Thursday, April 30, 2009

Was it all too much or just not enough?

Normally, I would play the half naked picture show today. Like I said last week, I'm not going to play as often on my blog. I'll pretty much only play when I'm in the mood too though I still post pictures with regularity on my blog as it is. I did have pictures for today but I'm not in the mood to mess with it this week.

Instead, I'll post something a bit more private than a half naked shot of some body part. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote and submitted to a contest. It's only a small portion of the story but I didn't want to post the full thing here.

"She's walking down a hallway. She's the only one there. There are small lights that cast a dim glow. Not enough to see much. Enough to see that there are no windows on either side. Enough to see the walls on both sides are smooth and black. Enough of a glow and a wide enough path so that she doesn't feel suffocated, claustrophobic, trapped. She walks slowly, cautiously. Not sure what to expect. Not sure where this dimly light path will take her. She notices she's barefoot and that her feet sink softly into the black plush carpet beneath her feet. She reaches a hand out as she walks, trailing fingers over the smooth dark walls. It feels like marble. What a strange place. An amused smile spreads across her lips and she walks on. There's no rush. She feels no immediate danger.

She lets her mind wander as she walks. Disappointing thoughts fill her head. She shakes her head, as if a physical attempt the shake the thoughts free would actually work. She laughs at herself. Silly girl. She shrugs and gives in, letting the thoughts flow freely. She wonders about the mistakes she's made recently. She knew they were the wrong decisions to make. She had a feeling deep inside her gut that told her before she went through that she was making a mistake. She ignored the instinct, taking the benefit of the doubt, hoping she could get something for nothing. She let another smile spread across her lips. Bitter and full or mirth at the same time. Funny how physical expressions were so full of emotion without even trying. If she couldn't laugh at her foolishness, she would hate herself for it. You didn't get anything of value without paying a price. It was silly to think otherwise. Absolutely preposterous really.

Her steps slowed as her thoughts turned from her actions to her emotions. At that, she tried to mentally slam the biggest steel door she could imagine stop to end the change of thought. Actions she could deal with thinking about. She could not change those, could not go back and do things differently. Regret wasn't something she wasted time with. Actions she could control. Emotions, she wasn't sure how to control all the time. Forcing them away she could handle. This time, it didn't work. Feelings of sadness, despair, isolation and defeat wrapped around her. She could see her life passing her by with each day of hollow existence. Tears welled in her eyes and she clenched her jaw tightly, willing the tears away. Fighting against them hoping to keep them from spilling down her cheeks. She lost. Tears streamed down her cheeks effortlessly and she let out a ragged breath she hadn't known she had been holding in. She let the wall inside her crumble to nothing and let the emotion flood through her like a dam bursting. The sudden surge of emotion took her over from the inside out and she found herself sitting on the floor, back against the smooth wall. She buried her head into her hands. No one was there to see or her hear yet she still felt shame, felt a need to hide. She couldn't bear the thought that she was letting herself lose control this way. You can't really hide from yourself. You can try but it's a silly notion, a waste of time to try. Tears continued rolling warmly down her cheeks. The ache she felt from inside didn't subside any. If anything, it only worsened. Deepened, stretching inside, trying to take up as much space as it could.

She felt weak and vulnerable. Vile and ugly. Defeated and worthless. She was disgusted with herself, her lack of control. Her resolve to give in and give up so quickly. She couldn't begin to understand all the emotions she felt building inside her. She tried to grasp on to a coherent thought from all the words racing through her mind. She could not make anything out. It was all a mess. Just words spoken with no sense or reason. She began sobbing and lost what little control she had left."

Happy Thursday.

18 comments:

An Artist Exposed said...

A moving read - you write so very well... HHNT!

Kathy said...

Gods! You know I do NOT comment often but I had to for this post.

That piece was, without doubt, heart wrenching, full of emotion and beautiful. You have such a WAY with words.

I would LOVE and feel HONORED if you allowed me to read the full piece. If not, I COMPLETELY understand and will be satisfied with this little piece you chose to share with us.

southerngirl said...

Hey baby...your blog = your rules!

Beautiful piece there AR, a curious tapestry...where's is it going?

13messages said...

This really makes my day. Your writing is beautiful and captured a moment wonderfully.

I'm wondering about her now.

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

great writing.

us.. minds in the gutter? NEVER!

*snickers*

*muah*

Southern Sage said...

Sounds good to me AR. Very good best I can tell!

Southern Vixen said...

I have a beautiful image, of you, floating in my head...you wouldn't need to post another picture EVER -but it would disappoint all the newbies.

You are gorgeous, picture or no picture.

Happy HNT!

Big Kahuna said...

Very intimate and moving!!

Kimberly said...

You write beautifully. Thank you for sharing!!

Confessor X said...

What can I say that hasn't already been said other then great piece of work and thanks for allowing us to read what you've sharred. HHNT ;)

Kiki said...

WOW.

This is why I love reading your blog. You write so well. It's almost like you're in my head, translating the raw emotions you happen to find.

bookbinder said...

Why your not published, I'll never know.

Sam said...

I've been where she is, if you haven't--you have a helluva grasp of the human condition. You've told it beautifully, happy Thursday.

P.S--I want that pendant.

mina said...

you are a star. That was beautiful and moving.

rage said...

You should become a professional writer...

Bruce said...

Hmmm, well written, but with little real substance (due to it only being a partial peice). We have no background regarding why she feels this way. Excellent use of metephor and emotional content, although in it's current trunicated form....seems a bit wordy. Raises a lot of issues, but give few answers or conclusions.

Vixen said...

Really, really love that necklace..... xo

TUG said...

Even though you didn't call in HNT it still is :)

I wish I had the talent to write. Very nice.