Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I can't believe it but...

I wrote a post on July 10TH about how miserable I've been for the last several months. It was the first and only time I had admitted on my blog about how I was feeling and I don't regret writing that post at all. I've been horribly unhappy and if you read the post, you know why and you know what was keeping me from fixing my situation. If not, check out that post, I explain it there.

So, I'm sitting here typing this out from my new bedroom back in Texas. Yeah, you read that right. Actually, it's my fantastic boyfriend's bedroom which I now happen to live in and take up space in.

I decided Thursday night that I just couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't have enough money saved up though. In my mind, leaving was a bad decision. I didn't have a job waiting for me in Texas. I had a decent enough job in CA. I needed quite a bit of money saved up. I wasn't close to what I wanted to be optimistic about my financial situation but I had enough to get home with my stuff and sit for a couple months and be okay. Logically though, it would have been smarter to tough it out a few more months and save up more money. In my head, I had all sorts of good and valid points that made so much sense. Not just to me, also to the people I was talking with about it.

In my heart, I didn't want to stay any longer. Having money wasn't enough. I just didn't care about saving more money if I was going to be absolutely unhappy as fuck in the process. Life is too damn short to spend month after month a sad, lonely, depressed, emotional mess. So, I listened to my heart and I started packing up everything I owned on Friday.

We (family) have moved over 20 times in the 24 years that I've been alive. In moving so much, I got to where I didn't have a lot of stuff. It was too annoying to pack up and move around a lot of junk so I condensed it down. After I had everything I owned packed it came out to 5 suitcases, 4 boxes that I shipped off via USPS (because they were the cheapest option actually) a few loose odds/ends, 3 pillows and 1 over stuffed backpack.

We loaded up the car. Added an ice chest full of bottled water and Red Bull and off we were. By we, I mean my boyfriend and a guy friend who had flown out to visit. Then he just used some of his vacation time to come on this little road trip with my boyfriend and myself to get me back home to Texas.

I decided so last minute that it would have been unfair to most employers. Except, the supervisor/owner of my job (well, now previous job) happens to be my dad whom was hoping that I would make the decision to leave, to go back home to Texas and be happy. So when he found out, he wasn't mad and already had my weekend shifts covered. Yeah, my dad is awesome. The GM there was happy for me and wished me the best then spent 20 minutes just rambling on. He's a cool guy and I really did enjoy working for him. For the most part.

During packing, I felt a little anxious. The anxiety fell away the more I packed and I got excited. I'd think about the money, more so the lack of it, then I'd feel a bit anxious again. Nothing enough to make me change my mind and stay though.

During the drive, I stressed a little about money and the lack of employment. I was nervous and scared as hell that I'd made a mistake. In New Mexico, I had a minor panic attack and then got calm. I made the drive out of NM and on into Texas. By the time I crossed the TX border, I was so giddy and fucking excited that I knew I'd made the right decision. Albeit, I was still worried and scared about the uncertainty of things but fuck it. Like I said, life is too short to be a miserable mess. I can fix monetary issues easier than I can fix my mental and emotional well being.

We got in late Sunday night. We brought in all my stuff, piled it in a corner of Boyfriend's bedroom and then we passed the fuck out. We woke up Monday and started handling the cleaning and organizing of the bedroom. I got some snazzy room organizing stuff for Target that was thankfully on sale so I didn't have to spend a lot. We got everything unpacked and put away. I even got half of his closet to put my clothes in. This will sound a little odd but because of the minor instability of moving around so much, I haven't had my own bedroom with my own closet in a few years. It felt a little weird to have a place to hang my clothes but it was awesome. I had spent a year in California, sleeping in a living room. I didn't mind it but the lack of privacy sucked. I didn't complain much though. It was what it was and I try my best to make the best of situations.

I'm already a little happier than I have been in a long time. Even though my brain wants to argue with my heart that I wasn't smart enough about the situation, I don't really care. I feel in my gut that I did the right thing for me. I'll take happiness and a some stress over having virtually no stress but being a moody,
lonely, depressed, emotionally fucked bitch. I still have some things to sort out and I'm a little scared and worried about money, the job situation and some other things but it's nothing I can't handle. I'll be a broke ass bitch for now but I'm confident I'll find a job soon enough and hopefully monetary issues will be okay until then.

25 comments:

Lilly said...

Good for you!!! Not sense wasting time being miserable. I did it for too long.

vanimp said...

Good girl for making the changes you so badly wanted. Things will work out fine, you'll be bouncing about in no time. I've been there enough times to know *huggles* xxx

Hubman said...

I'm so happy for you! When you moved to CA last year and left your BF back in TX I wondered what was up. You're so right, monetary issues can be dealt with, the most important thing is that you're happy and followed your heart. Good for you!

Comment Whore said...

sometimes its best to follow your heart and work it out when you get there....life IS way too short to be unhappy...
wishing you the best..*hugs**

Joker_SATX said...

You and I seem to be living parallel lives...that's scary!

It will become obvious to you as to the changes that have come across my life...

"why so serious?"

The Peach Tart said...

Well some people may think you're nuts but I say BRAVO girl. Way to listen to your gut and your heart. You are happier and when you're happier you exude an energy that will land you a job.

temperofrage said...

Well, I hope it works out for you and hope you're happy. At least you get to see The Boy now!

temperofrage said...

Well, I hope it works out for you and hope you're happy. At least you get to see The Boy now!

Emmy said...

I am truly happy you just took the leap and moved. Being unhappy and waiting to make the change when all conditions are ideal isn't always ideal. Glad you were able to make it work by following your heart!

Southern Sage said...

Well thats excellent! You will find work no prob. Might not be the gig you want but you will find something to tide you over until you find the one you want..

Congrats on getting back and being happier, it'll work out just fine, no doubt about it.

Good luck!

hamachi15 said...

Good for you! Your happiness will lead to your success. A clearer mind will allow you to focus.

Nolens Volens said...

I am glad you finally went for it. Here's to your new life in Texas. :)

Barney said...

Im happy for you darling...
Your right.. it's easier to fix the money issues, than to fix all the depression, unhappy bullshit!

Besides.. Boyfriend is there.. you two will work and figure it all out!!!!

Another Suburban Mom said...

Well good for you! I am glad that you are back in TX. I am sure that you will find a good job soon.

ChocDrop said...

How awesome. Sometimes the heart leads you in the direction of happiness and it sounds like you made a great decision.

Osbasso said...

Woohoo! Good for you! There's too many people out here who don't have the balls to take a chance. Myself included. Now go find yourself a job!

dragonmage said...

Yay for going for it! I'm glad to read that you are happy. The rest will follow.

Eliot said...

Good on you, sugar. I wish you all the best in finding a job and getting on your feet properly. :-)

Chris said...

Yay, that's great news!! You're going to land on your feet I'm sure. It made no sense to continue being miserable out in Cali, life is too short. It takes a lot of strength to uproot like that, I'm happy for you and wish you the best.

Ms Undecided said...

I'm excited for you! It sounds like you made the right decision for your well-being and that's very rarely the wrong one.

Pluff said...

Congratulations!! Life is way too short and you would kick yourself in 20 years if you didn't follow your heart.

phairhead said...

sometimes you just have to go for it! and from the sounds of it, yr back where you belong

TUG said...

I'm very happy for you. I certainly think you did the right thing. I also envy that you were able to do what your heart felt. I promise you'll never regret this decision.

rage said...

I am so happy for you sweetie! I want you to be happy....and so does Temper.

xoxo

xX...Amy...Xx said...

Yay! It's good to see you smiling again! All the little things will sort themselves out soon, I'm sure!

xxxx