Monday, April 27, 2009

You're a mountain that I'd like to climb...

I am not the kind of girl who cries much at all. I used to wonder about if something might be wrong with me. I would see things, read things and watch things that others saw, read and watched and they would cry. Happy tears, sad tears. I used to just feel a twinge of something and then feel nothing. I wondered about what might be wrong. I don't wonder about that any more.

Books don't make me cry. I have a couple friends, male and female, who read some books and they just tear up over things in them. Some books fictional, some book non-fictional. I read fiction. I read biographies. I read things both made up and real. I read some horrible things. None of it makes me cry though. I feel anger more often than not when I read of injustice and violence. I read heartbreaking stories and I'll feel sadness but I don't cry. The sadness never lasts long. It always turns to anger, to outrage at injustice.

Blogs sometimes come close to making me spill tears but still, it rarely ever happens. Something can be written with such raw emotion and I may feel like I want to cry, my eyes may water as I relate and understand the pain the person is going through but those tears go away without anything ever spilling over. I don't often try to keep them from spilling over. They just don't. Retreating as quickly if not quicker than they appeared.

Movies don't make me cry. Not even the saddest one or one that has such a deliriously happy ending you have tears of joy pooling in your eyes.

Those TV shows with the gut wrenching episodes that people warn you you'll need a box of tissues for? Even those sports moments, where the players themselves are brought to tears, do nothing for me. I can feel sad, feel sorry, feel this and feel that.

It takes a lot for me to cry though. I've been told before that I'm cold hearted. That I have a black hurt. That I'm this that and the other thing blah blah blah. That's not true at all. I have a big heart and I care a lot more than I tend to let on about things. I don't cry because, I just don't. I feel a lot of things. For one, I think crying is a very private thing. I don't like to have people see me crying. I don't cry in front of people. I don't even have to think about it or fight not to do it because it isn't something I often think about doing. I deal with things in my own way. It may outwardly seem like I'm cold but I'm not. I just don't wear those emotions on my sleeve or anywhere near there.

Music though, it's one of the three things that are the exception to that rule for me. Music can bring me to tears. Tears of sorrow for lyrics that are so mournful for love and life lost. Tears of pain for all the hurt and heartache that gets poured out in so many words and syllables. Tears of joy for songs so bouncing and happy that you just have to laugh and smile because listening to the song makes you so deliriously happy you just have to react in some positive way. Tears of outrage and anger for songs that make me want to scream and smash things. Tears of appreciation because the composed music is so damn beautiful that it makes me ache in such a raw way on the inside. Music makes me feel down to my soul. There aren't a lot of things in the world that make me feel blissfully alive but music is one thing that does. No matter the kind of mood I'm in, I have something I can listen to that can ease me, bring me up, relax me, calm me and on and on. Music is my drug, my addiction, my passion.

I love Incubus. They are one of my favorite bands and have been for such a long time. I always love their music. I have all of their albums. Combine all the songs from each album and there are less than 10 songs by the band that I don't like total. Their lyrics always speak to me in some way.

Their newest is a song called "Black Heart Inertia" and I can't stop listening to it. This song makes me simultaneously feel some conflicting emotions. Sadness and sorrow matched with a deep, aching feeling of happiness, contentment and the urge to squeal happily like a little girl on Christmas morning. I know why those lyrics make me feel that way too but that part, I'll be keeping to myself. =)



Happy Monday!

7 comments:

Another Suburban Mom said...

I am usually not much of a crier, but Extreme Home Makeover gets me EVERY time.

Happy Monday to you too!

phairhead said...

ugh i cry at everything!

Southern Sage said...

I could have written the first part of this post. They call me cold hearted and shit too.

TROLL Y2K said...

I almost cried once. 1997.

Slyde said...

im not much of a crier either, but i remember the 3 part episodes where they slowly killed Jimmy Smits off of NYPD Blue, by the end i was bawling like a little boy...

KBear said...

just because you don't cry, doesn't make you cold.. Matt has cried twice in our 8 year relationship.. maybe 3 times at most..he's not cold.. he just doesnt like to show his emotion..he keeps it shut up, because it's that part of himself that he doesn't want to share with others, the part of himself he protects fiercely... maybe you're the same.. you protect that which is most vulnerable in most people maybe?

rage said...

Not much of a crier myself either and I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with how you respond to things. Everyone is different.

Having said that, the only movie that really made me cry a lot was PS I love you.