Friday, July 16, 2010

Kinky or not? It's a perspective thing..

I am going to bitch about something today. I don't normally bitch about stuff that goes on around the internet because honestly, I couldn't care less most of the time. I hate drama in real life and online bullshit isn't any different other than it's people I don't really know and all words on a computer screen. I'm not attacking anyone in particular here, just trying to make a point. And the one example I use is from a comment off of a post a friend of mine wrote and someone had something bitchy to say. I already got into it with the person who said it. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels , blah blah blah. That comment, on top of other comments on blogs I like plus other stuff I've seen inspired this post.

I have noticed something over a period of several months that annoys me. When sex bloggers or people involved in kink or bdsm make fun of something that they don't find kinky when someone else does.

Example:

"hahaha omg uh yeah getting ur hands tied w a scarf isnt kinky. at all. why dont u try something actually kinky and then come back and try to talk kink"

Okay, so to someone who's versed in kink, fetishes, BDSM or anything like that; it is nothing.

To someone who's done this before, long ago, and has since advanced on to kinkier, naughtier things; it's is nothing.

To the person saying it? They clearly found it kinky and there's absolutely no reason at all to make fun of them publicly for it. None what so ever. Other than to be a cunty bitch.
This goes beyond the one example I gave because there have been more instances than just that one. I don't see the need to list a bunch of examples because you get the idea. Great, you feel superior and you're way beyond finding being bound with a silk scarf kinky. Good for fucking you. That doesn't mean someone just starting out venturing into kinkier things should be made to feel like an idiot newb just because you don't find their kink kinky.

Being bound with a scarf, being gagged by a tie, ice on a private area, on and on with stuff you would probably see in Cosmo magazine teaching people how to up the heat in bedroom with something new? All of it sounds ridiculous and stupid to someone who owns thigh harnesses, spreader bars, nipple clamps that could peel an apple and an assortment of other toys. Guess what? PLENTY OF PEOPLE find those tips helpful.

I think the problem is with the people poking fun at people is that they spend so much time online associating with people who have similar interests that they forget or don't realize the kink world they're living in isn't the same one every one else is in. Just because you know/associate a lot of people that would find being bound with a scarf silly and amateur-ish doesn't mean that someone else (or 1,000 someone else's) isn't going to find it kinky.

I have a friend who recently found out I review sex toys once in a while and she was shocked by it because she's never even owned one let alone a drawer full of them. She's never even been in a toy store or visited a toy store online. Does that mean I should laugh at her and make her feel bad about that? No. Not everyone likes toys. Not everyone is comfortable trying new things like that. Even if new things counts as a simple, discreet vibrator which seems like no big deal to a lot of people out there in sex blogger land.

My point is, by being around it so much and it being such a big part of life for some people, they don't realize (or maybe they do and just don't care) that not everyone is going to be the same way. Not everyone plays with toys, not everyone watches porn, not everyone has gone to a sex convention and been tied up by a professional with rope. It's fine and dandy if that's what you're into and what you want to do. It's fine if kink, fetish, etc is a big part of your life. It's not fine to make fun of other people who are just venturing into trying new things. It's not fine to make fun of people who only want to try simple things and find them kinky.

I see these two words getting thrown around a lot. You know what I mean? Did you guess "sex positivity" as the two words? If you did, you got it right. How is poking fun of someone be it to their face, with flippant rude ass comments you know they'll see or snarky passive-aggressive statements the least bit sex positive? It's not. At all. You can think it's pitiful all you want. You want to laugh and make jokes? Fine, do it to whatever friends you talk to about that stuff. There's no need to be that kind of bitch just because some one's not as advanced as you in their turn-ons, fetishes, etc. Grow up a little.

What makes me really shake my head is that some of the people I see poking fun at people for what they find kinky are some of the ones who claim the most to be so very sex positive. Maybe I have it wrong and if so, leave me alone because I'll continue to think of it this way but, being sex positive shouldn't mean picking and choosing what you're positive about and making people feel bad about the rest. You can think it's silly all day long but really, there's no reason to make fun of someone just because of that.

Happy Friday!

Comments, anyone?

33 comments:

Resident Ranter said...

I agree totally with your blog today. I took a Human Sexuality course in college a number of years ago and quickly realized that in today's society when it comes to sex, kink or even what is considered "normal sex" is all in the eyes of the individual. Who are we to decide if what another person prefers during sex isn't "normal" or "kinky" to them? You are bang on with your blog. I am happy that there are people out there like yourself that have the ability to differentiate and not judge others because of a different view or preference when it comes to sex.

Alexa said...

To the person saying it? They clearly found it kinky and there's absolutely no reason at all to make fun of them publicly for it.

I absolutely agree with you 110%. Every one of us has to start somewhere, and making fun or making light of someone else's beginnings is not only NOT sex positive, it can be discouraging to those who might be on the bubble about trying something new.

Live and let live.

Janie said...

I can't really add much. I know I have been guilty of being a bit mean (only in my head, mind you) about people's professions of how kinky they are and I am trying not to be that way. Granted it's often because they're showing off/being arrogant about it and putting themselves in a superior position, but it:s still important to respect everyone's sexualities and points of view. Great post!

xoxox

Charlene said...

The only reason it's drama is because the participants care.

It's like debating the placement of a fork next to a plate.

Poindexter said...

I'm in complete agreement too. Maybe in the larger sense - not just about a single topic. But comments on any blog that are in mean spirited disagreement are just plain rude. I think it is ok to add a comment that distinguishes another point of view, just not at the expense of someone else's opinion. Don't know if that makes much sense.

sarahbear said...

Hell. Yes.

I just wrote something about this on Eden Cafe. A lot of people said they've never seen anyone use 'vanilla' in a derogatory way, but I've seen it several times from some of the bloggers who toot their own 'sex positive' horn so frequently and loudly. I'm certainly glad that you noticed it and that you said something about it.

Magazines like Cosmo are designed for the general public, who doesn't necessarily participate in BDSM and kink conventions. The tips in there are generic. And, even if the silk scarf is the beginning AND end of their kinky journey, there isn't anything wrong with it. It takes all kinds.

Kitten said...

As someone who identifies as a slave within BDSM, I do agree, to a certain extent.

There are those who are very serious about their kink, like me, and thrive on education and helping people find what makes them them. What makes them happy.

Those people look at the people you mentioned in your entry as fakes in a way.

There are people who are kinky just to say they're kinky. A lot of pros that just do it for the money. Performers who do it for the attention. There are those that found "vanilla" or regular rough sex so boring that they needed to up the ante just for their own sex drive.

And then there are Sylvanus and Mina. There's Bad Bad Girl and Coyote. These are people who are kinky, yet are so human about their kink.

I truly believe that when you embrace BDSM, it brings out the human in you. Not all of it is bondage. Not all of it is beating the shit out of each other. For me, right now, it's catharsis. It's about overcoming my fear and becoming closer to my fiance, my Master.

Mocking someone's birth into kink is not only wrong, I, personally, consider it inhumane and sets their own personal growth back, as well as chokes the personal growth of the person they attacked. No one wins. If anything, those who are well versed should be applauding someone's birth. Offering tips and support, because, at times, it can be truly scary. It took me years to accept that I'm different from a lot of people. I like my sex a different way than some, and that's okay.

Kink cliche time: "Your kink may not be my kink, but that's okay!"

Kudos to you for standing up for those who are finding their own light.

Naughty Nikki said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have a new boyfriend (who is becoming my Master) and I am learning about the "lifestyle." Previously, I would have considered some things kinky, but now I am getting used to them. Still, I would not taunt or make fun of someone else who may have different views of any sexual act. Your point is well-taken and well-stated.


XOXOXOXOXOX

rayne said...

You're probably not talking about my "silk scarf and light spankings" comment in my post about the word "vanilla", but just in case... I wasn't making fun of anyone with it. :)

I occasionally jokingly poke fun at my friends, who know I'm a pretty extreme masochist, when they tell me about their much lighter sexcapades, but it's always in good fun, never in a "I'm kinkier/better than you." tone.

I agree that it's crap to claim to be "sex-positive" and "tolerant", and then haughtily make fun of someone who doesn't share your kink.

KendallJaye said...

***This message has been approved by KendallJaye Collard.***

:D

-KJC

Ashly Star said...

Resident Ranter:
Exactly! It's in the eyes of the individual. :) Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it.


Alexa:
Exactly! I meant to point out in my post how it can be discouraging to someone who might be afraid to try more but I got so busy ranting I think I forgot to do that. Thank you for mentioning it here, though. :)


Janie:
I think everyone can be a bit mean in their head about things, especially when one is trying to show off or brag about what they're doing. The difference is leaving it only in your head vs attacking that person for it. :) It's important to be respectful and not just be an asshat for whatever reasons you feel like being an asshat for. (Also, totally not calling you an asshat, lol.) You can nicely disagree with people and tell someone their kinky isn't your kinky without being a jackass cunt about it. :)


Charlene:
That and it's hard for a personal attack to not turn into drama when it's one person against several others being assholes about something. I like the fork/plate placement point, though. :)


Poindexter:
I agree. What you said makes sense. You can disagree and make a point that differs from what the person writing believes without being rude, condescending, mean, etc. There's a mature, respectful way to disagree with things and get your point across. There's no need to be snide, bitchy, etc or make fun of anyone just because your view differs. :)


sarahbear:
I'll have to check that out. I quite honestly don't often read anything that gets posted on EC aymore, as a general rule. :)
Exactly! :)


Kitten:
I agree, mocking someone's birth into kink (as you put it) can choke their personal growth. It can be put them, discourage them from trying anything else or even doing the same thing again. It's silly and not the way to go, especially from people claiming to want to be pro-active and help make it a less taboo thing for people to look at.
Thank you, very much, for your comment. I really appreciate it.


Naughty Nikki:
Cool. I hope you have fun exploring and trying new things with your new boyfriend/soon to be Master. Thank you for your comment! :)


KendallJaye:
Glad to see that! Lol. Thanks. ;)


rayne:
No, no, no... I wasn't talking about you. I would have commented and said something had I been using this in relation to something you had said.
I have no problem with people who joke around with friends because their friends likely know no harm is meant by it and they probably poke fun right back at you. I don't have a problem with someone disagreeing or thinking negatively about something but there's a way to go about getting your point across without attacking, without being a cunt, without beaing mean spirited about it. Joking around with friends is much different than outright being a bitch, making fun of, or acting superior to someone just because you can. :) And thanks for your comment.

Carrie Ann said...

I could so rant and rave in agreement with you but I'll just say... AMEN! instead. :)

Bella said...

Bravo! Kink is relative. Like art is relative.

Anonymous said...

A-FUCKING-MEN.

I agree with you. No need to be a snotty bitch. It's most def not sex positive to act that way. Kudos on the post! :D

Ashly Star said...

CarrieAnn, Bella & Anonymous:
Exactly! :) Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Thanks, y'all!

Anonymous said...

I AGREE! JUST BC I FIND POPSICLES INSERTED INTO WARM PLACES TO BE KINKY AND THAT SEEMS "TEENAGERISH" SO SOME PEOPLE DONT MEAN ITS NOT KINKY FOR ME. RIGHT ON!!!

Sorry for the caps there lol. I agree w you on this so much bc really its about being respectful and understanding not everyone is on the same level and not everone will be into the more hardcore stuff. Bindfolds and scarf restraints are def kinky to some people and so what if they never get into harder or rougher stuff? Doesnt mean theyre any less kinky just not on the same level. No need to be rude or presumptuous about it at all!!

--Holly--

Emmy said...

Such a great post!
I have personally started "unfollowing" those who claim to be "sex positive" but who end up being "sex snarky". I am all for snark. But when it is in response to someone's exploration sexually, then it has no place - it is just mean.

God, I think I could write my own whole rant on this one - and it would sound very similar to your's!

RenaeB said...

Your blog could apply to so much. People just need to learn how to not be rude and realize that everyone is different. Its sad that some people get some sort of thrill by putting people down. People aren't stepping stones for you to use to reach your "happiness". Eventually everyone gets theirs!!

Another Suburban Mom said...

I agree with what you have said. There is no need to be bitchy and pick on other people. Exploring your sexuality and pushing the envelope means different things to different people.

I know to some people my sex life is kinky and wild and to others its as bland as oatmeal and vanilla pudding.

Femenina Deliciosa said...

Amen. This post pretty sums up my feelings on the subject. Well done dear!

mina said...

I agree with what you have said here. In my own personal experience, when i have opened up to people and told them that my husband and I run on the kinkier side of things, the very first thing they usually ask is, "So do you guys use toys?" And it wasn't just one person. This made me chuckle. For me, using toys is not kinky at all. Having my husband use a vibrator on me is not kinky in my book but it's interesting to see it is considered kinky in theirs. They have no idea how much fun they are missing out on if playing with adult toys is considered kinky!

Suzanne said...

You know, I've been noticing some people who are more into BDSM being condescending or holier than thou more lately. They use the term "vanilla" as almost derogitory. Maybe they think that because they enjoy being contorted & tied w/ rope while being slapped w/ a fish or they r the one that enjoys doing that to someone that they are somehow more enlightened or advanced.
I agree w/ u. It is matter of perspective & everyone's is valid. I would think that those who are "more enlightened" would encourage those trying new things. There are a lot who do. They share their experience & knowledge to help others discover new things. I follow sex positive people on Twitter. But every now & then a bad one slips through. Those r the ones that need to remember that they probably started out w/ a silk scarf once.
I always say u can always put toppings on vanilla.

Ginger said...

"They have no idea how much fun they are missing out on if playing with adult toys is considered kinky!"

Mina, that is exactly the kind of thing I think she is talking about here. SO WHAT if playing with toys is kinky to them or the most kinky thing they ever do? Not everyone WANTS to do bondage. Not everyone WANTS to have an open marriage and date or fuck other people. Not everyone WANTS to do what so many of you in the kink/bdsm blogosphere do. A lot of what people do will seem sad in comparison to things you have tried or would be willing to try but SO WHAT? To each their own. It's isn't your place to judge or "feel sorry" for them if they're "missing out" on kinkier things. Just because you find something appealing doesn't mean everyone else will.

I know you probably will not see my comment but I had to throw that out there anyway.

Mizz Minx Thing said...

I totally agree with everything you said here. I read this the day it was posted on my phone but haven't had time to come comment until now my dearie.

As much as I don't want/almost hate to admit this because I rarely agree with any comment I see her make... I agree with what Ginger said too.

Also I really enjoyed Kitten's comment as well. Found it quite insightful.

Great post Ashly. I enjoy that you can articulate things without being insulting to anyone. I like that you can get your points across without dragging people thru the mud. Rock on mama. <3

Mina said...

Ginger,

You totally misread my comment. I am in agreement with the post. I was merely saying how interesting all the levels of sexuality are in this world. I was not making fun of anyone or insulting anyone. It was just amusing to me. That's it. My level is different than theirs and I was giving an example for the sake of giving an example. I was not saying they are wrong. Everyone has a right to their own pleasures in life. I do not judge.

Thank you very much.

Erik said...

Ginger I think you missed Mina's point entirely. Or you were looking for a place to start some trouble. Either way she isn't being critical or judgmental IMO. She was just pointing out an amusing difference that she found funny which isn't derogatory or insulting at all.

Ahem.

Great post Ashly. I whole heartedly agree with you.

Mina said...

Ginger,

I had to come back and add a few more thoughts.

First, I want to say that I agree with your comment. What you wrote is what I would say to anyone who hatefully disagreed with the way someone chooses to live their lives. It's how I live my own. I DON'T expect people to live their lives and enjoy the things that we do. If I did, I'd be pushing people to try all the things we do, but I don't. I'm smarter than that. Opening up your marriage has a lot of consequences. It's not for everyone and people who come to us for advice get good advice. I don't simply tell them "finally! Now go out and fuck". I have had people come to me and tell me their most darkest deepests kinks. Some of it does not appeal to me. Do I think they are wrong? No! If it pleases them and they enjoy it and they aren't hurting anyone else in the process, who am I to judge and tell them no? Everyone deserves to be happy in what ever way they can. I had a friend open up and share a dark kink to me. After he asked me if I thought he was messed up. I said no. I told him I wasn't into it, but that doesn't make him sick. I'm the least judgmental person out there who really believes to each their own. I have opinions and disagreements, yes, but in the end it's THEIR lives and they are entitled to do whatever they wish.

It sucks that your comment had to go so far and point me out as judgmental when that wasn't what was meant at all. Like I said in my last comment, I was giving an example of what I've encountered. No hate or making fun was intended. And the missing out part was said in fun not seriousness. Perhaps I should have ended that sentence with a smiley face emoticon.

You took my comment and dug wrongfully between the lines. Which is fine because it was a misunderstanding and hopefully my follow up comments clarify how I feel. The only thing I don't appreciate is you quoting me for something I did not say. I never said I "feel sorry" for anyone. No where in my comment did I say that.

Southern Sage said...

Well I surely can't add anything. I did not realize though that some people or group of people owned the term or the definition of kink?! I guess I should ask them before describing something as kinky.

Excellent post, perfectly stated.

Ginger said...

Mina,

I obviously struck a nerve and offended you and for that I will now apologize because of your most recent comment. I dug wrongfully between the lines because taking only your words at their face value, that is what you seemed to be implying and the way you said it did leave one to believe what I said. I shouldn't have added the "feel sorry" part but it's the tone I got at that last sentence. I apologize for that.

Thank you for clarifying yourself because I do actually read your blog and I was rather disappointed to see such a comment from you! I better understand what you meant now.

I suppose it irked me on a semi personal level because I found blindfolds and using toys with my partner to be quite exciting and kinky. I'm not honestly interested in a lot of different things, I like to keep it simple and most things I can find interesting but not actually be interested in ever trying them.

Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding and thank you again for clarifying!

mina said...

Ginger,

I'm glad we got that mess figured out.

We all start out our "kink" from somewhere. I too once was a girl who started with hand cuffs and blindfolds. I just decided I wanted to keep taking it farther while others are happy just staying with the blindfolds.

And in my book.. that is A OK. *smile*

xo mina

London Escorts Agency said...

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Kitty Pride said...

So true! I have known many people who will put someone down for their unique preferences, then turn around and do something far more offbeat and 'bizarre'.

Naughty Girl Guide said...

Thank you for sharing! I will also share this to my stuff!