.

Today she is the same friend I had in middle school - with more knowledge and a better head on her shoulders. I get to see her quite often. In fact, our children call each other "cousins."

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You may never get your friend back - but if you consider that, you must also consider that one day he will be back and better than ever.

Stealth said...

I'm sorry about your situation ((hugs))

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Tough love, love from afar. Necessary, but oh so difficult.

As you know, my boyfriend is a heroin addict and I work with addicts for a living, so I know the pain all too well. I'm sorry, and I know how difficult it is.