Monday, April 5, 2010

Silence & sincerity..

Silence is better than insincerity.

This is something I find myself saying at times when I'm opening up to a friend about something. Usually when they're apologizing for not knowing what to say in response to something I have said. I would rather someone honestly tell me they have nothing to say than to tell me something they don't really mean. When I vent to people, I don't want them to coddle me. I don't want them to lie to me and make me feel better. I only have a handful of people I vent to and honestly, it's because they never sugarcoat, coddle, judge, lie to spare my feelings, lie to make me feel better or do any crap like that. I also trust those people that I vent to implicitly. I don't trust easily and I don't open up to that many people but that's another monster for another day.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About myself, the way I feel about various things, etc. A lot of things about thoughts and feelings I have. Some new, some recent and some that I stifled and never dealt with a long time ago. Mostly, it's stuff that I've stuffed down and ignored from years ago. I figured I was passed a lot of those things but really, I had just ignored them well enough. In working on myself to become a better person in recent months, I realized I have so much shit I need to deal with. Things that I thought didn't bother me anymore. I realized I had done such a good job at hiding everything from other people that I'd ended up mistaking that as having certain issues resolved. How silly of me, eh?

I had a long talk with Fangs last night and I love him for always being straight with me. I vented about some things that he's never had to deal with and he had no clue what to say. He said as much, too. His words? "I'm sorry, I wish I had something helpful to say but I just don't know what to say. I won't lie and pretend I understand because I know I don't and I won't lie and give you some cliche insincere bullshit either."

That is what I love about him. I'd rather be told that than have someone pour out a bunch of cliche bullshit that is anything but sincere. It's not helpful at all either because I know insincere bullshit when I hear it.

Which is also something I love about my boyfriend. He might not always know what to say but he never lies to me, never sugarcoats things for me. Sometimes, he (along with those friends I vent to) say things that sting, say things that I don't always want to hear and say things that sometimes piss me off. I love them for that though because those things are generally things I need to hear. They're not mean or petty about anything. They just tell me the truth and tell me things I need to hear. They never back away from saying something to me for fear that it will piss me off. Even when they know it will piss me off. As Fangs says, he'd rather me be mad at him for a few hours over keeping his mouth shut when he shouldn't have.
And if they don't know what to say, they don't say anything. They never pretend to understand when they don't. I don't always respond well but I appreciate and love them for doing things the way they do.

I'd rather have someone be honest with me, even if it means I open up about something and they have nothing more than a hug and a shoulder in exchange. Having a boyfriend and some close friends that are like that in my life helps me so much.


Emmy said...

I appreciate how well you know yourself and those around you to be good with their feedback (or even lack there of). I like how those around you are not going to simply pay lip service to you by telling you what you want to hear versus what you need to hear. So often people surround themselves with those who will stroke their egos first, and rarely tell the truth. Then when the truth is spoken, it is assumed the person speaking it is coming from a negative place versus one of caring. And often, the truth is what they need especially as someone is grappling with things in their life that are not easy. I'm glad you have the sincerity of your friends and boy friend to be there for you.

13messages said...

I like his philosophy. It's one thing to have "cheerleaders" around who just say nice things, but that rarely helps out in the long run. You've got a great friend in him.

Another Suburban Mom said...

This was great. Sometimes when you have nothing to say, you can feel inadequate and just spout off stuff so you feel like you are doing something.

Thanks for the reminder that sometimes, saying nothing is really the best idea.

Joker_SATX said...

Those are really good qualities in friends and relationships. Those are the ones you want to keep.

Good for you for having them. Sometimes I wish I did...

Bad Bad Girl said...

I have found that I have have different friends for all occasions. I have ones who will give me the "no bullshit" answer, ones who will deliver their truth with a side of cream, ones who will just listen when I need it, and ones who will, upon request, just agree with my silly outlooks. It's important to not only have people who will give you what you need, but knowing yourself well enough to know what it is that you need.