Monday, October 27, 2008

Left alone with only reflections of the memory

Today is my mama's birthday. :) I had originally asked for the night off from work so I could be around all day but my boss is a moron when it comes to scheduling and didn't give me the night off. I requested it with plenty of time but as I said, he's not the smartest guy, lol. I don't have any problem with him really. For the most part, I like the guy but he's a little annoying and has issues working requests for the schedule. I said I'd get it fixed and my mom told me not to do that, keep my hours and don't worry about it. So I'll be working tonight but during the day, I'm taking her out to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. So, you know, I don't totally suck. ;)

Work Sunday was great. Time flew by fast. We were busy most of the night. The last hour of my shift was the slowest but I didn't mind that so much. A lot of people hate when work gets crazy busy but I love it. Time goes by so quickly and there's always plenty to do during the busy periods. Then when it slows, you stay busy cleaning and stocking things. It helps the time go by much faster and it feels like you're only at work for a couple hours. Instead of 8 or 9 hours, lol. I HATE when it's slow and time drags by forever.

The Stars don't play again until Wednesday BUT I have Wednesday's off! Hopefully I can actually watch it while it's on instead of staying up way too late after work to watch the games recorded on the DVR.

I've sucked at replying to e-mails lately. I'll catch up Tuesday on my first day off of the week. ;)

Musical Monday... "Sorrow" by Flyleaf.

I turned my back on you. I couldn't stand to watch you walk away from me. It hurt and I didn't understand. At the time, I felt it was what I had to do. Turn away, let you walk away. Separate from one another. Our friendship had always been complicated. You were only a year older but you were so much more grown than I. Life can be unfair and you were dealt an unlucky hand. Forced to be a man when you were still so young. Playing the grown up while the rest of us acted as teenagers do. I never understood. I didn't see at the time what you were grasping to hold on to me for. I didn't understand. Couldn't understand. It was more than I could fathom. Things progressed in a way I couldn't handle. At that time, I thought it was something else. I wasn't mature enough to understand what you were seeing in me. I thought it was infatuation and lust. It's what it seemed. It's how everyone else saw it as well. I was too immature to see what it really was. Too young to understand what was truly there, what it was you really saw in me and hoped to obtain. We got to the point in our friendship where we were fighting and exchanging pitiful words fueled by anger. Anger that was misplaced. I couldn't understand and you didn't know how to make me understand. A year older in age but a lifetime older in every other aspect. I couldn't take it anymore. Too much trouble. Too much discomfort. Too many bad feelings. I hated seeing you flinch away as scathing words spilled from my mouth. I hated when you lashed out at me because I didn't understand. I hate how our simple friendship had evolved into something so complicated that I couldn't understand what it was.

It was almost a year later when I finally saw. The realization hit me and it was like having a part of my eyes opened that I never realized had been closed before. You only walked away because I turned my back on you. I didn't listen. You tried to explain. You tried to tell me things I should have listened to. They couldn't be true though. It wasn't something I could handle. I didn't want to. I wasn't sure how. It's not that I didn't care. I did care. It was just more than I was capable of handling at the time. I didn't understand and partly, I didn't understand because I wouldn't allow myself to see everything. If I ignored these things you presented to me, they wouldn't be true. How silly and ridiculous denial can be. How self serving it is to convince yourself of what you want to believe at times. How incredibly selfish I was. At one point, after you left, I laughed to myself thinking how over dramatic you had made everything in the end. I saw the hurt in your eyes the last day I saw you. I knew it was real but I didn't understand why you were so hurt. Several times we spoke on the phone after that and I could hear it in your voice. I didn't understand. I still couldn't understand why you were so hurt. I didn't understand what it was that you saw in me, saw in our friendship. I didn't understand what it was that you got from me until it didn't matter anymore.

They say things are better done late than never. I don't always believe that applies. In this instance, it did me no good at all to realize anything later than never. I hurt someone who didn't deserve it and I lost a really good friend. Due to my own lack of understanding. My own unwillingness to let go and try harder. For fear I would end up being the one who fell and ended up hurting the worst. I was selfish and pathetic. The only things I would wish for is the chance to apologize to him. I realized too late and everything was ruined. The last time we spoke, we agreed to never speak again. I can't remember why, at the time, that seemed like such a good idea. I've no idea where he is in life but I hope he's doing well. He deserves it. More than he knows. I hope he found someone to make him feel that way. I won't ever know though and that's just how it is.

The best thing from all of that was that I learned something from it all. Not right away. Better late than never applies here though. I learned how to be the kind of friend that I should have been to him in the first place. I changed in a way that most people didn't noticed. I noticed. I knew I was doing a couple things differently. That's all that mattered. I learned from it and promised to be more careful when dealing with people I care for and their emotions.

That song by Flyleaf makes me think of something different almost every time I hear it. I was surprised when I was listening to it on the way to work Sunday and it made me think of my friend I just wrote about. I listened to every verse and it reminded me of harsh words or a certain time with him.

I love how music can do that. You can listen to a song and gather so many different meanings in the words. Certain songs just make you feel things. Sadness. Joy. Silly. Some songs remind you of things. Even when they aren't particularly good memories it's still good for you to remember things. It's good to feel pain at times. It's not that I love to dwell on painful memories because I certainly don't do that. I think it's good to remember the good and the bad that got you where you are today.Remembering where you went wrong before helps me figure out how to try not to go wrong in the present or the future. Dwelling is pointless but acting as if nothing more than general indifference happened before today is pointless too.

Happy Monday... :)


Flyinfox_SATX said...

I agree with you on the amazing things music can do...good Monday post!

TUG said...

Ohhh, great choice with the song!

Baby said...

Hope the birthday lunch with your mom is a great one - and love that song, actually, I like Flyleaf!

Anonymous said...

I, too, agree about the music!

You sound like a sweet daughter taking your mom out to lunch and wanting to take the day off to be with her. I hope my daughters are close to me like that when they're all grown up.

And, random, I want the straight scoop on waiting tables! I applied at two places last Thursday and want to go back by there one afternoon this week to try and talk to the manager but it's a bit difficult b/c of naptimes and requiring a sitter just to do that.

Any suggestions on how you get on there? Give me your tips! *giggle*

Dial-Up Princess said...

Wow..hrm...btw yesterday was my moms...

Its better late than never to realize stuff. It doesnt matter so much whether they hear it, more of just the fact that you can get it out and try to let it go...

I Smile 2 Much said...

Happy bday to your mom ;)

I always suck @ email replying. I have the best of intentions though. I'm just not a very planned or well thought out chick is all. *sigh*

Anyways. ;)

"I hurt someone who didn't deserve it and I lost a really good friend."

BTDT. I think about it all the time even tho it was sumthin that happened to me when I was 17. He was my best friend for 12 yrs. ((((Hugs, my dear))))

"You can listen to a song and gather so many different meanings in the words."

I *absolutely* agree. Music is my everything. Each song means 'something' to me. Painful, good or whatever the case may be ....

I need my music. I'd die without it I think...

Luv ya....


Passion said...

Happy Birthday to your mom. Mine passed two years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't break down and cry. I miss her so. Cherish every moment sweetie.

I love this song, I never heard it before, but the words are powerful.

If it weren't for music, I would be locked up is what soothes and comforts me.


phairhead said...

pretty photo of you

Sheen V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheen V said...

D'oh! I mis-read this post - thought it was your birthday. Hope your Mom had a great day.