Monday, January 26, 2009

...And now I know for sure, there is no cure

So before I get to the post today, since I have people ask, my boyfriend does still once and a while post on his blog. He made a new post yesterday actually! Which, I didn't noticed and he didn't mention but I got an e-mail from a cheeky blogger lady you all know and dig who was excited that he posted again, lol. She's such a nerd, that one. Anyway click here and check it out if you like, after you're done here of course.

This guy I know sent me a text message on Friday. We weren't ever really good friends or anything. We hung out, we talked a lot but nothing much. We made out quite a few times but it never went beyond kissing and that only happened a few times. We still talk now and then but I had not heard from him since last year, around October, when he told me he was moving back home to Dallas after living in Los Angeles, CA for almost a year.

He sent me a text to let me know that he "came out" to his family and his close friends recently. I replied back that I was proud of him. He asked me if I was surprised that he was gay and I said I wasn't. I had a feeling he was gay anyway, even when we used to hang out and even the times we made out.

The first time I met him, I thought that he was gay. I hate to say it but it was just a feeling I got. I even asked after knowing him for two weeks and he got flushed and slightly embarrassed and danced away from the subject without ever answering. Then, I'd notice him trying to discreetly check out a hot guy that walked by at times. I'd notice him staring at a cute guy's butt and I'd comment about something related to the guy and he'd get flustered and act like he had no clue what I was talking about. I noticed other things and eventually, I asked again one night. We were sitting around, ironically watching Will & Grace and I asked, to which he again wouldn't give me an answer. To avoid the answer, he kissed me and we made out. I wasn't in to it really and I knew he wasn't either but still it was kind of fun.

When we would make out, he never got even the slightest bit turned on. He never wanted to do more than kiss. He didn't ever kiss away from my lips. His hands never left my hips or lower back at all. There wasn't anything to it either. I didn't feel anything and I could tell he never felt anything. No chemistry at all, no urgency, no real desire, no heat, no spark, flat nothing. Kissing with him was just kind of fun, kind of like practice too. It was relaxing in a way because it was just fun without anything behind it. It was friendly as hell. After a few times, I remember talking with him and telling him I didn't want to make out again because even though it was kind of fun that it was also kind of weird too and I didn't see a point in going forward in that fashion since it was obvious neither of us was into it at all. He agreed. The fact that he wasn't at all into me at all wasn't what made me think he was gay. Like I said, I noticed other things and I just had a feeling. Not to mention last year he got in touch with one of my best guy friends, who is very openly gay and began chatting him up out of the blue. The chatting my good friend up turned into a little light flirtation though nothing more ever came of it. And again, there were other things not to mention my rockin' intuition about these things, lol.

He said he figured I knew already anyway. I asked him why he figured that. He mentioned about back when we hung out and made out and said that the fact that he wasn't moved at all, even slightly by a pretty girl kissing him probably gave it away to me. I said I wasn't conceited enough at all to think a guy was gay just because he wasn't turned on or interested in me. He laughed at that and told me he felt he needed to apologize. I asked why. He said in making out with me, he was hoping that he would enjoy it and hoping it would turn him on even slightly. He said he was confused and based on how his strict Catholic family upbringing, he felt like he was very wrong to feel the way he did about guys. So he was trying to force himself to like girls. So he felt the need to apologize to me in case I had taken it personally. By personally, he thought I might have freaked out and thought something was wrong with me because he never got the slightest bit turned on with me. My turn to laugh and tell him no such thing ever even crossed my mind, lol. No way would I ever blame myself for a guy not being turned on with me.

So I told him he didn't need to apologize but he did anyway because he felt he should. I said that was fine and asked him why he finally decided to come out to his family and friends. He laughed and said it was because he finally got tired of trying to be with women when it wasn't what he really wanted. He said he was tired of trying to live his life in a way that wasn't true to how he really felt. That he was finally comfortable enough in what he felt to be open about it, first with himself and then months later with the people closest with him.

He says he's so happy now that he's open about it. I asked how his parents took it. He said his father didn't speak to him at first but then after four days, he called and told him that he didn't care, if that's what he felt then he couldn't change it and he still loved him. He said his mom just hugged him the day he told her and said she already knew but was glad he was okay enough with himself to be able to tell her finally.

I told him I was happy for him and he asked why. I told him I understood how it felt to feel a certain way and feel like it was wrong or bad and want to try to change it but to never be able to because it was one of those things you just couldn't change about yourself. He said that was exactly how he had felt and we talked a little bit longer on the subject. Then he told me about the guy at work that he has the hots for, lol. I wished him luck in that and he made me promise to keep in better touch with him. I said I'd try and he laughed and said that was the best. Then he joked about wanting to meet my sexy boyfriend one of these days and I said we would see about that. If he tries to take a drink of my sexy Kool-Aid though, we're gonna have some serious issues going on. ;)

Musical Monday:

"Contagious" by Trapt

"......But you caught my attention
You built on the tension
And you left me wanting more
Now I don't know what I can do with myself
(Do with myself)
I don't want nobody else

I let you in, I let you in
And you infected me
Can't get enough of you
Can't get enough of you
I breathed you in, I breathed you in
And now I'm in too deep
Don't think I'm pulling through
(Don't think I'm pulling through)
Can't get enough of you
(Can't get enough of you)

You're so contagious
Running through my veins
You're so contagious
Hanging onto every word
You're so contagious
And I can't get away
You're so contagious
And now I know for sure
There is no cure

I saw your intentions
I gave you permission
Go ahead and start the war
I was out of addictions
By my own admission
Oh, I've been keeping score
But you made an exception
You taught me a lesson
Who cares where I've been before?
You would never leave me all by myself
All by myself
You don't want nobody else....."

Click the link if you want to read all of the lyrics. I didn't start from the beginning and I didn't post them all. I just posted the parts I wanted to display. This song makes me think of.... who? Yeah, my boyfriend. Although, calling him contagious and accusing him of breaking through my barriers and infecting me isn't the most romantic thing in the world but I'm not the romantic kind of girl. I'm complicated, logical, realistic and it took a whole lot for him to get close to me. Even more difficult was I had to slow myself down. I wanted to trust him and wanted to give in to him and take my walls down for him more so than I do for anyone else. I wanted to be more open more quickly. For that, it scared the shit out of me and made me a little crazy. I wanted to trust him faster than I trusted myself to be able to do and that set me to trying to put up extra walls because I've never met someone who is so good, kind and genuinely caring as my boyfriend is. It scared me and for that, the poor boy probably had it worse than any other person who has ever tried to get close to me. I'm glad he's endured and surpassed every single thing I've thrown at him though. =)


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am Cuban...Latin American...Hispanic...whatever you want to call it. My cousin came out of the closet many years ago.

In a Hispanic family, this is something you simply did not do. Mt Uncle wanted to kill him...Literally. It was a blow to his Hispanic Machismo.

As with my cousin, I am glad to see your friend discovered who he is in that respect. I also thought you handled that rather well.