Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bi bi.

I am bisexual.

I'm not bisexual because I think it's hot.

I'm not bisexual for attention.

I'm not bisexual to make other people think I'm wild, freaky or sexy.

I noticed that I was attracted to other girls at a really young age. Long before it was hip and trendy to do and be so. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I was wrong and weird. I wondered about what was wrong with me. I was angry at myself for being "that way" and not understanding how or why it had happened. In turn, it made it seem like I was angry at everyone else around me. Teenage angst I guess. I wasn't comfortable talking to anyone about what was "wrong with me" and why I was so uncomfortable and angry about it. I was ashamed of myself and didn't want to tell anyone what was going on with me. A couple years later, I happened upon some books that helped me understand that there wasn't a single fucking thing in entire world wrong with me. I was fine and there was nothing I needed to feel dirty and ashamed about. I read more and more on bisexuality and homosexuality and formed an opinion on it. I felt better and stopped being angry with myself for the feelings I had. I hadn't done anything that made that happened. It was just the way I was. I still didn't tell any of my family anything though. I did get to where I would tell people. Friends. Girls that I picked up vibes from that seemed to be good. They usually were. It wasn't until this year, earlier in the year, when I finally just asked my mom if she knew. She said she suspected but hadn't been sure and wasn't going to ask that. Fine with me.

It's funny how people you know are when they find out something like that. To me, it seems like no big deal. People around me tell me they don't care and see nothing wrong with it. Some of my friends, newer friends, knew from pretty much the get go. They're okay with it or they aren't and they just don't acknowledge it. That's fine too. It's not something I go around talking a lot about. Some people really are fine about it. Indifferent even with a few. Which I am grateful for honestly. Some say they aren't bothered by it in any way.

Some of them, are full of shit.

I can remember an instance over a year ago where someone close to me saw something about a bisexual girl in a news story. They read the story and commented that if she hadn't been a disgusting slut, she might not have had the troubles she had. I asked what made the girl in the story a disgusting slut. That person replied back that bisexuality and homosexuality were disgusting.

Today, that person would deny ever saying that to me if I brought it up. They claim to not care and not think anything bad about me being bisexual. They didn't know I was at the time that comment about the girl was made. I know that despite what they say, they probably think the same about me to some degree.

They might try to say they don't remember saying such a thing. Maybe they honestly don't. I remember because they are someone semi-close to me. I also remember because all I thought at the time was if they would call me a disgusting slut if they knew I was bisexual as the girl in the news story was. They wouldn't ever say that to me. Maybe about me to someone else. Never to me though. They'd never admit they were disgusted by a small part of me.

I don't call myself bisexual just because I'm attracted to girls. I've fooled around with girls. Several girls. Not just one or two in an experimental kind of way. I've had female friends with benefits before. I even went on dates with a couple different girls a long time ago because I thought I wanted to be done with men. I learned from that that I wouldn't ever likely be in a relationship like that again with another female. Friendship and sexual stuff, I can handle and I do enjoy.

Some people discount it because they don't know those things. They think I just like to point out hot chicks and go to strip clubs to watch the pretty half naked women dance. It's true on both points but I've also been with other females and still have interest in doing things like that.

Other things people think is that because I like and have been with girls and guys that I'm easy. If I do both it must be because I just can't get enough sex so I go crazy and take all I can get. That isn't true either and it's silly to think so.

Another thing is more recently, it's become really trendy for girls to get drunk or just act up in public with a female friend. Kissing and groping on each other just to get attention. Just so guys will find them sexy and adventurous. Hot. Wild. Shit like that. I don't do that either and I really dislike girls who do honestly. It gives people the wrong impression and that is annoying.

Another thing that really pisses me off are the girls who assume that because I'm bi, I must be attracted to ever girl on the planet. Really? Could you be more shallow? Just because I like the look of one brunette girl doesn't mean I find every brunette under the sun sexy. Just as with guys, attitude and personality play a lot into it as well.

I wonder sometimes why it should matter what I do and don't like. I'm comfortable with it. More so, my boyfriend is comfortable with it. I don't talk about girls or my experiences with them in front of a lot of people. It's not that I'm ashamed of it but I just don't speak so openly about that. There are a lot of misconceptions about it and I don't want people acting differently around me just because they bought in to one. Or just because it's a subject that all around makes them uncomfortable. That's fine. I get it and even understand how it would be an uncomfortable subject for people. They have a right to be uncomfortable by something and really I don't care until they want to be a righteous asshole about it. I just wonder though why it matters what I like to do and don't like to do. Sexuality is not the biggest part of my life. It's not the thing that stands out about me the most. It's not all that I do. It's not all that I talk about and say.

It's not something that affects most people one way or another really. Only in their mind, if they choose to let it be something they think about or something they associate me by. I'm still the same person in every other way that I was before they knew.
So why does the simple fact of learning my orientation automatically make some people see and treat me differently? I wonder about things like this sometimes, ya know? Though honestly, I don't give a fuck. I am who I am. People can take me or leave me. I can't change opinions of minds that are already made up on something and if I have to, it's probably not worth my time anyway. I'm pretty comfortable being me. :)

Happy Thursday!!!


Pronto said...

you know what?

above all, you've got to be yourself.

and damn, you do it well.

hhnt !!!

Mariposa said...

I really enjoy coming here...always!


An Artist Exposed said...

We are all what we are.
You are.... gorgeous!

Kitty said...

baaaaah! fuck em babes!

i've been eating pussy since i was 16 and i dont' give a fuck what anyone thinks of it!

i play up to everyone who challenges me on it and i dinnae care a fuck whether people approve of my very open woman worshipping on my blog.

tuesday's tits! YUUUUUUUUM.

hey, i used to be a total lesbian! totally cock free! back then i took all that rather seriously, till i lost my marble(s) and started getting jiggy with the fellas too! now that i'm old (34)i am very happy to be married to a man and play games with my girlies on the side (i have a fully approved pussy pass - woot).

anyone who thinks it is digusting or immoral can go directly to heaven and get well and truly fucked with all the other do-gooders. wankers. they all need a jolly good root if you ask meeeeee.

mwaaaaaah! you're gorgeous just like you are. xxx

Masquerade said...

I totally miss you.


I think you're fucking hot. ^_^

Masquerade said...

As for Halloween I decided I might try to find some sparkling cider and veg on the couch watching the Live Ghost Hunters Halloween Special and be a loser. Maybe next year I'll do something. I hate myself too much to go anywhere. :)

Carnalis said...

enjoy being you .. seems like a grand place to be

Happy HNT

Amorous Rocker said...

Above all, you're right. I am too. ;)
Thank you! Heh.


Thank you.

I very much approve of your woman worship on your blog. Just sayin'. Lol. I <3 your comment. You're awesome babe. Xo

Likewise darlin, likewise. :)

Thank you!

Mike said...

Just be ture to your self and sod what others think. "live and let live"
anyway, i`m comfortable with you being YOU! ;)

A very HHNT to you

Cate said...

I love the gothic feeling that your pictures have - it really is beautiful.

And I really enjoyed your post. I have always been attracted to women and for years I thought I was crazy, but I actually think it is quite healthy now. Our differences are what make us individuals but unfortunately some people prefer the cookie-cutter view that we should all be the same and like the same things. Boring, if you ask me.

Just stay true to you!

Cate xxx

B said...

I have to misquote Dr seuss: "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"

a very happy hnt, sexy lady.





Another Suburban Mom said...

That was a very thoughtful post. I know I would have loved to read something like that when I was in college and I was afraid to sleep with a girl because then no man would ever want me, and everyone would think I was a horrible slut.

~art said...

well said. happy hnt

fairyflutters said...

That was a very enlightening entry.

As someone who really enjoyed watching Queer as Folk, I don't think I could ever think homosexuality or bisexuality is disgusting.

Maybe the girl that made that comment just hadn't been enlightened. Honestly, that show really opened my eyes as to just how much like heterosexual love, same sex love is. :)

Oh, and I've totally done what you said you hate girls do in public lol but I swear I didn't do it for the attention of anyone. It was just kind of a thing that happened and, you know what, it was very nice but I'd never given much thought to being attracted to girls before that. ;)

13messages said...

Beautifully written. I wish you the absolute best.

Lilly said...

Pretty face :)

I agree, the girls who just do it when they're drunk and seeking attention give bisexuality a bad name. But while you've noted that hetero people can see it as being slutty or easy, I've heard many gay folks, either gender, speaking disparagingly of bisexuals. I don't understand it.

I always noticed women, but didn't realize I was attracted to them sexually until freshman year college. Sadly, lol, I never got the chance to experiment then...I was too stupid to have seen any signs that I now recognize in hindsight that I had a few like-minded friends.

P. and S. said...

Very well said! Happy HNT!

Jormengrund said...

Great post, and gerat insight!

Keep on being yourself, and don't let anyone or anything change who YOU are!

Keep on Rockin'!

swingerwife said...

I totally love you for covering this subject. Empowering and very thought-provoking. I am only in the beginning stages of exploring my bisexuality so its wonderful to come here and read what you had to say about it.

You are beautiful
Inside and out.


Jennybean said...

You just be you...

and leave everyone else to deal with their issuse...

beautiful pic!


Beautiful Dreamer said...

Thanks for sharing! I completely agree with the drunken girl make outs for attention. Very odd. :)

I'm not quite sure what I am. I claim hetero, but I've never really been with a girl besides a few innocent pecks with a girl I had a crush on. This gave me a lot to think about.


Giacomo said...

Not sure which I want to touch more, those lips or....

Greg and Sheryl said...

What an incredible essay. This is the best entry we've ever read on your blog. Kudos for making such a passionate and articulate statement about your bisexuality.

Barney said...

it's a comfort factor. Are you comfortable in your own skin? I would say yes, you have reached a level that alot of people havnt.

I have a girl I work with that is a lesbian, when I first found out I got uncomfortable..why? I dont know.. honestly, I dont.. because I have quit a few male friends who are gay and Im not uncomfortable around them. so what was the difference.. I actually made myself think about it and it dawned on me... Because I assumed automattically that she would want me.. shallow? Oh hell yeah..
So I made the point of be-friending her and now? she's a great friend, and Im a fucking idiot!!! LOL

I explained it all to her, she laughed at me! Told me I had alot of growing up to do and that I needed to accept people for who they really are, and that I needed to look in a mirror and come to realizations myself. We had a very deep in depth conversation...

Ive experimented...Ive explored, and I realized, I enjoy. But, I prefer my relationships to be with men.

Thats my book.. I will blog about it sometime.. once I still figure out all my conflicting emotions.. LOL

Lucia said...

Life is what you make it :-D and you only have one life to live, so do it your way honey! :-)


jGrrl said...

I have no words to add to that and no reason to argue - I agree 110% and at the risk of sounding like a promiscuous bi slut - I could kiss you right now. I did mY rant about Prop h8 this week and this should be linked in it, I'm going to add this as an "afterthought" to that post and if you want me to take it out I will but I think its a very valuable point of view. *here* Thank you.

xX...Amy...Xx said...

That picture is awesome - I don't know how you made the shadows and stuff but it looks cool :)

And you should be proud of who you are! That whole 'I'm bisexual when I'm drunk' just to get attention off guys annoys me too! Plus, I remember when one of the girls at school came out as bisexual a load of people being 'worried' about her fancying them - which was ridiculous. It's like assuming all men fancy you.

I want to say 'You go girl' if I could pull that off :P


Vixen said...

Very well written. Could have written it almost identically myself. And my mom actually DID sum up the nerve to ask me numerous years back, lol. I answered with the appropriate "Mooooooooooooom". And she said "that's what I thought" LOL

You are what you are. And that is lovely. :)


Hetero-Sapphic said...

WOW... I remember going through quite bit of those.. VERY well written!!


BTExpress said...

Your right, "It's not something that affects most people one way or another really." So why should it matter? Fuck em!

Ro said...

I am always amazed - and somewhat saddened - by how many people see anything other than strict heterosexuality as somehow wrong, even abhorrent.

As for what the friend said, it is just possible that her views have now been modified by knowing your sexuality. It happens - it helps put a human face on the 'perversion'. Hey, I can be an optimist, can't I?

Lovely photos, as always, but I'd have to confess that I prefer the face pic - it is simply so, so intense :)

Happy HNT!

Hubman said...

Great post! Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts.

Glad you have the self-confidence to lay all of this out there :-)

vanimp said...

When we write things we don't talk about out loud often, it brings a rawness with it. Deep from the heart, was refreshing to read.

You are who you are and the little bit of "you" I know through your writing is pretty damn cool ;)

The people who accept you as you are the good, the bad, the ugly .... those people are friends.

HHNT! xxx

Rage said...

kitty: You fucking crack me up!

AR: I've done the girl thing too but now just play with the cock for the most part although I do admire the female form at its finest. It's all good!

Happy HNT!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to thank you for stating so concisely what I've been trying to say to people about my bisexuality. More often than not I feel like I have to defend and explain myself and I just get frustrated, making my thoughts and opinions more and more unclear. Thank you =]

Mojo said...

Is it okay if I still think you're hot? 'Cos I do. I'm glad you got it off your chest. Sounds like you needed to. There are gonna be people who like you and people who don't. Some of them will like you for the wrong reasons, and it'll become pretty clear pretty quick who those are.

But at the end of the day, as long as you like you fuck 'em. You can come hang with me any time. We'll talk hockey. Or something.

vixen kitten said...

Beautifully said.

I knew when I was around 12 that I was attracted to girls. Believe me, it wasn't something you admitted then. I had my first experience with a woman when I was 17 and finally living on my own. Even then, I hid it from all but my closest friend.

I don't get the drunk kissing thing either.

You are beautiful the way you are. Thank you for laying it out there so well.

Curvaceous Dee said...

Good on you for understanding and accepting yourself the way you are - I'm proud of you!

And good on you for sharing your experiences and initial confusion about your attractions, so that hopefully others in a similar situation will be helped.

xx Dee

Amorous Rocker said...

Thank you. That "feel" suits me. :)
Boring, I agree. :) I'm glad you don't still think you're crazy.

Exactly. ;)
Thank you!!

Thanks but you need to chill please. :)


P. and S.:
Thank you!

Jormengrund :
Thank you for readin!
I don't change myself for anyone, lol. I've lost guys and girls I was interested in because they couldn't change things about me they didn't like. Friends as well. This ain't "build a person you like boutique" here. I am what I am, take me or leave me.

Thank you!

Decisions decisions, lol. :)

Thank you!

Actually the shadows were the easiest damn part to do, lol.
I am. For the most part.And exactly! It's totally ridiculous to assume such a thing. Thank you!
Hehe. Thanks for commenting!

Thank you! That doesn't surprise me. I think it was one of your posts I read as I was trolling through your archives that made me want to post about this. That and a very recent incident I had with someone. Lol. "Mooooom" would be a good answer to that question, haha. Of course, one that would give it away but still. ;)
Thank you!

Interesting. :)
Thank you! I appreciate the comment.

Exactly! ;)

Hubman :
Thank you for reading! And commenting. ;)

I agree! About the rawness of writing things.
Thank you! I appreciate that.
Yes, those people are amazing. It's awesome to find people in life who know the good, the bad and the ugly and can still hang through it all.

She cracks me up too, I swear. I was laughing so much reading her comment.
Mmhmm. It's all good! :)

Mojo :
Of course, that's fine. :) I am too because you're right, I did need to get it off my chest. I can usually tell the people who like me for the wrong reasons. Those are the ones I call pretenders. I don't like users and I don't like having them around me, ya know?:)
Sounds good with me. i'm always down with talking hockey. :) Thanks for the comment!

Thank you!
I'm glad to hear that. Really. :)
That could be it.
Meh, I meant more specifically to the ones who do only do it for attention and things like that.

Thank you!

temperofrage said...

Why are people so bothered by another person's sexual preference? If you are with a person who chooses to be with you, why is that anyone's business but yours or your partner's? People loose their minds over this sometimes.

Be happy... :D

Qetesh said...

That was pretty moving for me to read. I have had a lot of the same feelings and experiences, although also different one and in different ways. I have had trouble finding girls to be with because I am so reluctant to expose myself to girls that are just experimenting. I am lucky now to have a very secure and loving man who understands that I like girls too, and that it's nothing that he's done. I like cock way too much to ever give up men, but if I could find a girlfriend to go with my boyfriend I'd be a happy lass.

Renee said...

WOW! I totally agree!

Girls that kiss for attention in front of guys irritate me!

For many years I have only been with girls, until recently I started exploring my desires fantasies. I must admit it was really weird at first, but guys aren't so bad.

Not only have I discovered I'm bisexual but queer gender too!
I didn't even know what that was a couple of months ago. I'm enjoying being single and won't be jumping into a monogamous relationship any time soon.

This is who I am, It's all or nothing!


Shad said...

That was really cool that you were willing to share your experiences and thoughts. I've got a few friends that have had similar experiences. So I can appreciate what it takes to share.

Have a great weekend!