Monday, August 11, 2008

Ramble rumble ramble

My boyfriend is on Central time. I am on Pacific time. My boyfriend works morning to evening. I work afternoon or evening to late night. That, with the fact that I'm two hours behind him now makes for us not talking much. I'm getting off any time between midnight and 2 am Pacific time which is 2 am to 4 am Central time. That is only a few hours before he's getting up to start his day. I'm getting off work hours after he's passed out in bed. He's waking up a couple hours after I'm finally passing out. By the time he's off work and can talk... I'm either already at work or getting there. So, we talk on my first ten minute smoke break and we talk on my lunch break for thirty five minutes. Those are the only two breaks I take. I only take a lunch break if I'm working an eight hour shift. No big deal there, as I rarely work short shifts. So, we're talking on my smoke break and my lunch break. He goes to sleep after the lunch break chat since that break happens anywhere between 8/9:30 pm, 10/11:30 pm his time. Fun times. =) There are of course my days off where we can obviously talk more. I'm working 6 nights a week so that's one night a week where we get to talk more than forty five minutes.

Do you know how fast a thirty five minute break soars by you when you're trying to soak up every minute as long as you can? It feels like ten minutes. The ten minute break feels like three minutes. It's crazy. I know, time goes by quickly when you're enjoying yourself but come on! I absolutely had no doubts in my mind that this temporary distance was going to be hard to deal with. I didn't try to make myself feel better about him staying in Texas and me being in California with any silly disillusions. I didn't lie or sugarcoat anything to myself. I knew it was going to suck but for several personal reasons, it's something I needed to do.

I miss him. I won't lie. I won't try to make myself seem like some calm, cool, collected chick and act like it's a little iffy but mostly all good. I'd by lying because I'm going a little crazy with missing him right now. I love and adore that silly boy. I gave him pieces of myself without even realizing that's what I was doing. That says worlds about him. That I care, love, adore and trust him that much, to let my guard down so much with him. It's not something I do easily or often.
I worry that our relationship isn't going to withstand this distance for the amount of time I need. I worry that it's going to ruin us. I wonder that we'll grow apart. That we'll become too independent without the other around and no longer feel much need for the other. I worry about a hundred other little things that could tear us apart to the point that I wouldn't want to be with him any longer or that he wouldn't want to be with me any longer. Oddly, I think a big concern for a lot of people in this situation would be worries of their significant other cheating. I haven't considered that once. I honestly believe that he wouldn't cheat on me and I don't even worry the slightest bit about it. I'm too busy worrying over a hundred other things that seem far more likely to happen.

Then I think about some of the things I've done that have seriously caused shit between us in the past. I think about things I've done that should have probably ended us but we worked through them. We've gotten through some hard issues together and made things work. Albeit, not always easily but we've gotten through. I've fucked up once horribly bad and we're still together. I'm not even sure I would have kept me after that instant but he did. No, I've never cheated on him so don't think that and asking is going to be useless. I'm taking it to my grave and he is the only other person ever going to know what happened. I hope anyway, lol. My point is, we've made it through some hard things already. I find a sort of comfort in that. We got through that crap, so this distance crap isn't much compared to some other stuff.

Aside from the fact that we've done long distance before and obviously made it through. It's just harder this time around because now we've been together longer and we're both used to having the other there every day or almost every day.

Throw in my emotional issues and the issues in my head and it's definitely a challenge. I just hope it's a challenge we kick ass succeeding in. I think we will make it okay. It will just be hard and we'll hit some speed bumps on the way and send each other reeling a time or two, lol.

ANYWAY.... :)

I think that does it for today. I'm too tired to write more even though I have a funny story I was wanting to share. Maybe tomorrow. ;)


Don't forget!

WW is coming up in a couple days. Don't forget to come play with us. ;) I'm up for the questions this week and I've already got them done up and ready to post. I *think* I have to work Tuesday night and it'll be late when I get in if I do work so I know I won't want to mess with it then. So they'll auto-post Tuesday night/Wednesday morning (depending on how you want to say it) at midnight Central time. Look at me go, thinking ahead for something! Lol.

Happy Monday Y'all! =)


Biscuit said...

Ugh. I really admire the strength you've shown in doing this even though you knew it was going to suck. I can't imagine having to deal with that tiny amount of time together over the phone.

KBear said...

at least you know what you're up against, and are still willing to TRY. Neither of you said "oh, well, we know this and this, so screw it"

you both love each other to know that while it's gonna be hard, it's not impossible. It's doable, and I fully believe that you two will get through it, because you are meant to get through it. Going through what you did before, and you're still together, then you can get through anything. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. This is gonna make you both stronger.

hugs hun. you know my email if you need an ear:)

I Smile 2 Much said...

I was just thinking about ya the other nite.... (((hugs to you, babe)))

Do you know when the next time you get to see each other will be?

((more hugs, just cause))

Dial-Up Princess said...

aww..the long distance stuff is sure you guys will be fine...*hugs**

Ro said...

You have my sympathy - distance makes any relationship harder. And when communications are so limited ... well, it just leaves such a gap in ones life, doesn't it?

And you're right about the hundreds of worries - I have them too. I cling, though, to the knowledge that there's something special there to hang on to, to work towards - and it sounds like that's exactly what's going through your head too.

But you needed to do what you're doing and the strength to attempt to do both ... well, that's just plain admirable.

And the very, very best of luck to you both :)

Rage said...

Thanks for sharing. You are so real and aren't afraid to admit what your weaknesses are. For that, I give you so much props.

You are strong and so is he.

Amorous Rocker said...

It sucks but it isn't permanent. I just keep telling myself that it won't last forever, lol. Thank you. =)

I'm always willing to try. I couldn't possibly know what will or won't work without being willing to try.
I hope it does make us stronger. Another thing I tell myself is that if we're meant to be, we'll make it through, bumps and all.
*hugs* Thank you.

Hehe. *hugs*
Sigh. October I think. =( It's not that far away really, just seems like forever, lol.
Thanks for all the hugs darlin, you're sweet.

Thank you! =) *hug*

A gap? Yes, that's a good way to put it.
That is exactly what's going on in my had. =D
Thank you! Very much.

Hehe. Thank you. I can attribute my not being afraid to admit my weaknesses to my love. Before him, I never would admit to such things. =)

Thanks! For all of that.
Especially the good JuJu. That stuff is always welcome! ;)