Friday, April 23, 2010

On substance abuse.

(248): We aren’t going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
(440): I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
(248): Playoffs. This shit is serious.

That is probably the most awesome thing I've ever seen on Texts From Last Night. It's so awesome that even though I already posted it on my Tumblr page, I had to post it here too. Of course, I'm biased in my reasoning for finding that to be the most awesome thing ever. Seriously, I can only read so many texts about people laughing about how awesome doing weed and coke are or how they cleverly hid their drugs. I don't find those things amusing, generally. I guess I don't see the humor in it anymore. Some people use for recreation. Granted, I didn't use in a recreational once in a while type of way. I used in a I've smoked weed 7 times tonight and also drank and taken some pills kind of way or a I've done several lines of coke and now I'm going to smoke a blunt kind of way. I used as an escape. It makes me sad seeing all those tweets about drugs because it makes me wonder if they're doing it to have fun and relax a little or doing it to escape. And really, doing it for fun and recreation isn't much better.

One of my formerly closest friends has struggled with substance abuse since since I met him. I was 17 when I met him. We used to talk every day. Then we talked a few times a week. Then we didn't talk much at all for a while. Then, he had some stuff go on with his mom and he was upset and sent me a text one night asking if we could talk. We did and we went back to talking regularly again. Sadly, we hardly talk anymore because he's always high on coke and other drugs. It got worse after he went through the death of his father. I think that was the worst it had ever been and I felt miserable because I couldn't do anything to make it better for him.

I know why he uses and he does it to escape from everything that bothers him. To feel better. To make life seem better. He admits that's why he uses. I wish he'd stop. The last time he called me was recent. He wanted to say hi, tell me he missed me and see how I was doing. We talked a bit and then I asked him if he was still clean because three months ago when I heard from him last, he had been. He said he only stayed clean a month. I bitched at him, hard. He listened to it all and then told me he always appreciated how honest I was and how lucky he felt to have me. We talked a bit more. Then, he asked me if I was still friends with such and such because he wanted to get an eight ball for him and some people to get fucked up on. I told him I didn't hang out or even talk to coke dealer anymore and didn't talk to any other drug dealers. It took me a while but I let go of all my relationships that involved people who used drugs daily or sold them. It wasn't good for me to be around that because at the time, I was incredibly tempted to jump back into it just to have that escape from reality.

My friend and I talked for a while longer. He told me he was looking for a job again after getting fired from a restaurant he was waiting tables at. Again. He got fired from the last one for doing coke in the bathroom during a shift. He got fired at this one because he got caught buying while at work. I laughed but not because anything was funny. He didn't laugh because he knew I wasn't amused. He's so smart and so good at so many things. It's disappointing but not as much as it used to be. I didn't bitch at him again after he told me that. He asked me why I wasn't yelling at him. I told him it would be wasting my breath because he wouldn't listen anyway. He didn't say anything for a full minute. Then he asked if I was giving up on him too. I didn't say anything for a while. When I did, I told him he made it really hard to care about him when he so clearly didn't care about anyone or anything, including himself. I told him I understood now how hard it must have been for the sober friends I had had at the time when I was really into drugs. I told him I understood why some of them said to hell with me. I understood how hard it was to care about a self-destructive person, because it's so hard and you don't get much (if anything) out of it. You get a lot of frustration and heartache out of it, that's for sure. I told him I wish that someone would have stepped in and helped me sooner because in the end, I helped myself because I was afraid I'd die if I didn't stop. Which is no one's fault. I honestly don't think other people in my life knew how much I used so they probably didn't think it was bad enough to step in. I also think most of them thought I was only smoking weed, which wasn't the case. So I don't have any resentment towards any one for not stepping in and shaking me by the shoulders because I don't think anyone knew except for the people I partied with. And they obviously wouldn't have said anything because most of them used as much if not more than I did.

I asked him if he realized how lucky he was to have not just one but several people trying to help him. He didn't say anything and then started crying. I didn't say anything and he said he was sorry once he was done crying. I asked for what. He said for everything. I asked him to define everything. And he did. And started crying again, speaking and apologizing through soft sobs. I told him if he ever wanted help getting clean, to please call me because he has to want it. You can't help anyone who doesn't want help or realize they need it. He made me promise I'd answer when that day came. I made him promise that day would come. We hung up after making our promises and I felt empty because I don't think that day will ever come.

Leave a comment?


Mizz Minx Thing said...

I know you have been trying to write this for a couple of weeks now. Good for you for being able to get it out. ((hugs))

I am glad you know how hard it is to help someone who will not help themselves. I know you know this as you've told me so a million and two times before.

It's good you don't harbor resentment towards those who didn't know enough to step in and shake sense into you. It isn't there fault you hid it from them but I am glad you stopped abusing drugs. You know I have experience and it took me twice through rehab before I could leave the pills alone. It is hard and I admire you dear.

I hope that day comes for your friend, where he wants help and wants to get well. I hope you are still there for him when that day comes. I also hope that you never get a phone call telling you he finally lost his battle with substance abuse.

I have to say again, I am proud of you for how you handle this situation. I know how hard it is to watch someone you care so deeply for that you've cared deeply for for so long tear themselves apart. ((hugs)) If you want to talk, you know where to find me.

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Writing this must have been so hard for you.

I had a good friend die last night of an overdose.

I'm also someone that recreationally uses drugs. There are those that can use recreationally, and those that can't.

I have good friends that started out using as I did. Casually, when drinking. Now, we're on very different levels. It's hard to tell someone you worry about them when you do the same drugs they do, though there's a difference between 3 grams in 2 days and 1 in a week.

The thing is, you can't save anyone. The ones that we lost to the disease have to want to save themseleves. We can love them, and support them, but we can't save them. And that hurts.

Kara & Jessica said...

I'm glad you were able to write this post. I had a substance & alcohol abuse problem for three years. It took my first girlfriend (Sarah)passing away of an overdose to get myself cleaned up. I wish we had someone like you that would have stepped in and said something to us back then. However no one did and I watched Sarah die. Sometimes it takes something tragic like this to smack us in the face and show us we need to get our act together. Thankfully I did and I'm in a much better place today.
Thanks for sharing this.


viemoira said...

I wish I had a friend like you who was honest and blunt back when I was dealing with addictions. Sharing struggles that have been overcome gives others hope and reassurance that they too can experience happiness without having an escape mechanism or self medicating.

Snow Queen said...

Speaking personally as a druggie...I wouldn't even try trying to help someone who does not wish to help themselves, it will end in frustration and a losing battle.

I am unusual to the extent I say that I take drugs simply because I like them, and I don't want to stop...we all get our kicks differently. Now I've had a rough time lately, and sure it is connected with all that, but we all have ups and downs...using just makes them more extreme. The way I see it...if someone wants to stop, they will, with or without anyone's help somehow. If they won't they won't, they can delude themselves or others as much as they like. I don't engage in denial etc...The truth is with some people that whether or not they can use recreationally depends on their mental state, sometimes I can sometimes I can't.

KendallJaye said...

Kudos for such an honest and open story! It seems silly, me commenting, because I've never even taken a drag from a cigarette. (Virgin lungs?) But your experience lends you more credibility to help a friend.
I buried a friend last December who wasted away due to alcohol. He was 35 and barely 100lb. I wish he had someone like you, because I got met with the "You don't know anything about it" arguement. Which is true. So I never really knew how to connect with him in order to get him to see how badly he was hurting himself.
So thank the stars for friends like you. :)

The Panserbjørne said...

This must have been hellish to write. I applaud your candor and thank you for sharing it with us.

-- PB

Kim said...

kinda funny the vadgewig cokehead feels she can weigh in on this. your last paragraph? dont you seen people feel that way about YOU? but thats right, you cant save everyone. good grief.

and snow queen? not even touching that. your comment speaks volumes and does a lot to speak of the denial you say you're not in.

very moving post. thank you for sharing it. as others have stated, it must have been difficult and emotionally taxing for you to share this. specifically in such a very open manner. kudos to you for sharing and getting this out there. maybe someone will reach out and get help or perhaps someone will reach out and try to help someone because of it.

Emmy said...

Thank you for this extremely honest post! I think whether it is alcohol or drugs - at the end of the day those who get help want help. I think you did the right thing with your friend. I hope he does ask for help sometime. I suspect you will be the one he asks it from when the time is right because you didn't yell - and you talked to him. You spoke honestly from your own experience. And that makes a huge difference.


Another Suburban Mom said...

I am glad you were able to get this out. I also pray that your friend finds the strength get the help he needs before he kills himself.

Hugs for you!

Anonymous said...

keep sharing with us, please....I will waiting your up date everyday!! Have a nice and relax day! ..................................................

Bruce said...

There is a fine line between helping and enabling. That much I have learned in life. You were right in how this ended. If never calls, it isn't your fault. You did what you were supposed to. We can't save every cute puppy at the pound. Sometimes life is learning when to let go and hope for the best.

Drugs don't let you grow as a person. Used to smoke way too much dope in college. For what ever reason, I just grew away from it. I suppose I didn't need the escape anymore. Recently I did some with friends and found I didn't like it that much anymore. The high was still great, but my brain works differently now and I found it frustrating how it prevented me from accomplishing the stuff I had to do around me. Ergo, I had grown up, past the need for drugs.