Monday, September 8, 2008

Yeah, it's Monday.

I need to think less. Turn my mind off for a few hours and get some relief. You can't really do that though. I need to keep my mind distracted enough that it doesn't wander to things I should think about but I don't want to deal with because I've already spent so much time thinking on them to no end result. It's taxing to work at keeping your mind off things that you need to think about though. It's work in and of itself to keep your mind so occupied on other things. I zone out for the briefest of moments and my mind drifts to the things in the back. The things that need consideration. The things causing me grief. The things I've thought into the ground and still have no answers for. I realize quickly and find something else, damn near anything else, to distract myself with. It's amazing what you'll find to think about. Singing lyrics and mulling over the multiple possible meanings within them is something that I can distract myself with most. It's not that I'm trying to avoid the issues I'm having lately. I'm not. My thing is, I spend too much time chewing over them and it ends up giving me a headache and stressing me out when I can't find a solution or even a beginning to a way to turn it around.

Lately, it's been considerably more trying. The thing is, I've gotten used to being able to talk so much over with Boyfriend. That helps, having someone to talk things over with. Getting an "outside" perspective. We don't talk much. When we do talk, it isn't for long enough times to get into anything in depth. So, I have all my crazy scattered thoughts in my head and things I'm trying to figure out and I have no one to talk to about any of them. I do have friends I talk to but these few things lately that have been really bothering me are things I wouldn't discuss with a friend, not even my best friends. I think to some that would sound bad but there are just some things to private for me to discuss with anyone. My boyfriend is the exception because he is a soul mate, I truly believe that. I can tell him things I can't manage to tell other people. I tell him things I'm too afraid to tell the rest of the world. I can tell him anything and so he is who I talk to when I need help with something. Just lately, we haven't had the time with the distance and the opposing schedules. I work nights, he works days. He's in bed while I'm still at work. He's waking up for work a couple hours after I'm finally passing out for the night. He gets off work and I'm either heading in or already there. It doesn't leave much time for talking except on my days off and even then, I have to wait for him to be off work from his 12 hour shifts.

I can deal with this. It just makes it harder for me to deal with my issues because I'm a little nuts and I'm a whirlwinded mess when it comes to emotions. I could just revert back to not dealing with anyone and not talking about these types of things to anyone at all. I did that for so so long. I could do it again. I don't want to because then I would be shutting my boyfriend out from me in an emotional way. I don't want to do that even though I feel myself doing it little by little already. I get angry with myself for that. When I have something I want and feel that I need to talk about, I feel disappointed when I can't talk to him about these things. It's not his fault and I don't blame him at all. It's just frustrating. I feel disappointed and then feel like I should just keep it to myself and try and figure it out on my own.

I'm not looking for advice here. I'm not trying to be rude or bitchy in saying that but it's the blunt and honest truth. I'm just rambling, trying to clear my head a little bit and make some sense of some things. Writing this out helped. Maybe it'll be confusing as hell to everyone or to some who reads it but I feel a little better about things. :)

I love The Dark Knight. Seriously. <3 Yes, I saw it again. For the third time. I love Batman. We went to Target recently and they had tons of cool stuff in the dollar section in the front of the store. I got a Batman Yo-Yo, a Batman notepad and a set of Batman pens. All for $3.

The last few days my face has been itching like crazy. I was thinking it might this mineral make-up I'm trying. I realized yesterday that it's the new facial cleanser that I got. That stuff is awesome but it's making me itch like mad. Which sucks because it's $8 for the bottle and I don't want to waste it but I'm not going to use something that makes my face itch like crazy. What's the point of having nice, pretty skin if I feel like clawing it off to stop the itching? Lol.

Sunday at work was a little crazy. I got in at 5 pm and they were having issues with the computer system. The thing was freaking out and making a high pitched screeching sound. It was chaotic and we weren't able to ring in any orders for people. We had pissed off patrons. Myself and another girl were chilling outside the door waiting to grab people as they came to inform them we couldn't serve anything because our computer was freaking out. We have no way of charging them correctly or keeping up with what we sell without the computer system. We also don't have a security system working so it would make it insanely easy for the wrong person to take advantage of the situation. Not to mention the high pitched screech the central box with all the fancy wiring was making. OH MY GOSH I WAS READY TO TAKE A CHAINSAW TO THAT THING TO STOP THE NOISE. It took an hour and a half almost but they got it fixed and we got back to business. It was a pretty slow night but Sundays are like that. Either mind numbingly slow or insanely busy. Last night was slow. I was a cleaning fool. I even bleached and scrubbed the sinks we do the dishes in. They were so sparkling clean, I threatened serious harm on anyone if they dared to make a mess and not clean it up. Sounds silly but a lot of times people throw stuff in there and just leave it sitting. I had to clean a mess of pineapple mush, strawberry mush and cherry syrup out of it just before getting the bleach going. I found that one of the things that annoys me most at work is when people throw trash in the sing. Big chunks of pineapple are CLEARLY not making it down the drains and should be thrown in the trash instead of dumped into the sink where it will just chill there until someone pulls it out. No one wants to pull it out so they run water and let the sink get stopped up and leave it. Pineapple, lemons, limes, cherries and strawberry gunk get nasty in there. The strawberry and the pineapple both stick to the surfaces too. It's nasty. At least I rarely have to clean the toilets though. Woohoo for that. =D

Happy Monday Y'all!


Anonymous said...

My Daddy was my hero when I was a kid but I didn't realize it until he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in '98.

I got the call and I sat and stared for a few hours. I'm not even sure when I did it but a while after - skimming back through my diary, I saw:

"Daddies are supposed to be superheros, Batman never got cancer..."

Scrawled all messy on a page of its own. When I finally got the chance to take my kids to see him (my ex wasn't even letting ME near them and I had no money for court) Daddy lit like xmas, he hadn't seen them in over two years...

When it was time to go my oldest, six at the time, said: "Mom, that grampy man is really cool..." and I told her "Yeah? He's even cooler than Batman!"

I never realized that my Dad knew what that meant to me until I looked up and saw tears streaming down his face....

Batman rocks.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I am sorry that you are blue/moody. I send you some *hugs* and a plate of my m&m cookies.

Its fine to ramble and vent. Thats what the blogosphere is for.

Hubman and I finally saw Batman a few weeks ago. It was incredible. I think that Heath deserves an Oscar for that performance.

Its just too tragic that he is no longer around.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

AR - you want to let it all out here? Go for it! It will make you feel better. And as opposed to people that know you well, something will tell me that we in bloggerland will be less judgemental....if at all.

As you can tell from me, Batman Rocks the House!

Vixen said...

I am familiar with that feeling you are talking about....of not being able to talk to your 'it' person, and therefore it just making you consumed by them. *hugs*

Amorous Rocker said...

That's awesome. Thank you for sharing that. <3 you.

Oooh thank you! I love m&m cookies, lol.


I agree! I think he was fantastic in that role. It's a shame he isn't here to see how everyone reacted to the role. I hope if they do award him with anything it's only because he did a stellar job in the role.

Hehe. The great thing about people on the outside is if they aren't pretentious assholes, they're usually not judgmental at all and can offer some insight that is helpful.

And oh I know how you share my love of the Batman. :D

Sorry for that. That you're familiar with those types of feelings, they do suck. *hugs*

I Smile 2 Much said...

Sweet hugs & kisses your way. Write or ramble or vent or think away. I'm guilty as charged of doing the same. Sometimes my *thinking* helps me and sometimes it seems my thinks *hurts* my head. ((Hugs to you))

I think its awesome you can tell him your thoughts and everything. We all need someone.

Sucks about the itchy stuff. Not cool and I dont blame you 4 not wanting to use it anymore.

LOL about you sayin you dont hafto clean toilet though. The noise/sound thingie sounds horrid. I woulda been annoyed as hell. I'm really *senstive* to noises like that.

I luv the $1 Target section too, btw. Makes me happy. : )