Friday, January 23, 2009

Beautiful as fire against the evening sky...

I just spent an hour writing a post that I will not publish today. I was going to. I was re-reading it, checking for typos and making sure I hadn't rambled off point too much in any place before I hit publish. Then it hit like a sack of bricks, I could not post this. Not today. I hit the save now button because one of these days, I will go back and will post it. It's something I want to share. It's deep and it's very personal. I realized though that there are things in it that I don't want some people finding out by reading them on my blog. There were things in there that I don't want my boyfriend knowing by reading my blog. They don't have anything to do with them but they're things in my passed that I've never told him. The end of the post leads up to him though. The things I don't want him finding out by reading them are there. They're good things too. Just things I've never told him because they're things I didn't realize until the last few months when I've thought about them. I've thought a lot lately about the state of mind I was in when we met, the person I was, the things I was going through. I realized recently something wonderful and that realization was in the post that I wrote today, that mixing of passed with present.

Then there are other things I wrote about that I don't want other people reading.

In some time, I'll come back and remember to post that blog. I didn't spend all that time writing it for nothing, lol. Now isn't the time for it though. Maybe by then, I won't care and none of that stuff will seem important anymore. I have no idea. I'm not being a drama queen either though if you think that, fine and dandy for you.

I'm excited about some things. I'm excited about possibly being able to get more dental work done soon. I'm excited about moving back home in another couple of months after I save up some money. I'm excited about school in the fall. I'm excited about a couple other more personal things. I'm excited that I'm going to start living and stop just existing and going through the motions every single day. I'm going to let go and stop worrying so much about what certain people will think one way or another. I can't make everyone happy and right now, the only person I really want to make happy is myself. I'm not really sure what the fuck that even feels like anymore because I haven't really been happy in so fucking long. I'm content right now. Trust me, feeling content after feeling completely miserable for so long feels like paradise. I feel more right currently than I have in a while. I've got a great family, despite our disagreements and driving each other crazy from time to time. I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me and understands me better than anyone. I have great friends here, there and everywhere.
I feel more like me than I have in quite a while and I was honestly terrified that I'd lost that girl somewhere along the way. I might have but it doesn't matter now. Most importantly, I feel alive. I don't feel worthless, I don't feel useless. I have direction. I have a plan finally. I don't have it all figured out and I don't care because no one ever has it all figured out. I've never thought I needed to have it all figured out, it seems stressful to try and unrealistic beyond belief.

Cookie for you if you actually read all of that. Not that it was long because it wasn't very long at all. :)

Happy Friday!
Have a great weekend y'all!


Jormengrund said...

Sometimes it's not about the pursuit of happiness..

Sometimes it's all about the search for being comfortable in your own skin.

Once that's accomplished, then you can move on to bigger and better things!

Cheers to you in your goals!

Hetero-Sapphic said...

With time, it will become much more clearer and you can do more with what you're reaching for.

YAH about getting to the goals you wanted to!

Jessica said...

I do that often, write a post that reveals what I dont want showing...only to realize that its not the time.

Although I havent been by here often I am happy for your coming of age of sorts. Why exist when you can live. Heres to it...

Sexie Sadie~ said...

I am so happy for you. You sound content. Maybe getting all that gunk out in the post you don't want to publish helped the catharsis as well.

You are beautiful and loved out here. I am happy you are feeling good about your life and yourself. Keep up the good internal work. It is important to be selfish sometimes, and focus on yourself and being happy with who you are.

Big kisses!

I Smile 2 Much said...

Me too. Guilty as charged. To "almost" post things I've never ever posted. I have 780 posts (thats what it says) on my public blog. But only 126 are published & viewable. (Many drafted from previous when I was "dealing with" my online "situations" though)

I like when you said, "I realized recently something wonderful and that realization was in the post that I wrote today, that mixing of passed with present."

It says a lot. And I'll share in your excitement for all that's about to be yours!

And can I get 2 cookies please? I'm so damn hungry right now. For reals. ;)

*playful smiles*

phairhead said...

Yr starting school and moving back home??? That's wicked awesome!

Anonymous said...

Loved the post!!!!!! Keep it up!

J. said...

At least you got so far as writing and saving your post. I constantly spend hours "thinking" of posts that never get beyond that initial concept. Then I end up posting crap that I put little to no thought into. Your reasons for not posting seem pretty logical. Congratulations on not being as screwed up as some of us are!

TUG said...

I'm sure you can imagine I've made a few of those posts as well :)

I'll take my cookie now...gooey chocolate chip!

viemoira said...

Sounds like you've got much to sort out and ponder on...good thing you have such a damn good head on your shoulders! If only we all could have had such at your age! i highly respect your ability to vent about stuff but also realize things that must be discussed with people face to face without them reading it in your blog! i'm sure all things will work out!