Friday, July 10, 2009

Underneath my skin...

One of the things that many people who like my blog have all said they enjoy, admire and respect about me and the way I write is how open and bluntly honest I am. I admit, I'm like that in my real life which tends to leave people thinking I'm a bit abrupt or just a flat out bitch. That's just how I am. So let me be open and very honest right now.

I'm miserable. I have been for more months than I can count. I go to work and I do nothing else. My boyfriend, my friends and the rest of my family are all back home in Dallas, TX. I'm in Northern California. I came out here for personal reasons. The reasons I came out here ended up not working out, not panning out and not happening. I wanted to leave months ago but moving to different states is expensive. Granted, I've moved a lot and don't have a lot of things but just because I don't have a lot doesn't make moving back home that much cheaper. So my biggest obstacle has been having money to get me and my things back home to Texas. Having enough money to sit on while I look for a job so I don't go without any of the vital things I actually need. You know, just in case it takes me longer than I would like to find a decent job.

So I've been saving away money as best as I could and waiting to have enough to be able to move myself back home. It seemed like a goal I would never reached. A reality that completely bummed me out and put me down ever more than I already have been. I'm not a girl that cries a lot. Sad movies don't get to me. Stress doesn't make me cry. Most pain doesn't bring me to tears. I don't cry over much of anything usually. The sadness, the longing to be out of here, the loneliness of being away from my guy, the isolation of not having friends here to go hang out with and the desperate want to go home were all weighing on me so much. I cried so many nights into my pillow, letting out some of the sadness and other negative feelings. It didn't help. No matter how much I cried, I was still hurting. Still frustrated about having to wait so long. I have my mom, dad and three younger siblings around and being here with them did help. I had people who love me around and that made it a little easier but I still felt miserable. Still feel miserable. I do my best to keep it in check and not let it show how bad I feel but I'm sure I can't keep it hidden 100% all of the time. I know there are times when it shows and at those times, I couldn't care less who sees that I'm sad and hurting. Which isn't like me because I hate people seeing me like that. I hate feeling like that. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak but fuck, I'm only human and who doesn't feel like that at times?

Part of the reason I wrote this was because it was just tiring to find something to write about on here that was upbeat. I didn't want to write about how miserable I felt and bitch about things all the time. I didn't want my blog to become one big cry baby thing. I also didn't want to put myself out there like that, so openly to so many. So some days I just posted short posts about things that were good. To keep things positive and also to remind myself that things weren't that bad for me no matter how bad I felt. When days where I wouldn't let myself see that bit of wisdom, I didn't post shit and didn't talk much to anyone.

Feeling the way I did started weighing in on work. There would be nights at work where I would go all night only saying what needed to be said. Smiling a fake ass smile along with some fake ass banter for the customers I dealt was serving. My co-workers didn't get the smile or the banter. They got silence and when asked, a simple "I don't want to talk about it but thanks." Or something shorter. I got to where some days, I hated going in to work because I hated being there. I kept going though because I needed the money. I couldn't lose my job when I didn't have any money saved up or I'd be fucked. So I sucked it up like a big kid and kept going to work and learned to curve my bad moods even more. Which I hated doing but there was no sense making other people miserable for no reason.

I tried to not let it show at home because I didn't want to make my family miserable. Though, some days I know I failed. I felt guilty later for those days. I felt like shit for being shitty towards my family just because I felt so down in the dumps. I tried not to let it show though and a lot of days, I didn't speak much to my family either. If I knew I couldn't control my tone of voice and couldn't better control my responses, I just wouldn't say much. Again, no need to make other people feel like shit just because I do.

So, I'm sitting here, writing this. I'm not asking for any help because I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. I've talked this over with several people, in real life and people from the blogosphere. It just requires some patience, which thankfully I've learned to have a decent amount of. Don't think that any and every idea possible hasn't been thought of and tried out either. Between me and the people I've discussed with, we've come up with every logical and every ridiculous plan we could think of, lol. In the end, it comes down to patience and doing it the simplest way. The hard part has been the waiting it out.

14 comments:

13messages said...

I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.

Eliot said...

*hugs*

Kelcom said...

I hope it works out for you soon.

catrina said...

Sometimes the waiting is the hardest part. I hope it happens for you soon.

Morning Glory said...

Sending you as many positive vibes as I can and tons of cyber hugs.

sqweakygurl said...

yeah, waiting is the worst. I hope it all works out soon :)

:: hugs::

Hubman said...

Veronica and I are thinking of you!

((huggs))

ChocDrop said...

Hang in there, I know it is tuff. There is a light at the end of the tunnel----TEXAS.

rage said...

Whatever you choose to do or don't do, we are here to support you and here w-well wishes and big hugs.

Missy said...

Stay strong...this too shall pass.

Nolens Volens said...

You know where to find me. Talk my eyes off any time.

TUG said...

Honestly, I'm not surprised. I sensed things weren't right with ya for a while. Though I feel a bit stupid because I've had the locations switched around for a while now.

Since you've gone through all different scenarios I'll just hope it all works out sooner rather than later :)

phairhead said...

big hugs! you'll get through this and feel free to bitch anytime : )

Bri said...

((Hugs))... Patience is hard to come by sometimes, but when things are meant to happen, they happen... Just hang in there!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! :D