Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Monogamy VS Non-monogamy...

Monogamy vs non-monogamy is something I don't like to discuss but I found myself having a conversation about it yesterday.

Most people that are for monogamy don't often think non-monogamy in it's many forms work at all. They could be against it for religious reasons, moral reasons, or any number of other reasons. Monogamy works for them. You should be with one person in a relationship and only that one person through the duration of the relationship. Multiple partners? Swinging? A husband and a boyfriend? Nope, that can't work. Human relationships are too complex when it's just two people. Adding more to the mix? Disaster. Of course, there will be jealousy. Feelings will be hurt. It just doesn't work.

Most people that are for a form of non-monogamy don't often think monogamy works. It doesn't work for them. It doesn't work for so many people they know. Humans just aren't meant to be with only one person. It's biological even! It just doesn't make sense to stay with one person. Having a wife and a girlfriend works just fine for us. My husband and I going to swinger events and finding mates to play with is great for us. There are so many different ways to do non-monogamy and it's not wrong, not at all. It's not weird and there's nothing wrong and it does work. Monogamy is so outdated. Monogamy doesn't work. If you want to be "stuck" in a relationship with one person and only that person? You must be kidding yourself.

I get so sick of people for monogamy going on about how it's the way to go. The only way to go.

I get so sick of people for any form of non-monogamy going on about how well it works for them and thus if you would just try it then hey, it'll work for you too!

My own take on it? Monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. Non-monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. You and your partner have to figure out what works best for both of you. Discuss it openly and honestly and respect the feelings and opinions of your partner. If non-monogamy is something you really want while your partner is dead set on being monogamous? Maybe the relationship needs to be re-evaluated.

I get why people feel a need to defend their choice. Especially if they feel like they're being attacked by it. Turning around and trying to prove to someone why they're wrong and you're right? Doesn't help.

Why can't both sides understand and accept that neither way is the right way or the wrong way? There isn't a way that is right for every single person. It's about what works best for you and just because something works well for you and 159 other people you know doesn't mean it works for the rest of the world.

"It really gets under my skin when someone is convinced their single experience is tantamount to the entire topic, period." (Thank you, Tragic. ;D)

Happy Wednesday.

P.S. I'm not saying that every person who has ever had this discussion, wrote a post on it, etc handles it in such a narrow minded manner as "this is wrong, I am right" but it is handled in such a way by a huge percentage. On both sides.

12 comments:

Sarah said...

I totally agree. And I've gotten a bit tired of hearing those absolutes, too. Great post :)

K & J said...

Great Post! I will admit I'm more "Non-monogamy", but I think everything you said makes perfect sense.

~Jess~

Lady Tragic said...

Good points, and I agree. I'm not for or against any type of relationship.. The only real issues that come up when I consider all of the options are honesty and time management, all parties must be aware of the situation and in agreement as to exactly what the ground rules or limits were and if either of us had a secondary relationship: one of my serious concerns would be how it would affect the family unit as a whole.

BTExpress said...

I agree too. I've known people in all types of relationships through my blog. As long as the people are honest with each other about their needs and wants, anything can work out.

Osbasso said...

Is there a category for no-nagamy?

f1trey said...

the world is a pretty big place....social standards everywhere are different! Yeah!

Lisa Subrosa said...

I wrote a short paragraph about this issue a while back. I think I posted it to Tumblr? Yes it was, here's the link.

What prompted me to write that was a polyamorous friend of mine wrote this blog post saying that my lifestyle is unnatural and all monogamous people are insecure, controlling prisoners, confined by a perceived social norm and simply haven't evolved. No doubt there is a small percentage of the population for whom that is true - the human race is a diverse, complex bunch. But that isn't true for me. I don't want to be in a relationship with more than one man and I don't want to have affairs either. It's important to me to have a partner who feels the same way. That's just the way it is. How can anybody decide what is natural for another person?

I question people who need to believe that everybody is really like them underneath in order to be OK with their lifestyle. If you don't have a live and let live attitude, you have issues that need to be dealt with. Seriously.

I think whatever works for you is just right. People just need to be honest with themselves about what they desire and what they are capable of and be honest with their partners. If you're already in a relationship and one of you wants to see other people and the other wants exclusivity, you are doomed. May as well just end it now.

Hubman said...

"My own take on it? Monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. Non-monogamy works.... for some people. It doesn't work for other people. You and your partner have to figure out what works best for both of you. Discuss it openly and honestly and respect the feelings and opinions of your partner."

Perfect!

Maggie said...

Yes! I've also come across many people who think their entire way of "doing" their relationship is the only right way and you can't possibly be happy if you're not doing it their way. Yuck.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I personally believe that you should practice whatever works best for you and your partner. However you should not try to impose your views of either on other people.

Steel Horseman said...

What happens when an unstoppable force collides with an immovable object?

Or in this case. What happens when someone who is naturally non-monogamous falls in love someone who is naturally monogamous?

It seems I am in a situation I need to explore and understand.

Mistress L said...

Yeah, I try to be one of those people who can happily accept both parties' sides. To each their own ^_^