Friday, October 2, 2009

Feel your boobs.

I've been a horrible blogger lately. Life happens though. Things have been kind of hectic. There's a lot going on that I haven't posted about. I'm sure I'll get to it.

It's October already. Which means... National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Feel your boobies.

I normally don't post anything about Breast Cancer Awareness. Though it's a cause I care a lot about I am more of a silent supporter usually. Though recently, due to personal reasons, it's become more important to me so I'm going to get more vocal about it. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll get to that subject though. When I can bring myself to write about it without crying.

Though, I was watching a program the other day that had a lot of breast cancer survivors on. It was so touching to see so many survivors. It also made me sad because I know there are also so many women who don't and so many who won't survive. Which I knew already honestly but it becomes different when it's someone you know, someone you love, who is suffering and won't be making it through. It's sad when you think of all the people you've never met that didn't survive but it doesn't hit you like it does when it's someone you know.

Ah well, I already started, so lets just go. I've talked before about my grandparents. How much they mean to me and how much I love them. Talked about how much time I spent with them growing up. How many amazing memories I have with them. And yes, I do know how lucky I am that I got to know them as I did. I do know how lucky I am that I had the chance to have so many good times with them. I know I'm lucky to that I got to have them around so much growing up. I know, I'm lucky that I've had everything I have had and still have with them. I know that but hearing it isn't comforting when I know that they won't be here much longer because their illnesses are becoming more than they can fight. They're old and they just don't have it in them to keep fighting either. A part of me wants to see them pass because I know when they do, they won't be in pain anymore. No more doctors, medicines, treatments and other crap. Then there is the selfish part of me that hates the thought of them not being around anymore. The part of me that wants to hold on and keep them around forever. That part of me makes watching this so hard. I wish I could fix it but I know there is nothing that I can do. Other than making sure they know I love them and getting what time I have left with them in.

They both have cancer, they both have other ailments. My grandfather has cancer, other ailments and he's had two strokes in the less than two weeks. They aren't his first and second, he's had several before. In the last year, I've watched his illnesses take hold of him and watched things go. His vision. His hearing. His speech. His ability to move around. Last time I visited, I watched him use his cane and take three steps at a time before stopping because that's all he could do. I watched him stop to lean against the wall. I watched him almost fall over several times. I watched him take 2 minutes to walk down a hall that takes no more than 5 seconds for most anyone else. I wanted to help but I knew I couldn't. I offered to help, he said no. I knew he would.

My grandmother has some ailments. I say ailments and I don't list much because mostly, this is personal. It's also hard for me to write about so keeping it short and to the bare minimum helps. She also has breast cancer. It isn't a recent discovery but something she's been battling. I've never mentioned it because I had hopes. She has lost her left breast entirely recently. Her doctor now thinks she may have bone cancer. She's a tough lady I know but it's wearing her down.

I know people say there is always hope but here, I know there isn't much left to hope for. My grandfather has been battling cancer and the other things for at least 10 years now if not longer. He says he's ready to quit fighting. I believe him. I don't even blame him. I also believe that when a person has a major disease, if they don't want to fight it anymore and if they don't have it in them to overcome it anymore, they won't. I know he won't be with us much longer.

My mom, dad, youngest brother, 23 year old brother and little sister live in California still. My mom and youngest brother however are moving back to Texas. They've already started the drive actually.
Mom & YB will be here Sunday night. I'm apparently lacking the ability to comprehend things correctly lately, lol. I thought they would be here sooner but it's all good. I get to see them Sunday night so hooray. My mom packed up her SUV with a lot of their belongings. My mom needs to help her sisters care for their parents and she can't do that in California. She also, of course, wants to spend as much time as she can for what she has left with her parents. Plus, she just likes Texas better anyway. ;)

So that's a lot of what has been going on lately and a lot of why I haven't been around much on my blog, reading blogs, on Twitter, sending out e-mails, forums, instant messenger or anything else. I just haven't had much I wanted to say and I've been distracted and busy as hell. Not to mention dealing with other stuff and still trying to find a job. On the plus side, Boyfriend started working this week for a company he had worked for before. He hates what he's doing but it's not bad money and it's something to have income until he can find something better.

Anyway, that's all I've got for today. I do have a way overdue review going up tomorrow. That was actually what I was going to post today but I couldn't get the pictures and video onto my laptop and didn't want to post the review without them.

Have a good weekend y'all.


phairhead said...

i'm sorry for all that's been going ong. Cancer is really difficult to think about, live w/, talk about. I went through a similar situation w/ my young aunt and my grammy that raised me.

Thank you for posting. It was really raw and touching.


Emmy said...

Cancer is such a difficult thing for everyone involved. (((HUGS)))

And let me know if you need anything. Been through this one before - a couple of times, so I know exactly what you are going through.
Take care of yourself too, AR!

Slyde said...

it certainly is a difficult thing.

sending cyber-strength out to you or anyone else who needs it...

Anonymous said...

It runs thorough our family for sure. Thanks for the reminder AR. XX

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

i'm with slyde, cyber-strength all around

dark snow said...

sorry to hear that, be strong..

Secretia Teller said...

I will feel them as soon as my guy lets go of them. Yeah!

KendallJaye said...

I was diagnosed with kidney cancer when I was just 26 yrs old. Thankfully, I am a Cancer Survivor of 8 years. I am one lucky kid. Thanks for your honesty in this post! (big hug!)

Hubman said...

AR, thanks for sharing this with us. You and your grandparents are in my thoughts.

We watched Veronica's grandmother wilt away and suffer with cancer and to be honest, a small part of us was happy when she passed, because we knew she was no longer in pain and was in a better place.

((huggs)) from both of us

Anonymous said...

Aw, sorry that all this is going on. It's tough, I know. My boys' great-grandmother just died today. She had dementia at the end and didn't really know anyone anymore.

Man, sometimes we (as humans) just get depressing ends, don't we? I think it's best to go out in a blaze of glory...preferably in bed :D

Hang in there, though AR.

BTExpress said...

I'm sorry illness is hitting you guys so hard. We are born, we live for some indeterminate amount of time and we die. But dieing eventually happens to us all. There's no avoiding ait. Thank God for every day that you have, because you never know when He will call you.

I watched my wife die from brain cancer for 2 1/2 years. No one new how long she had. That was the worst part, not knowing when. She was only 56. It sucked, but I do cherish everyday I had with her. So give everyone you love a big hug, because you never know. Especially your mom. She's the only one you got.

PrettyPrettyPrincess said...

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Cancer is such a freaking evil thing. If there is anything I can do, please tell me. big big hugs

TUG said...

That is so much at one time. Big hugs, baby.

Comment Whore said...

i'm sorry to hear about your grandparents...i had boob issues a few years ago and my paternal grandma did too, but somehow I am also a silent supporter of the cause.
*hugs*...if you need to talk you know how to find me....

Anonymous said...

There's not a lot I can say that you yourself and everyone else hasn't already covered. But my thoughts are with you.


Ms. Lily said...

You have my deepest empathy, my grandparents had my sister and I every day while my parents worked. My grandmother was more like a mother to me then my own mom was, she was only 64years old when she passed from uterine cancer. She had fought for 5years, it was horrible to watch, I was 16 and had not been to the hospital to see her in 3weeks when she passed. I felt guilty for a long time because of it, just appreciate the time you have and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
If you need an ear, feel free to email me <3

autumn said...

ohhhh sweetie! i really feel so much love for you right now. take care, enjoy the time you've got left and always remember how special they are to you (as I am sure you will).

I've lost my mother, maternal grandparents and paternal grandmother all to cancer. my mom's brother has battled cancer for years and is still alive now. it's a subject so deeply ingrained in my heart. at the end of September a beautiful young woman who I know lost her own battle with breast cancer. so very tragic no matter how old the person is.

my thoughts are with you. take care and do what you need to do honey.

hugs and kisses
loves autumn

nitebyrd said...

I'm coming by to see how you are and to give you (((HUGS))) Good thoughts being sent your way, hun.

Sugarmag said...

Missing you around the HNT scene. I hope everything is ok.

Anonymous said...

Sigh. Hey girl. That sucks. I hope yo get to spend lots of time with them and your mom get there and gets to too.

Good JuJu to all ya'll.

rage said...

That is the suck about your g-parents sweetheart.

Because my great g-ma and my g-ma on my mom's side of the family have BC is what prompted me at the age of 35 this year to get my first mammogram. I obviously was freaked out about it and with a family history I believe it's never too early to get checked. Insist to your doctor that you do.

Big hugs. xoxo

vixen kitten said...

**hugs** Sweetie. Just lots and lots of **hugs**


dittohead said...

Amazing post, touching and raw. I just found out my dad's cat died at 19 years of age. I'm 23, she has been around for my entire life. I haven't had a family member die in my life yet, and the prospect scares the shit out me.

E-hugs =)

viemoira said...

I do not think you're selfish, your just honest. Watching people you love battle life threatening disease is by far one of the hardest parts of life. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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