Thursday, September 18, 2008

Raw HNT

I sit alone in the only room I can get peace and quiet. I sit in the dim light, letting my mind wander about. Such a dangerous thing to do. My back pressed tightly against the solid surface of the wall behind me, I close my eyes and try to feel calm and peace. Instead, I feel alone. Eyes shut, I fight to keep the pictures from dancing through my head. Thinking and feeling is enough, I don't want to see as well.

I can almost feel you there. I wish I could feel your soft belly pressing in to my back as you pull me close to you,wrapping your arms around me, holding me tightly to you. I used to complain those times that you held me too tightly. Back up a little and give me some room, I would say. I'd hear the quiet, subtle change in your voice as you moved away an inch or so. I often wondered if my doing that made you feel rejected. Unwanted. Unnecessary. If I ever made you feel that way, I apologize. It was never my intention to make you feel anything like that.

I wish you were holding me. I wish I had you running your hands gently through my hair. Leaving small, gentle kisses on my cheeks, beck, jaw, and shoulders. Rubbing your hands up and down my arms causing my skin to tingle and seemingly take on life.

I sit alone, lost inside my own head. I miss you and wish you were near. I'm sorry for all the times I have ever push you away from me. You are wanted. You are needed. You are very much a necessary part in my life. You are my ears when I need someone to listen. When no one else will listen and when no one else will understand, I know I have you. You will listen without judgment or prejudice. When I need someone to lean on, you are the broad shoulders and solid frame that I know can hold me up through anything. When I cry, you are the one I can cry in front of without feeling like a child, like an imbecile. You are the one who wipes away my tears and hugs me until I quiet. You are the one who will not tell me everything will be alright but tell me that we will fix whatever it is and get through it. You are the one who I can be naked with and feel comfortable with in my flaws. You are the one who can see me raw and emotional. More exposed than I could ever be physically, all my emotions rushing forth and I don't feel embarrassed for it. You don't judge, you don't laugh. You help and you support. You laugh at my silly jokes and you think all of my weird little quirks are cute. You tell me I'm smart and that I'm interesting. You accept me as I am with the good, the bad and the worse. You believe in me in a way that no one else does.

You are my here and now. You are my future. You are my best friend. You are my lover. You are my soul mate.
I care for you more than you know. You mean more to me than even I knew until today. I didn't believe in true and lasting love before. Now, I do and I have that in you. You are the one for me that I thought couldn't possibly exist. You are my everything. I love you.



HNTbutton


Happy
Thursday.

38 comments:

~Jobthingy~ said...

raw indeed but beautifully written.

HHNT

I Smile 2 Much said...

Wow, hun. Your words just make me feel every single emotion possible. Vunerable. Raw. Sensual. Heartfelt. Deep. Passionate and Yummy-desirable sexy. Wow.

I hope to heck BF & you get to see each other real soon.

And oh yah. You are so damn sexy and gorgeous, AR. But that goes without sayin. Because you *really, truly* are ; )

~ muah ~

Boo said...

What a beautiful post. I don't know what prompted such a raw outpouring of emotion, but thank you so much for sharing it.

lecram said...

Wonderful write and great pic. Cheers and Happy HNT!

Macabre Girl said...

The picture is lovely and matches the mood of your words. [[hugs]]

God, that was an absolutely beautiful post. So well written and so emotional. My eyes teared up a little bit reading that my dear.

KJ said...

Beautiful post to go with the beautiful picture.

amy said...

I don't really comment but after reading this, I just had to. That was so beautifully written and it came from your heart.

I truly hope that you and your boyfriend are together again soon.

Amorous Rocker said...

jobthingy:
Thanks.


smiley:
That's a nice range of emotions there. Most of them being ones I felt while writing it.
Me too. Thank you! *grins*
Lol. Shhh. (Thank you though)


boo:
Ha, you know, I don't really know. Just the mood I was in I suppose. Thank you for reading it. :)


lecram:
Why thank you.


MG:
Thanks. *hugs*
Aww, hehe. Thank you. Stop crying though. You'll fuck up another keyboard. ;)


kj:
Thank you.

Amorous Rocker said...

amy:
Hi! Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
I hope so too. If not though, I know we'll still be okay. :)

The Bizza said...

Eloquent. Honest. Vulnerable.

The weight and tenor of your words are palpable. I'm humbled that you chose to share this private side of you for all to see. Somewhere in Texas sleeps a very lucky man, and I suspect that he knows it.

I sincerely hope that you and him find one another at the end of this unfortunate separation.

Mariposa said...

The words...oh my!

It got me...start to finish!

HappyHNT!

exile said...

i used to get lost in my head all the time

until one day...

one terrible day

on that day i got lost, and never found my way back

An Artist Exposed said...

You have laid your thoughts open in a very direct and moving way. Your photo is adorable. HHNT

Another Suburban Mom said...

Very beautifully written. I feel how bad you miss him.

Laken said...

You are such a pretty girl. Great post. Happy HNT!

Lollie said...

You are so pretty inside and out...great job !!--Lollie HHNT

Anonymous said...

Too bad if he doesnt share the feelings you wrote vehemently about. How much would that suck if he didnt share your sentaments? Pouring your littel heart out for strangers to praise you on and why for? Do you even feel the things you wrote or are you a good writer with a penchant for portraying fake emotion in simple words? Is this real or for ratings and comment count?? Do you have so much heart and love or are you trying to be blogopular? (blog popular)

Southern Sage said...

damn
excellent post

sexy pic too!

HHNT

Ms. Lily said...

Wow! You shared your feelings beautifully in this post. Thank you for being so open and letting all of us have a peak at your life. I hope your geographic issues get resolved for you.
xoxo
~Lily
HHNT

Lilly said...

I, and all of us here, know that these words come from the bottom of your very true big heart.

It's raw, you miss him and that's such a hard feeling to deal with but hun .....he'll be so happy to read this. Looks like perhaps your last little wall has broken for him, so he's special indeed.

swingerwife said...

You gave me goosebumps. And believe me when I say that those of us who follow along know that you meant every single word that you wrote so beautifully. And a wonderful picture too, by the way. HHNT to you!

B said...

Well written post!

HHNT!

Greg and Sheryl said...

We loved the passion of your essay. HHNT!

Baby said...

I loved what you wrote - and have to agree with all of the comments above - and hope you get to see your love soon - liked the photo too!! HHNT!!!

Vixen said...

Such a raw beautiful image.....

happyHNT sweetie xoxo

Flyinfox_SATX said...

You are never alone...I believe that he is always with you...even if he is not physically there.

Mojo said...

When I was done reading all I could think was how much I'd love to be the one it was written for. By anybody really, but one in particular.
Beautiful, beautiful story... and photo.

Elle said...

beautiful words, beautiful picture.

Lapis Ruber said...

Always so vulnerable. I hope the comments help you. Happy HNT.

AR's Boyfriend said...

Well, yes, I read this last night and was like holy damn. Made me tear up as well. Just wow.

Oh and to the Anonymous poster, I share those same feelings. And those are her true feelings. She has that much love and heart for me. Not trying to make her blog more popular. So back off why dont ya?

vanimp said...

*big squishy huggles* ... all I could think looking at that pic was you needed a big cuddle xxx HHNT

d2b said...

Raw - Wonderful - Beautiful

Happy HNT!!

marianne said...

Wow... so touching. I hope it all works out. Pretty picture.

Biscuit said...

A beautiful tribute to write to the person who is "home" for you.

Rage said...

Your words, touching....

Your picture, beautiful....

You are hot and I love your blog and everything about you in its entirety.

Musns said...

That was lovely, both the words and the photo.

Carnalis said...

i am late, but pleased i popped by to catch your lovely pic, and a beautiful sentiment.

not2shy said...

He's lucky, even if he can't be there right now, because he will be sometime.